12 years & out

So it just makes sense to carry on from my last blog and write about the final night. The last physical and verbal attack I was prepared to take.

We got home from Barcelona on Monday 25th of February. The kids had been taken to school and I had a student booked for mentoring at 11am! I pretty much went straight to work and he was all positive, cleaning the house and getting the washing on etc.

It was gona be tight for me to do school run so he went, I finished before they got home and as soon as I walked into the house I smelt alcohol. I’m like surely fucking not?! Low and behold they come in from school and he was fucking drunk 🤦‍♀️ my blood was boiling, he honestly couldn’t give a fucking shit about me or my feelings. He knew 1 drink would put me on edge.

I tried to stay away from him didn’t say too much just tried to spend time with the kids and potter about but he was gagging for a row.

Alot of the time I would try to ignore his behaviour and his drinking but he would ALWAYS start,

“I know your pissed off at me, I know you don’t actually want to be with me”

We sat at the kitchen table and he was crying, I said look,

“Yes you’ve drunk today there is fuck all I can do about it so I’ll just accept it and lets just have a nice evening with the kids we havent seen them for days I just dont want to row with you”

Man I tried, I tried so God damn motherfucking hard you have no idea.

The whole evening consisted of him making digs at me, following me around. Even when we all sat round the table to eat dinner he continued.

“You don’t want me, you’ve been planning to leave me for ages, you just want someone else”

And as fucking always INFRONT OF MY KIDS. Why oh why could he never keep his mouth shut? He had no filter, he didn’t give a fuck about what they were hearing, or what they would be feeling listening to it all the time. They have grown up so far in a world of arguments & violence & shouting. Why couldn’t he just care for them?

After dinner I went to run my girl a bath so I could get her to bed and this is when things began to escalate. He came up to the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bath,

“If you don’t want to be with me I think you should just fuck off, all you care about is your work and your lash friends you don’t care about us”

“Please don’t start all I want to do is give her a bath and get her to bed without listening to arguments we’ve only just got home”

“Get out of the house, pack your shit and just fuck off, you were upset yesterday because you were fucking planning this shit all along”

Then he grabbed my arms and tried to push me out the bathroom, I snapped for probably the first time ever and slapped him round the face.

He turned to me very calmly and said “Why would you do that? You know I’m physically stronger than you”

And do you know he tried to persue an assault charge for that slap? Of all the shit he had done to me, fucking sickening.

Now I was crying, my mind just couldn’t physically take anymore. More ranting followed then he got me in a head lock and dragged me out of the bathroom towards the stairs telling me I had to leave. I managed to break free and ran down the stairs.

He got my daughter into the bath and I knew I couldn’t leave without her so I went into the kitchen and started washing up, my mind was going insane I just wanted to run, I had no idea what was going to happen I just prayed it wouldn’t be too bad.

He came downstairs and he stood right behind me as I was washing up, the thought of that alone actually gives me chills.

He picked up some cutlery on the dryer and said

“Look at it you can’t even fucking wash up properly”

I was trying so fucking hard to hold it all in, he was just ranting away and staggering around the kitchen.

I made a fag to go outside, I always went to the garden when I felt really scared because atleast then I had a slight chance of getting away.

He picked up one of the kids teddy’s and threw it at my face and I just screamed. I was completely hysterical by now, I cannot tell you how badly my heart was hurting. It didn’t matter that it was a teddy, it made me jump and it scared me.

When you live in this type of environment for such a long time your body and mind are programmed differently. You are on edge 24 hours a day even in your fucking sleep.

I ran out to the garden to get away from him, he followed me a minute later telling me I was making a scene. He came towards me and I picked up a garden chair to protect myself, but my boy was in the living room playing his ps4 and he looked out at us so I put it down. No matter what he did to me infront of them I would not allow them to see me hurt someone because I’m not like him.

That’s when he came for me, he kicked me straight in the chest and I staggered backwards, I turned around to run and he grabbed me from behind and threw me. I landed on his go kart my shins literally slammed into the stupid fucking thing, the stupid fucking thing I had also paid for!!! I was sort of sat in the mud for a second as he run into the house and come flying back out with my car keys and he launched them at me.

Bare in mind this prick has a hard throw, he split my head clean open throwing his phone at it once, throwing things at me was like his favourite thing to do.

I got up off the floor and he came at me again he grabbed hold of my arm and started dragging me through the house, I was trying to fight him but his grip was too hard. He dragged me past our boy.

I can’t tell you how much that hurts my heart.

We got to the end of the hallway and he tripped (then I was thankful he was drunk) as he did his grip went and he went down with my jacket. I stood there for a second and looked at him on the floor and I knew I had to fucking run. I flew out the door and jumped into my car, I sped out the street as fast as I possibly could and stopped in a bus stop just a minute down the road.

For a couple of minutes I just screamed as hard as I could. I could not do this anymore. I didn’t know what to do, usually I wouldn’t tell anyone but my gut was fighting hard that day and I picked up the phone to my mum. I sobbed down the phone telling her he had done it again, she said she was on her way.

I rang my friend round the corner and went to hers, as soon as I got in that doorway I just sobbed my heart out. My legs were swollen, one was bleeding. My arm was stinging from the grabs, I had no shoes or socks on, was covered in mud and my chest hurt.

You know the very very sad thing about it is that this was a minor attack, in all seriousness, that was nothing.

That’s when she gave me the ultimatum and I made my decision. She also told me that if I didn’t tell my mum about the physical attacks then she would, enough was enough now.

I waited for my mum to arrive before I made the phone call to the police, I told them my husband had attacked me and I had fled the house. Then came the first risk assessment I would do, now I believe I’ve done possibly over 20 and been high risk every time. When there is a domestic incident a specific risk assessment is carried out.

For most of the phone conversation I had my eyes closed, I couldn’t bare to see my mum or friends reactions to the answers of these questions. I had never ever admitted any of this stuff to anyone before, my heart was in bits.

Saying it out loud for the first time was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The police came and after an hour or so he was taken away. You know when they went into the house they found him in bed watching Netflix? 🤦‍♀️

Also, the whole time I was gone from the house he hounded me via phone. I think there was 20 something missed calls and 50 odd texts in one hour. In one of the texts he called me a slag, said I was fucking disgusting running off and leaving my kids to go and have sex with someone.

I can’t actually even comment anymore on that, it’s just fucking disgusting.

HOW THE FUCK DID I EVER LOVE SOMEBODY SO VILE.

I went to the police station to give my statement and was there til about 3am.

I remember taking off my jumper for photos and the police woman almost gasped, she said wow you really are tiny.

The gravity of the whole situation really hit home then, this was actually really fucking bad. What on earth had I just gone through for 12 years?

I couldn’t actually believe what had just happened. I couldn’t believe I had done it.

I may have allowed a man to abuse me for a long time and I will never forgive myself for it, but I will never ever allow him or anyone else to ever again.

I actually did it.

I had finally broken free.

Until next time,

B xxx

Today I’m going to write about the last weekend with perp before I left for good. This is pretty tough for me to talk about as there were alot of conflicting emotions going on at this point and alot of home truths came to light.

In the previous weeks leading up to this weekend I had already attempted to leave several times. The latest one I had stayed with a friend for a few days but because he wouldn’t allow the kids to come with me I always went back, of course a clever tactic. As much as I despised him I would never ever have left my children with him long term so it was always a decision that was out of my hands. After this stay he promised to go to the doctors for help for his mental health & drinking, and for the first time in 12 years he actually went. Deep down I knew no matter what I wouldn’t stay with him but my thought process told me to keep quiet be with the kids and earn as much money as possible whilst making a proper plan to leave. I had already put money away without him knowing, my other savings he has since claimed as his. At the non-mol hearing he told the judge “I took all his cash savings” BITCH PLEASE 🙄 he owes me hundreds! (Let alone now almost 6 months worth of child maintenance, not that I want it I would much rather be skint thank you very much) I paid every single bill in that house, every birthday & Christmas, every holiday, I worked my fucking arse off for him to just spend it.

Anyways, the weekend to Barcelona had been booked for about 2 months.

Did I want to go? Simple answer, fuck no.

Did I feel I had a choice? Simple answer, fuck no.

I hadn’t really prepared anything because the thought of it made me feel physically sick. I can’t even begin to explain the state of me mentally at this stage, every day I focused on getting through every minute, just about putting one foot in front of the other. The physical attacks were every few days & verbal daily by now. I didn’t know my head from my arse.

To be honest all there was to do was pack and just arrange food for the pets, the kids were to be looked after at home so it was fairly simple. Although the edition of a random new dog hadn’t really helped matters, a dog now I might add that has been seized after attacking a small child. And they wonder why I didn’t want to keep him?

I had a playdate with some school mum’s at a soft play, I really wasn’t up to brave facing it but didn’t want to let them down. Whenever I went anywhere without him I got shit, and he used to say “You only take the kids places that suit you” Like a soft play with other mum’s. Why do parents go to soft play? So the kids can fuck off, play and wear themselves out whilst we get peace for an hour or 2. Am I ashamed to admit that?

Absofuckinglutely not.

But that’s a bad parent apparently, must be quite a few of us 🤷‍♀️

The tension had been building for a couple of days, I always felt it coming. The silent treatment had begun. Now this again is a very common tactic used, the silent treatment puts you on edge. You don’t know what they are thinking, planning or doing. This can last days sometimes weeks for people! Just hideous.

Before I left I got the whole

“You never do anything to help, you never fucking do anything for any of us only your friends and your fucking lash people”

I left the house ignoring him as always. When away from the house I would get millions of calls and texts. I had severe anxiety over missing phone calls, if I ever missed a phone call even if he knew I was working I was up to something or ignoring him. We would say goodbye in the morning and within an hour the cunt fuck would be on the phone, like mate I don’t need to hear from you every second of the damn day 🤦‍♀️ then I would get the “You never want to talk to me on the phone” No, no I fucking do not because I spoke to you 30 God damn minutes ago what the fuck is there to talk about?! Jesus!

Anyways we get home and it was just pure ranting for hours. He would follow me around the house, he came upstairs when I was packing and pulled it all out the bag throwing it all everywhere. As always I would just try to leave the room as quickly as possible before it was my turn to be thrown about.

By the time early evening came the tension had increased, he was now throwing things about (he was also drunk as per usual) I’d like to quickly add too that the abuse happened whether he was drunk, stoned or sober however alcohol fuelled the fire and I was always at a higher chance of being physically hurt while he was drunk.

Did you know that perpetrators often “gear themselves up” to be physical? They don’t really like to do it, its effort at the end of the day. But when they feel that control slipping it’s the only way, alcohol or drugs will give them an excuse.

By this stage in our relationship I was always prepared to be thrown out. I sat in the living room with my coat on, in my pockets would be money/phone/fags/lighter and car keys if possible. I would also have my shoes on. This was a regular occurrence, I had learnt to be prepared. When I was about 7 months pregnant with my boy I had to sleep in my car, that was a bad nights sleep! Many a time I was thrown out with fuck all especially in winter no shoes was a cunt! I had learned from my mistakes.

Whilst he screamed and shouted upstairs I sat shaking, my mind in pure overdrive and my body pumping with adrenaline.

You know I pulled my kids over to me and I whispered to them,

“Listen to mummy, if I tell you that you have to leave we have to leave straight away. Do not listen to your dad just run straight out that door when I tell you and don’t go back”

Again I had learned that he would stop me taking them, I knew he was getting worse and chances of it absolutely fucking blowing up were high, I couldn’t bare them listening or seeing it anymore it broke my heart into pieces.

Upstairs he was screaming and laughing,

“Your husbands fucking crazy haha!”

Then the doorbell went. He fucking bolted down the stairs still screwing and snarling at me and threw open the door.

It was his friend.

“Oh hello mate!” In a calm cheery voice.

They then continued to have a good old chat and a laugh while I was sitting in the living room ready to run for my life.

I have since seen said friend, he walked past me and my girl in the street maybe 2 months after I left perp. He glared at me like I was a piece of shit. The evil woman who had taken her kids away from their loving father. I hope one day you read this and realise I’m talking about you YOU VILE PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT. Anyone who condones abusive behaviour is just as bad as the abuser in my opinion. If I was strong enough I would if wiped that look straight off his motherfucking face, prick.

It was then that I truly realised perp was able to control himself. This wasn’t bipolar, this wasn’t a genuine mental health issue he really was just an evil son of a bitch. And I mean that literally he was born from evil.

He calmed ever so slightly after friend left, I put the kids to bed not knowing whether I would be there for them in the morning as we were scheduled to leave at 3am ish. They didn’t know either, that thought sickens me.

We continued to argue until about 1am, I kept telling him I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to leave my kids so he said fine take me to the airport then I’ll go by myself. Fucking sweet mate let’s go!

And so I drove him to the airport in my pyjamas and left him there. It was a hideous journey, I kept thinking he was going to grab the steering wheel and force us off the road.

Driving back was the weirdest experience of my life, I felt completely numb. He was ringing and texting but I ignored it. I got home and got into bed, I so badly just wanted to go to sleep. I wanted it all to go away, but I knew if I went to sleep I would miss the fight and I would be FUCKED. I very much doubt he would of gone alone, the thought of him coming back and smashing the door in when we missed the flight scared the living shit out of me and I just couldn’t bare the thought of the kids witnessing it, I didn’t know how far he would take that betrayal. And so I grabbed my stuff and went to the airport, I didn’t have a choice.

I’m not sure how I was functioning, by the time we got there I had been awake for over 24 hours. As always the brave face was on. This is why I struggle to know who I truly am nowadays, I was never myself around him, I couldn’t be. I couldn’t allow myself to let my guard down, I had to protect myself and be the person he wanted me to be.

On the 2nd day we went gokarting, now this was his newest phase but I have always enjoyed it so was excited to go. After our first go we pulled up and he jumped out of his kart, he went straight over to the men who had been on too and completely ignored me. Surely a normal person would go to their wife? How was it babe? Did you have fun?

No, because quite simply he couldn’t give 2 fucks about me and that hurt.

The rest of the time I spent stoned if I’m honest with you, I’ve never been a drinker but smoking enabled me to cope with him I would just zone out. I am fairly proud that it’s been almost 6 months since I smoked last, go me 💪

On the last day I woke up feeling so emotional, I just knew it was done, I couldn’t keep being this false, I couldn’t keep pretending I loved him. That love had gone on the wedding night. I despised him.

He asked what was wrong and of course I couldn’t admit that, in a foreign country alone with him? Christ I wasn’t suicidal! But he sensed it, he knew the control was slipping and he went off on one, threw his wedding ring at me (for the 1000th time) and stormed out.

He came back and I just lied, said my period made me emotional and I was just tired I wanted to fix us.

I survived the last day, I couldn’t wait to get home to my babies!

Here is where I finish because the rest of this leads to the last day and that’s for another time. Many will have heard his version of that last day but I will of course speak the truth like always.

Until next time,

B xxx

So I started to write the cycle of abuse part 2 earlier but my minds just too all over the gaff with it. Anyone who’s seen me teach will probably know I get too much come into my head at once I get a bit all over the place 🤣 my brain genuinely does 200 million miles an hour especially when I’m passionate about something, so I’ll keep working on that one!

Today’s been another fairly good day, bit of a pattern emerging here. I could be jinxing it but maybe there is a little light at the end of that big old fucking long tunnel finally?!

I saw a friend today that I hadn’t seen for probs over a year and it was SO good to see her, love you girl 😘

We spoke about what actually triggered me to leave so that’s what I shall write about tonight!

What was the trigger? The wedding.

How unbelievably sad that it was my wedding day that made me want to leave my husband? I mean I wanted to leave hundreds of times before but this was the final nail in the coffin for me, I was done.

If I’m completely honest I didn’t want to go through with it, but when you’ve got people committed to an abroad holiday and you’ve spent about 10k it’s pretty damn fucking hard to pull out. I should of though, it wasn’t worth it, I know they would of understood but as always I wanted to protect them. A small part of the reason I never left before was to protect those around me, which has absolutely come apparent from the abuse he’s given them since I left. Even my CLIENTS have had abuse I mean seriously? Fucking crazy cunt fuck! I never wanted anyone I loved to deal with his shit, I thought if I take it and keep quiet noone else will get hurt. One thing that hurt me the most was his words about my friends and family, this will become more apparent at the end of this one. Grab a cuppa now it’s gona take a while 🤦‍♀️

Getting married was my last hope, I had been faithful for 11 years, I had given him two beautiful children, I worked my arse off to provide for our family and it was never enough. I like to think I’m also a pretty good partner, I’m not particularly needy or demanding, I did my best to be a good housewife too. I remember asking him all the time just to love and respect me and not hurt me physically, I never asked for much. I truly believed if marrying him didn’t stop it nothing would.

In the last few years before the wedding the abuse had been getting worse and more frequent, I think it was the take off of my career that did it but that story is for another day.

A few months before we had a big row (couldn’t tell ya what it was about because there was hardly ever an actual reason just coz he felt like it) it kicked off in the morning before school run and he smashed my salon up. He kicked in the door and put a pick axe through my beauty bed (clients and students may have noticed the hole in the floor) he trashed the whole room and wrote on the wall..

“The wedding is off you slag”

That day I had 2 students who had travelled from Devon (about a 6 hour drive) they were girls I knew too. I had to do the school run in absolute bits as always. I had 1 hour to put right my salon, I was in such a state but I couldn’t possibly cancel. I called my friend (same friend who gave me that fateful ultimatum) and she came round and helped me. I truly cannot explain the love and admiration I have for this woman, she knew more than anyone and NOT ONCE did she ever judge me, she just listened and did what she can for me. I will never ever forget how she was there for me, I love you always ❤ Anyways we cleaned it up and I got on with it as always but just an example of the build up.

Planning a wedding should be perhaps a little stressful but as a whole an amazing experience. I think you can imagine what mine was like.

I remember arriving in Zante and as always it had been a horrendous journey. Anytime we travelled it was just horrific. 10 minutes from getting off the plane he was off on one because I hadn’t done enough to help get the bags and watch the kids. He left me behind and when I walked out of the terminal my wedding dress box had been dumped on the floor and abandoned.

Can you just fucking imagine that for 1 second? The most important dress of a woman’s whole entire life DUMPED ON THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING FLOOR??? Imagine someone had taken it?? PRICK.

When we finally got to the hotel he threatened to rip it into shreds too, told me the wedding was off.

Anyone that knows him will understand what a difficult person he is to be around, even if your not physically threatened by him he has an incredibly intimidating aura. He was even worse around other people, I think he felt it threatened his control, he always wanted us and the kids on our own. The whole holiday he was rude to everyone, I just can’t put into words the horrible atmosphere that human being creates, it really is insidious.

And so the day came.

My dress was honestly the most beautiful thing in the whole entire world, those that know me will know I’m really not a confident person but seriously I looked fucking amazing mate 💁‍♀️😂 the ceremony was fine it was actually quite lovely.

One thing that stands out to me though is him crying the whole time, I never shed a single tear, weird. When I look back I think I was numb, it didn’t feel real, I had my brave face on, I think my gut knew this would never be enough…

And so came the reception which was actually really lovely too.

One thing I will never forgive myself for is the speeches. After the wedding I found out my sister was really hurt that I hadn’t mentioned her. All I could think about was making it perfect for him and special for him that I forgot about the one person who had made it all possible. I cannot tell you how deeply that hurts me. I’m not sure I can even write anymore about it, just know how sorry I am if you are reading this, I love you more than I could ever say and I hope that you have forgiven me.

Everyone had a good day and was very merry and so it was time to go back to the hotel.

Obviously we consummated our marriage, I was gona be really blunt then but I gota remember random people are reading this shit 😂😂

I was laying on our bed and we were talking about the evening, he started to get quite irate talking about my sister. Apparently she had been flirting with his friend who was there with his girlfriend. I said no of course she wasn’t, they’ve known each other a long time it was only banter.

No, she was flirting with a man right in front of his pregnant girlfriend because shes a fucking slag and she upset said girlfriend. No, she’s not a slag at all and she was not upset everyone was so happy I think your being silly! Oh so you agree with that type of behaviour do you? You condone being a fucking slag do you?

Next thing I know he has hold of my arms and legs and my body slams onto the cold floor.

I genuinely think my heart stopped for a split second. I had married this man just hours ago, we had literally just had sex and he was hurting me again.

That was the moment I realised he would never change.

Whilst he was screaming and shouting and throwing things I grabbed some clothes and ran from the room. I went to the pool and laid on a sun lounger and cried my heart out.

I’m not sure how long I was there but I fell asleep at some point. I woke to hear my mum and step mum walking around, the fear I felt was unbearable. I didn’t want anyone to know, I was hurt and embarrassed and ashamed. I waited for them to go and went back to the room. He was out cold in bed. I must’ve been there for 2 minutes when my dad popped his head in the door, oh the look on his face was heartbreaking.

I went with him to my mums room and told them what had happened. In my absence my family saw him and he told them what had happened and they all lost their shit, he tried to attack my sister too. My heart broke for them, they were just devastated for me. They knew we had had problems in the past but never knew the full extent.

My wedding night was spent sharing a single bed with my son, completely and utterly broken.

Of course the next day he was full of apologies and as always it was the alcohols fault. He made a promise to my whole family he would never drink again, a promise that as always was to be broken.

From that night something in me changed, I became numb. I no longer felt love for him, just pure hatred and resentment. I was never going to be enough for him and I knew from that moment on that I would leave him I just didn’t know how or when.

I gave my whole soul to a man who never deserved it.

As sad as it is I won’t allow this to ruin my future. I really hope one day I can experience that magical day with someone who truly loves me.

Until next time,

B xxx

On tonight’s episode of blogging with B… Can you tell I’m in a better mood? 😂

I feel calmer today than I have done in weeks, sometimes my anxiety sends me on a mad high (before a huge crash back down) so it could be that, it could be being around incredible friends, or that I haven’t taken any medication for 2 days. First I was on some for my IBS, then anti-depressants for the nightmares and depression, and beta blockers to stop panic attacks and anxiety. To be honest it’s all signs of PTSD or CPTSD but no formal diagnosis. Not sure if my body is coping with it all so I’m gona have a few days break see how we get on but my appetite is back and I slept better last night! It’s good to feel hungry, I defo lost a few lbs last week which sucks coz it took me SO long to put it on. My lowest weight was 6st 10lb, I was literally bones I looked hideous and felt it too! Now I’m sitting around a healthy 8st and it shows.

Today I want to share a bit of info on the cycle of abuse, of course it’s not always the same but most perpetrators follow a similar pattern. A few weeks after I left perp I was googling shit (fucking love a Google me) and I came across it. For a long time I believe perp was mentally ill (I guess technically he is coz narcissistic personality disorder is actually a real thing) I thought he had bipolar, I had actually joined a bipolar support group as I was SO convinced it was that. A question I regularly asked myself was,

“Is he genuinely mentally unwell OR just an evil person?”

Obviously I believed the first mostly, I had actually began to write a brief diary of his moods too. I knew there was a pattern of behaviour, I thought that if I could show this to a doctor they would help him. I actually used this in one of my many statements to police too as evidence.

It’s not overly in depth but you might just get the jist…

14/02
– AM fine, went to work
– Early eve, paranoia rant of phone/fb said I obviously want to leave etc
– Late eve, sorry for hurtful things said
– Good sleep

15/02
– Am fine
– Pm fine, relaxed and calm, no bad thoughts or words asleep early

16/02
Am – fine, relaxed
Pm – Mad that things weren’t done, snapped said if he doesn’t do everything in the house nothing gets done. I hadn’t done anything for upcoming trip. I didn’t care and clearly waiting for opportunity to leave said i should take kids and go back to friends.
Calm down quickly, both apologised. But when asked if he would still be visiting doctors ” yeh but ive felt so good i just get a bit stressed when others don’t make the same effort as me”

17/02
Am – calm
Early pm – irritable, was maybe 13 days sober and secretly drunk outside house on camera
Asked to have just 1 beer to relax, i said no and he did it anyway. Kept situation calm and all slept well.

18/02
Am/pm fairly relaxed, no paranoia etc
Apologised for previously drinking but still unaware i know of more drinking

19/02
Am – good/calm
Pm – Lots of energy, talking fast.
I felt uncomfortable this is usually when mood changes.

20/02
Ok most of day, quite tired and aggitated until i collapsed then he calmed down normal behaviour.

21/02
Am ok
From lunchtime very aggitated, due to go away for weekend alone. Ive done nothing to help or prepare, im planning to leave and my friends are in on it. All my friends and family hate him, telling me to leave him trying to destroy our marriage. Ranting about certain friends/family.
He puts effort into everyone and its never good enough. Hes shown me the man he can be and i push it away. I blamed him for collapse and he did nothing to help.
Very aggressive threw wedding ring at me and checked my messages to friends.
Bought beers.
I planned to ruin our weekend away on purpose, all of it is my fault. Horrible words about everyone close to me its their influence. I probably slept with someone or met someone 3 weeks ago when he drove me out the house for 3 days which prompted doctor visit.
Rant lasted until 1pm when i gave up and drove him to airport alone. 2.20am i write this.

See how I KNEW when things were changing? That’s when you slip into that tension phase.

The collapse I speak about is when I fainted whilst eating my dinner. Previous to all this I had attempted to leave him several times over the previous couple of weeks, he wouldn’t ever let me take the kids which is why I always went back. There was no obvious reason or physical reason for the fainting, I can only believe it was my body just giving up. I cannot begin to describe the level of exhaustion abuse brings mentally and physically.

Anyways, the cycle goes like so…

-Honeymoon period of loving behaviour and gestures.

-A build up of tension.

-The attack.

-Remorse and apology.

When I read that on Google I genuinely felt like I had been punched in the stomach, sick rose up my throat and I thought I have been such a fucking MUG.

The level of betrayal was unreal. I tried to HELP that man, I did at one stage love him and the whole entire god damn fucking time it was a GAME.

I saw a pattern of behaviour, I literally knew this pattern like the back of my hand and the whole time I was actually seeing my own cycle of abuse.

And that my friends, is some fucked up shit.

Thought I have to admit it is undeniably clever. The honeymoon phase reels you in, and this is why so so many of us go back time and time again.

“Oh but he can actually be really loving”

No, let me tell you narcissists are completely and utterly incapable of love. It’s a tactic to humanize themselves because they know we are empathetic and forgiving and want to see the best in people. Keeps us coming back hey?

A build up of tension is designed to keep up in fight or flight mode, and that is excatly what it does!! I did originally want to write about that stage today but I’ve got sidetracked 😂 that will come when I write about the Barcelona trip, urgh those words alone just creep me out.. Anyways, this phase keeps you on your toes, it makes you eager to please, it leaves you questioning what’s happening and what is going to happen. You are then so consumed by this you cannot possibly think of anything else. You are fully under their control.

The attack is a snap back to fucking reality. This doesn’t necessarily have to be physical either, we know that not all perpetrators use physical abuse, simply because they don’t need to. Often violence is used because their other methods of control are failing. This is why the term Domestic abuse is preferred over domestic violence. Yes physical abuse is utterly wrong and damaging but ultimately it’s the mental abuse that is the worst. The attack leaves you feeling so broken and vulnerable and so bewildered. You just sit there and think,

“What in the actual fuck just happened?!”

Then comes the remorse and apology, throughout the tension and attack your brain is on high alert, you don’t actually know who the fuck you are or where you are and your completely alone. Then suddenly there’s this person who wants to be there for you.

BAM they fucking have you by the short and curlies.

I think sometimes that stage can also be a bit like the tension because it can also continue with more verbal abuse. They will rant for HOURS AND FUCKING HOURS, even days until you are so physically and mentally drained you just give in. Even when your gut instinct is screaming at you not to, their control takes over, you just cannot fight anymore.

First time my eyes have welled up today with that part, knowing for so long that I knew it was wrong hurts deeply, I often refer to it as having 2 voices in your head. One is your gut instinct the other is their control.

Did you know that sleep deprivation is a common tactic used by perpetrators? Again fucking clever shit mate. They leave you in such a state of exhaustion and confusion that you give in and the whole cycle repeats itself, over and over and over again.

Again it’s incredibly clever, the tactics used within each stage are too. Honestly they are a breed.

So many others I have spoken to that share experiences and we go, holy shit that is my ex!!! Because they are all the same.

Complete and utter cunt fucks.

Until next time,

B xxx

So, 1228 views. That’s pretty damn odd! You ever just feel like your life is surreal? No? just me then 😂

It’s really strange to know so many people now know what the fuck goes on in your head, I do feel a sense of relief but also a feeling of fuck me what am I doing 🙈

When people find out what you’ve been through it makes it all the more real. I’ve spoken to so many different police officers, IDVA’s ( independent domestic violence advisors, this is a support service for the most high risk) social services, mental health workers, doctors and real life people and their reactions are of just utter shock. It seems so bewildering to others yet for me this is like the norm. It’s seeing their reactions that make you kind of step back and go woah, that was some pretty tough shit.

A tactic commonly used by perpetrators of abuse is one that makes you believe it’s really not all that bad. Your just being dramatic or that you completely imagined it. A few comments I had were “but I’ve never full on punched you in the face” yeh coz I’d rather have your teeth sinking into my arm drawing blood obvs. Or, “but I’ve never cheated on you” I guess I should be grateful?? 🤦‍♀️ I also don’t know if that was true either, but then he was either by my side 24/7 or on the phone so not sure he had time, a very busy man he was. Some will admit their actions, though of course theres an excuse, some will just outright lie.

I remember us all sitting at the dinner table once eating and he made a comment, I can’t actually remember what it was now, most likely something about me being “unfaithful” anyways it was nasty enough for me to literally freeze, my eyes filled up and I said what the hell is that about, he says “What? What you on about? What did I say?” In my head I’m screaming, how do you say that kind of evil shit to someone then just fucking forget?! And as always in front of my children.

They want to make you think your actually insane, your the crazy one, your the abuser.

Like the “assault” I was interviewed under caution about but got away with. Now although I would LOVE to physically hurt him for what he’s done I have to be realistic in the fact this short arse 5 ft something tiny me has no strength to hurt a paper bag let alone a man twice my size and weight. But I’m the abuser don’t forget that now…

You don’t realise how bad the situation is until you’ve left, and even now I don’t think I have grasped the full extent. Your brain goes through so many changes after experiencing trauma, you know there is genuine evidence to suggest brain damage can actually occur too just through mental and verbal abuse. Yes I’m full of random facts!

Now I’d like to finish this one off on a more positive note. We’ve spent the weekend with one of my incredible friends & her beautiful family. I also got to meet some other amazing girls for the first time who have supported me without even meeting me, for that I thank you so much. My brain is anxious (it legit is 24 hours a day) but it feels a little more at peace. It’s magical to see a strong family unit, it is a little sad for me of course but it makes me somewhat hopeful for the future and I will always wish true happiness for those I love no matter my own experiences.

Relationships are never easy, as humans we all have our faults. But true love is accepting of those faults, it’s kind and respectful. If you have a loving partner, no matter how much you want to throttle them sometimes, please be grateful.

Maybe one day that will be me.

Until next time,

B xxx

This was the last entry I wrote about 2 weeks ago, it’s been a quiet 2 weeks which is always actually more stressful sometimes because you don’t know what’s coming. Anyone that knows the abuse cycle will be aware of the “tension” stage, this is by far the worst of all, worst than the attacks. Many warriors out there will probably agree that they just wanted the attack to happen because being in the flight or flight mode for so long is just insidious. I’ll definitely share more of that stage in time, I’ve done so much research and learnt so much I want to pass that knowledge on for sure!

Wow it’s been a hard few days, I thought be would be remanded until court but he was sentenced straight away. 1 breach of a non-molestation order, 1 charge of stalking ( going back to when the non-mol was taken out 3 months ago) and 3 counts of assault by battery = 5 months suspended for 2 years, some compensation and 150 hours of unpaid work.

For 5 months I have been stalked, harassed and intimidated by perp. I’ve had my name fucking slaughtered, every single day I live with crippling anxiety and am on edge. Every day I relive the shit he did to me and the stress of the new drama that unfolds. Every day i see the impact of the damage and trauma he has caused to my children. Every day I feel the pain of what he put us through and what he continues to put us through. Every day I wonder what our future holds and if it will ever be normal. Every day I wonder if he is going to find us, or if he is following us or someone else is. Every day we live in fear and yet again he walks free as a bird.

There is no justice here. There will never be justice for what he has done and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Yeh hes on a suspended sentence but fucking seriously? Has anything stopped him before? He believes hes untouchable and let’s face it he is.

We miss having our own home, we miss seeing our friends, we miss our family and we miss our Stella.

Sometimes I just want to hold my hands up and say I am fucking done mate. I can’t fight anymore and I don’t want to fight anymore. But even in those moments I know I won’t ever give in, all I can do is do my best. I will try to fix our broken souls and build them up to never be hurt again. I will protect those 2 babies with my life and do my best to be that 1 stable loving and caring parent no matter what happens.

He never thought I would walk away or stand against him but I will be stronger than he ever thought I was. .

Until next time,

B xxx

This is difficult one to read even for me, abuse comes in many forms and although the mental abuse was by far worse the physical brings painful memories.

To any of you reading that attended my training in Rotherham about 3 years ago, notice the part about the scar on my head. That happened 12 hours before that training, I still had blood matted in my hair. Although that memory hurts it’s a strangely proud moment for me knowing how strong I was to still put that brave face on and deliver my training as I always do. For that I high five myself!

Here goes…

Sometimes I’m just like where do I even start trying to get my thoughts down?

Perp has been on the run from the police for a week now, tormenting them on social media and making a big joke of it. To be fair they’ve been trying and I’m truly hoping they are finally taking me seriously because this is just going too far now. My boys had nightmares all week of him breaking into peoples houses to take them, he had another that perp killed me. The sad reality is that is a real possibility.

I don’t take his lies too seriously nowadays but today’s ones hurt bad. He has denied the assault in Feb, says he didnt lay a finger on me only to get me out of the house to protect himself and the kids because I was attacking him. He said come on I’m a big guy and would do more damage with a punch than that.

Yes, yes you would. And I know that from previous assaults you disgusting vile fucking pig!

Women that get beat up by partners are covered in bruises apparently, black eyes broken jaws and shit.

Oh ok is that all that happens is it?

What about the punch to the chest 2 days before our honeymoon? You know when I could barely fucking breathe? You dropped me straight to the floor in the garden with that punch. That was after dragging me around the house, conveniently forgot the dirty black bruise on my thigh from that, you know the one we talked about many times on honeymoon? The one that took over 2 weeks to fade? How sorry you were and that it shouldn’t of happened.

What about the lump on the back of my head too where you pushed me into my shed when I was trying to get away from you, oh sorry I must of fucking dreamt it all CLEARLY YOU CUNT.

HOW, I mean fucking HOW can you dare speak those words after years of hurting me?

The punching, the kicking ( yes yes I do have fucking evidence of pictures of bruising to back up the fact you kicked me in the chest on that last night as well as everything else you cunt) the biting, the pinning me down, picking me up my the throat, throwing phones at my head (yes again evidence of the inch scar on the side of my head) throwing tables at me, chairs, toys, keys, the car jack when I was pregnant with MY son, the car stereo the night you nearly broke my arm, pretty much throwing anything in sight including the bin. You know how many god damn motherfucking bins I have replaced in the last 12 years after them being fucking lobbed at me?! Dragging me by my hair, pulling me and throwing me around like some sort of rag doll. Spitting at me, throwing cups of tea at me, tipping the bin over me, pouring shit over my head.

Again, I must of dreamt it all I really must of.

You sick evil vile waste of human air. No single person in their right mind would EVER do that to someone they propose to love. Most people wouldn’t even do it to a stranger.

I cannot describe the sick feeling in my stomach when I read this shit, I feel so degraded and used. The amount of bruises and cuts and lumps I have hidden over the years but again women who get beaten up have visible black eyes dont they? Some of you cunts are more clever, you do it in places that can be hidden, that noone could see. You think all abused women are walking round looking like a punch bag? FUCKING PLEASE! You thick fucking cunt.

The anger and the hatred consumes me and I cant bare it. I just hope they catch him soon i don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight my mind is just on overdrive with memories and pain.

The question I ask every day is when will this be over? I just want it to be over 😭

Until next time,

B xxx

Here’s the next entry I made about 4 weeks ago, getting a little deeper into emotions here…

I’m not sure why I havent written or rather typed, it’s been a difficult week or so. My emotions have been pretty intense, my bad dreams have become more frequent and my mood lower. I guess it’s to be expected but I often think when is this going to end? But I have learnt some deep shit this week.
I’ve been reading an online course ( I say reading coz I havent done the exercise’s perhaps i should!) Its about overcoming narcissistic abuse, I think at this stage its pretty fucking fair to say perp is a fully fledged narc. One part spoke about loosing our own self trust, loosing faith in our own intuition. For years I felt like I battled myself in my own head, this little voice would always tell me to run, it would always tell me he’s going to do this again, and that actually everything I thought in my head was true. What he did to me and how he treated me was never ever ok, and deep down I always knew this but why didn’t i truly believe it?
Because I’ve lost how to trust myself and thats really quite sad.
How can another human being do that to someone? And how can you allow another human being to do that to you?
This is how insanely powerful these creatures are!! Alot of things made me sad this past week.
Alot of people leave their perps and miss them, I can honestly and truly say I have never for 1 single millisecond missed him. In the end I fucking despised him, I hated everything about him, everything he was. But what does hurt is that there was never actually real love from him, those good times were fake it was all a game, everything is a game. He never truly loved me for the person I was, and now I wonder if anyone actually will because the truth is I dont know who I am now.
Fuck me if i dont know how is anyone else gona find her and love her?
That really does hurt.

I tried to do an art session with the house yesterday, I was so drained I tried to hold it in but it all came tumbling out and I sobbed my fucking heart out. It made me think that since this all happened i have never let go in front of anyone, maybe a few tears but I’m talking that gut wrenching sob where your whole heart just aches and its painful. For so so many years I only cried alone, all those hundreds of times he just completely and utterly shattered my soul and I felt so alone. So trapped and lost, my intuition telling me one thing, his control another. Like 2 voices battling inside my head and I always choose his, even though it fucking pained me. I’m a stubborn cunt when I want to be and my, did I fight that control hard but it always won.
I told my Dad today about it and he said well I guess it’s because you’ve had to hold it in for so long your just used to it and it’s true, if I had let all that out in front of anyone the game would of been up and I wasn’t ready to do that.

The kids started school this week ( first time I’ve ever cried dropping them at school, normally I’m fucking running away ha) theyve done so well and been so brave. I’m so God damn proud of those 2 even if they do drive me to the brink of insanity. The boy has been hard work and always, hes absolutely been more effected out of the 2. He threw a piece of pasta at me the other day, now to a normal person that doesn’t mean too much other than its pretty damn disrespectful. To me its degrading, some of my strongest memories are those that werent as painful but degrading.
The night I left he threw a teddy at me in the kitchen, this was after hours of ranting. Telling me I wasn’t mentally stable to look after my children, I couldn’t wash up properly and of course I had planned all of this. When that teddy hit me that gut wrenching cry came, 10 minute previous he had me in a head lock trying to drag me down the stairs, I didnt cry then but now I did.
Another strong memory was about 10 years ago, before the kids, he tipped a whole carton of tropical juice on my head. I mean why would you even do that to someone? I’ve lost count of the times he would chuck his tea at me in the morning, I’d have to get changed before taking the kids to school. Or emptying the bin out on my head, do you know how many fucking times I’ve cleaned a whole kitchen full of rubbish and smashed plates? Cleaning the shit off the walls? How many times the kids came in, mummy can we help? mummy why is the rubbish everywhere?
You absolute fucking scumbag piece of shit perp.
This could go on and on but its 12pm already, hopefully the medication change from the doctor will help with a little of all of this. For now I’ll go to sleep hoping for a peaceful dream.

Until next time,

B xxx

Here’s a diary entry I wrote about 6 weeks ago, nothing overly interesting but it does make me chuckle a little ( yes I find myself quite amusing sometimes 🤣) Also realised emojis work here YES!!

Here goes..

So here I am week 3 of being in refuge, I wish I had started this diary a while ago but hey ho! Today and yesterday have probably been my lowest whilst being here but still nowhere near as bad as being with the perp. I’m gona refer to him as perp or the perp, usually it’s a swear word but seeing as I quite like most swear words I think this is better 🤷‍♀️😂 Perp for perpetrator, because really that’s all he fucking is, and that’s all he ever fucking will be.
I’m thinking maybe one day this could turn into a blog or perhaps a book, or perhaps I’ll just look back at it by myself. I’m gona share each day as it comes with past events too. My brain has way too much in it not letting it out somewhere would be a silly idea!
It’s really quite overwhelming to describe your life to someone (even though I’m really quite getting used to it)

I awaited a call from a police sergeant that as always never fucking came. What a shocker 🙄 When the perp was first arrested in February 2019 I thought wow, they really do care about victims of domestic abuse. The further in I’ve got I realise that I am just a number, just another statistic that quite frankly noone gives a shit about 🤷‍♀️ He was supposed to explain to me why they are taking no further action on the reported breaches of a non-molestation order granted against the perp in March 2019. Why they even bother having these and restraining orders in place I don’t know!!! I understand greatly that our emergency services are so heavily stretched nowadays of course, but it’s no excuse to not follow through with what they say they will do. Being honest not 1 single person has given 1 single fuck about the safety of me and the kids, na not really. Tick boxes have been ticked (mostly) they got their conviction for their records and that’s it now piss off with your shit because we don’t want to know. God fucking forbid he finds us because if anything happens to me it’s on their backs. Seriously it’s like they get bored 🤦‍♀️ oh it was only a few bruises she will be alright. Bet they also thought that about all the victims who are killed after authorities fail to do their job 🙄
Anyways, it’s been a tough one.

Had the shits most of the day too, damn IBS is playing up and if you hadn’t quite gathered yet my life is one big stress so yes, its STRESS RELATED IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

Thanks again perp, you fucking wank stain 🖕
So what’s he up to? Telling the Facebook world hes going to find the kids and take them. Also begging a family solicitor to come forward and help him fight for his kids in court. I mean really any normal person would just Google it, but hes skint.
So skint he’s fucked off on holiday, prob with his new bird who he’s been parading around with. Now please let’s not think I am envious of such new gf, I would rather gauge my own eyes out. Genuinely I feel sorry for her I really do.
So, he can’t afford a solicitor or to pay a court order to get contact with the children he so desperately loves adores and misses (cue the bullshit cough) or afford to pay a penny towards them (it’s been 3 months now) but hes sunning it up somewhere.
Let’s pray he either drinks himself to death or the plane crashes on the way home, wouldn’t that be such a shame? 🙏🤣

That’s all for today, time to switch off from the world and watch Netflix. Highlight of my life!! Peace out ✌

Are you bored yet? 😂

Until next time,

B xxx

So I’m gona briefly explain the last 5 months and this will give you an idea of what’s been happening and a slight insight into my crazy ass life!! I had written a few posts before and I will post them (even if they are a bit all over the place) so it will make more sense after this! Names & locations will be changed on all posts just to keep everyone safe 🙂

On the 28th February 2019 I made a call that would ultimately change my life forever, I reported my husband to the police for assault, the hardest phone call I’ve ever made. After being thrown out again (one day I’ll go back to that last night) I went to my friends house, a friend who knew more than most and who had been there without judgement the entire time if your reading this, I love you. Sat at her kitchen table with no shoes, covered in dirt, my body hurting she gave me an ultimatum.

“You can go back there and do that every single day for the rest of your life or you make that phone call and it ends now”

Decision was made and the real hardwork began. Now I’ll speed up a tad..

He was arrested for assault by beating & released under bail conditions. 10 days later re arrested for harassment whilst on bail. Another few weeks or so and another arrest for breaching court bail. Basically, he wasn’t giving up.

Please also note whilst this was going on I was still in my house which was next door to his family.

I then approached the family court for my own injunction because clearly he didnt give a fuck about police bail so in March my non-molestation order was granted and it was also now I decided to stop child contact. My children had been used enough and I wasn’t having them confused anymore. Mummy and daddy were certainly not fucking getting back together.

In April we got the conviction of assault by beating & harassment and I’m not even gona fucking bother with the punishment because its laughable, though it was still a huge win for me.

And then 30 mins from sentencing the cunt is outside my house. Now here’s when you’ll get a slight insight into the world of our criminal justice system (not the police, the courts)

A man was convicted of domestic abuse charges and then allowed TO LIVE NEXT DOOR to the victim. How? I’m still asking that question.

Anyways I had stayed in the house to keep working and whilst councils and my landlord tried to move us. It was horrific living there, every day I was tormented, he was always there, making sly comments, shouting abuse at my friends, posting shit in my letterbox.

Imagine making such a bold and brave decision to leave as they always suggest you do and then still having to live on edge every single fucking day? I couldnt even go in my garden without being watched it was horrific.

Some of you may already know I am a lash artist, I had a salon in my garden but had began lashing clients inside due to being threatened with social services for “leaving my children unattended”. That’s why I stopped contact actually, he facetimed my children and told them the police were coming because mummy left them alone (more lies) Anyways I was lashing a client in my kitchen, I didn’t usually let the kids outside without me but my girl had asked so sweetly as it was a warm day. All I wanted to do was earn £40 for my kids coz no other cunt was paying for them! Still doesn’t either.. They were then convinced to go over the fence, told they could come over for a while and then go home.

I realised within roughly 9 minutes they were gone, our little dog alerted me actually God bless her!

You must be aware until now I had kept all my emotions in, I had never responded to anything from anyone, but now that was unleashed. By the time I got over that fence he was already ringing the police and filming me. I then lost my shit and tried to break into the house using my Henry Hoover pole, it was the only thing I could find! I remember screaming so fucking hard I almost pissed myself (no joke) After everything I had been through now my children were gone.

Waiting for the police I laid on my hallway floor and sobbed my fucking heart out, at the moment I couldn’t fight anymore.

Because of parental rights I couldn’t get them back that night and I knew then I could no longer stay in the house.

The next day I removed the kids from school at lunchtime and they never returned to that house. I would never ever let that happen again. And so came the decision to move into refuge.

We left our home, our friends, school and my business all just to be safe. I had to rehome our tortoises and was so lucky that I had a trusted person to look after our doggy, shes doing so well and it is the best feeling knowing shes being taken care of, if your reading this thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Now let me tell you during this whole time my name has been well and truly fucking dragged through the mud, my whole life publicised on fucking Facebook, and it really fucks me off but I’ve kept my cool and my dignity (just about though, I’ve had stern warnings from friends haha)

During this time my friends and family have been harassed by messages etc and actually even my fucking clients!! Then came a visit to my mum, who lives 60 miles away should I add, followed by my car registration being posted online for people to “follow”. I’ve had to shut down my Instagram and Facebook business accounts due to the flying monkeys finding out my business. In the world of narcissists a flying monkey is someone who does their dirty work for them just so you know.

Then comes another visit to my mums whilst we are there, sitting there eating our KFC in the living room and look who fucking waltzes in. Yep you got it!!

My family fought him to get him out, never underestimate their love and protection for us. How someone thinks they can walk in and take my children I dont fucking know.

Then we have 1 charge of stalking, 1 charge of breaching a non-molestation order and 3 counts of assault by battery and a suspended sentence was given.

So that’s where we are up to, I’ve had peace for 2 weeks so far but it doesn’t last long unfortunately. I’m awaiting the next move. We’ve now been safe in refuge for 9 weeks, probably going to be here a few more months waiting for our forever home but it will be worth it.

That was such a brief description of the last 5 months, honestly this shit is like a fucking Netflix series!

You may now understand a small fraction of what we have been through.

Until next time,

B xxx