Oh man, it’s been a shit day. I’ve randomly cried finishing food shopping, driving and before and after the school runs.

Picked the kids up and the boy started and I’m like fuck me, I can’t even cope with myself today let alone your shit. But actually after I sobbed all the way home he’s been really good, think he felt bad, and then I felt bad 🙈 Just 2 very hurt and confused souls trying to find their way I guess. It makes me sad coz I feel like our relationship is just so strained right now, I really hope that once we get past all of this that we become the best of friends.

And no it’s not about men today, I didn’t actually get ghosted in the end (not yet anyway lol) so that’s cool but I did still delete the app. If something comes of it great, if not then I’m not bothering, ain’t nobody got time for that emotion fucking head shit especially not me. And apologies for the last blog if in fact said man does ever read it 😂

I’m not even sure what I’m sad about today to be honest, I think it’s just everything. I’ve been here almost 5 months now and to be honest I’ve had enough. Currently waiting to cook my dinner coz the kitchens busy. It’s not a bad place, and I am incredibly grateful to be here and be safe but I’ve kinda had enough now.

I would like to cook when I want to, I would like to sit on a sofa and watch tv instead of an ipad on my bed that is fucking my neck. I would like to have my own bedroom and be able to escape the kids. I would like not to have to carry a million shopping bags half a mile to my house and then up 2 fucking cunting flights of stairs, my shoulders are killing me! And I would also like to shit in peace 🤦‍♀️🤣

I want my friends and family to visit me, especially on a day like today. Sitting in my car crying just wishing I had someone to hug 😭

I’d actually like to get up in the morning and wonder how I’m gona have time to get all my shit done instead of wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with all this time. I do have stuff to do sometimes, but then it’s like my mind can’t focus on it so I end up just sitting there with my own thoughts and that’s dangerous. That’s when shit goes downhill. I want some routine and normality. I’m always here there and everywhere nowadays which I am sort of enjoying but at the end of it I’d like to feel like ok I’m ready to go home now but this just isn’t home, I don’t have a home.

I know in reality it’s a small part of my life but I feel like it’s such a waste of time. I guess in future I’ll probably look back and know it wasn’t. Even if I do feel shit right at this moment overall I’m a different person from the woman who walked in this place almost 5 months ago.

I don’t often think about perp anymore to be honest, I go days without a thought. Yesterday he tried ringing my mum and I didn’t really fret about it for long. He’s just trying another tactic which will literally never work, my mum seems like a softie but mate she will kick your motherfucking arse if she gets hold of ya 🤣 Noone hurts her babies or grand babies!

I was also reminded of him at the weekend on the way to my friends, I have to drive through the area I had my wedding dress fittings. I remember one time I was going to a fitting and he had kicked off over something, he tried to stop me from going, like literally tried getting into my car and stopping me driving. I think I almost hit him, what a shame it didn’t go over him 🤣

So there’s me standing in this shop in what was honestly one of the most beautiful wedding dresses ever, talking, smiling and laughing about my wedding plans and my fiance and how perfect it was all going to be.

Meanwhile my phone is on silent in my bag getting fucking hounded by my soon to be husband telling me the wedding isn’t going to happen and I should just cancel it all and sell the fucking dress. That feeling of anxiety and fear is one I don’t wish on anyone. Alot of people experience anxiety of things that they know will never happen, imagine feeling that anxiety knowing full fucking well what’s going to happen? Hands sweating, heart pounding with my brain going a million miles an hour.

Fake smiling at it’s finest ladies and gents.

I was finished earlier than I thought but for once I thought fuck you, and I drove to the services got some food and sat in my car for an hour, phone still on silent. Those little moments of peace meant so much to me, even if it did mean shit would be worse when I got home. I guess that peace I felt in those moments is now an every day feeling for me.

Yes I am absolutely damaged, my brain and body have endured trauma for a very long time and it will take me a very long time to process and over come that but finally I have that peace.

Actually sitting here thinking how the fuck did I actually survive it? The thought of spending just minutes in that feeling of fear makes me shudder, let alone hours, days, years. I’m quite surprised I’m not more fucked up than I am to be honest, realistically I’m pretty fucking normal considering.

Song every blog is one I listened to today when I felt sad! One of my favs.

Little Mix – Little me

She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don’t hear a word

Always talking but she can’t be heard

You can see it there if you catch her eye
I know she’s brave but it’s trapped inside
Scared to talk but she don’t know why

Wish I knew back then
What I know now
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice

I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out
And know that right here, right now
You can be beautiful, wonderful
Anything you wanna be

Little me

Until next time,

B xxx