It’s been a busy week or so! Settling kids back into school, trying to get used to early mornings again is hard work especially when I can never sleep until late! My mind is just so active when the kids go to sleep. Pretty proud that I’ve kept myself busy and not just slept, though one day I did try to have just an hours nap and I couldn’t even drift off, wtf is that about? I’ve been walking a fair bit most days, and working out in my room. I figure firstly the exercise will help me to sleep and secondly I might just get a Kim K arse to pull my next husband with 🤣 
Na it’s really for me, fuck the men. I want to be confident in myself!

And lets face it my baby face might not age but my arse certainly is beginning to wobble 😂😂

Had my first counselling session this week and I think it went well. I guess I don’t really know what I was expecting, I definitely felt more relaxed leaving thats for sure. Interesting that already she’s connected me perhaps accepting certain behaviours from my childhood. She suggested maybe there was a vulnerability about me that perp saw and it’s probably true. Even though I am pretty head strong, I do like to see the best in people and I think maybe in future I need to remind myself that my own feelings and needs come first.

Ima be savage 🤣  

She thought it was interesting that I was drawn to do eyelashes, she said that my job is to open peoples eyes up and perhas doing so was my own awakening. Of course I already knew from beginning lashing the abuse was worse and it was because doing something that was so positive for me opened my eyes to the things I perhaps didn’t want for me. One comment I think I will never forget is her saying that everything I gained came at a price. And it’s very true, I gained so much confidence and power, I am more than capable of supporting myself and 2 children financially and I made the most incredible friends. She said, but I bet you would do it all again, and absolutely I would. Twas a hefty price but so worth it. I cried more about lashing than perp, actually sobbed talking about my friends and the support I have from everyone in the industry. And because sometimes I feel like my life is just slipping by, I watch everyone just kind of racing forward with their dreams and I’m just like a sitting duck waiting. I know this is dramatic (Mariah moment) And I know its temporary, but for me that was genuinely the hardest part to walk away from. My business is literally such a huge part of me, and I’m bloody proud to be passionate and hard working. Do I want to sit doing fuck all all day not earning? No I fucking don’t. I don’t want no help from anyone or anything I want to do it myself because I’m more then capable and it really fucks me off. It’s fine I’m over it for today.

It’s funny I  wrote the above a few days ago whilst sitting in a car park by Gatwick airport waiting for my tyre to be changed after blowing the cunt hitting a curb 😂 Now I’m going to finish this sitting in the sun in town drinking a Costa. 

And how nice it is just to sit here, interesting people watching too, there are some funny characters in this town 🤣

So yeh at the weekend I taught in Ireland, absolutely loved it. It’s just so nice getting back to doing what I love the most, even if it’s not very often I’ll take it!! Spoke to the girls about my blog too, they said I’m very witty, best compliment ever!! I often write these chuckling at myself thinking I’m fucking hilarious, then I chuckle more thinking what you lot are saying reading it 😂 

Flying home sunday just watching the clouds go by I though, wow. I’m fucking lucky. It’s honestly just surreal, every day now is so fucking surreal. Just the fact of having control over every aspect of my life. Even now, I don’t have to explain why I’m in town or why I’m sitting in the sun having a coffee simply because I want to! Just me doing whatever the fuck I want when I want.

Saw my counsellor again yesterday it was good. I feel like I havent blogged because I’m not thinking about the shit. I said to her that I’m actually worried to not think about it, is it a good thing that im moving on OR is it a bad thing that im shutting it out and is it going to come and bite me on the arse? I honestly don’t know, I’m gona assume it’s good for now.

Also, I’m trying online dating. Let’s be honest the current situation and having 2 kids doesn’t really leave me much option 😂 fucking hard graft though jesus what do these cunts want? 

Funny story actually, one literally wrote that he would get on with someone if they called him a cunt. So I’m like fucking sweet bit of me then, so I basically made a joke called him a cunt and no reply. Like what?! Someone asks to be called a cunt then doesn’t like it, jesus this is harder than I thought 😂😂😂 
I debated even writing that here because I feel a bit embarrassed. BUT I’m trying to tell myself not to be, as yin would say it’s 2019 everyone does it. I guess it’s the thought of perps reaction. Probs call me a deseperate slag but then I’ve heard it many a time so why should I be bothered now. I’m certainly not desperate, like I told my shrink I don’t need a man (well maybe for certain things 😂) I just would like some nice attention for once, because realistically apart from the years of 13-15 I’ve never had it. I’ve never dated as an adult, in fact noone has ever taken me on a date. It would just be nice to have a laugh, a little flirt and be treated with respect like an actual woman. 
I’m really not asking alot 🤷‍♀️

What I’m also finding hard is having to lie about my location and living arrangements…

“Hi, I’m a single mum of 2 living in a refuge after fleeing my violent husband” isn’t really gona go down well is it? 😂🤦‍♀️ fml.

I’m worried that my past has tainted me. I don’t want to be seen as a victim, I don’t want to be seen as weak or any less of a person because of it. I also don’t want to be seen as vulnerable, I am not getting into another abusive relationship, hell fucking no. 

Quite proud of myself actually as I think I noticed a red flag with one. Couple of times we spoke and for whatever reason I had to get off the phone etc and he said is that a hint you don’t want to talk to me? Oh your just saying that coz you dont want to talk to me.
WOAH red fucking flag alert!!
Paranoia after a few days of talking? No fucking thank you, goodbye! No time for that.

For now, I don’t need to explain my whole situation, it’s not needed and I hope that if I did actually get to that stage with someone and I then explained it that they would accept it. 
If they didn’t well clearly they aren’t the man for me.

I think I do actually have quite alot going for me you know, I’m not the best looking person in the world (though my arse is looking good 😂) but I’m not a minger! I’m very loyal, kind, hardworking and apparently very witty haha! I really hope one day someone sees that and I’m not going to settle for anything less. 

If your a complete arsehole or a fuckboy, on you jog sunshine.

Today is my 5 year anniversary of when I began lashing. I realised the date this morning and I was suddenly buzzing! Despite everything I have done pretty fucking damn amazing in my career. In 5 years I’ve achieved so much! I reckon people think I’m exaggerating when I say it saved my life, but it genuinely did.
I have so many plans for the next few years, as always I just gota be patient. My time will come and it will be SO worth it!

My boy has been struggling a bit, though being back at school means the support system we’ve put in place is really going to kick in and thank the fucking lord because I’m struggling with him.
He is so angry all of the time, he’s been quite aggressive and violent but also quite emotional. 2 days ago he tried to choke himself, I honestly didn’t know what to do. All he says is how much he hates himself and his life.
On one hand its frustrating because I’m doing everything I can and yes we are in a shit situation that I ultimately brought us in to, but only with the best intentions of a happy, safe future. Sometimes I feel so angry at him for being ungrateful for the life and the things he does have. 

But then on the other hand it’s absolutely heartbreaking, especially when he calms down and says he understands why we are here and he knows it isn’t my fault.

9 years old and he is basically suicidal.
Do you have any idea how much that hurts as a mother?

And yet, that absolute waste of space sperm donor cunt thinks his life is hard. He’s done this, he did all of this to us. Set aside all the shit he did to me this is what he has done to his own child. I’m telling you now NOONE in this world will ever hurt my children again. 

He has a support worker at school with weekly sessions, he has started his 2 weekly respite sessions with the DA charity for children. Both kids will be having separate sessions with another charity in school designed around alcohol and drug abuse (which they were subjected to) and my girl is also having weekly sessions about dealing with emotions.

I’m doing my absolute best here, I cannot physically do anymore. We just have to ride out these bad times and allow our souls to heal and become stronger.

Guess I should probs get them from school now 😂

Song for every blog… ( really because its in my head)

Freya Ridings – Castles

You left my love, you hit the target
You got that rush and then you walk out the door
You kept me small, it’s what you wanted
I never noticed
You held my hand into the darkness
I didn’t care, it made me just want you more
My god, your love, it seems so harmless
I never noticed

And I hate that you’re gone
And I hate that I don’t wanna let go
And I hate that you think that I’m weak
‘Cause I don’t wanna let you know

I’m gonna build castles
From the rubble of your love
From the rubble of your love
I’m gonna be more than
You ever thought I was
You ever thought I was

(My fav line from the end of the song)

I’m gonna be
Stronger
Than you ever thought I was 💪