12 years & out

The old blog is gona be a little quiet this week as we are on holiday wahooo!!!

Ahh I wasn’t sure if we would actually get here. I kept thinking he would somehow try to stop us from going, legally I don’t need permission to take the kids out of the country unless it’s longer than 28 days but still you can get court orders to prevent it. How fucked up would that be if perp spent hundreds to stop his kids going on holiday but not to get contact?
Wouldn’t surprise me!
Had visions of him somehow finding out the date and turning up at the airport 🙈
I’ve had some fucked up dreams over the past week or so too, especially the night before I basically didn’t sleep.
But none the less we are here!!

AND with no stress!!

The night before I literally laid in bed thinking this is surreal, am I going to wake up soon and this is all a dream? Because it’s just too good to be true.
One of my bestie’s is with us (I will refer to her as bestie as always I don’t like to mention names to protect identity’s, did you notice I legit have to live some secret ass service life now?!)

The whole run up to holiday was just weird. Usually it’s such a hideously stressful time. From organising it to packing to the travelling. Normally “I’ve done nothing”. I would plan the whole fucking holiday and be told I had done fuck all for it. Coz I’m too busy with my lash gang, BORING 🙄
Perp was particularly cunt fuckish around special occasions and holidays. I’m not entirely sure why, I’ve since read that they don’t like anything that takes the attention away from themselves so maybe that’s why!
Anyone who has children knows travelling with them is not at all for 1 second easy or fun. However, perp took it to a whole other level. You gota remember travelling for adults is boring as fuck let alone for kids but he never understood that. In fact he never understood anything about other peoples feelings or how they perceive things, simply because he didn’t give a fuck.

Honestly these people really are the most self centred creatures on earth.

So yeah getting here was a little stressful but nowhere near as bad as normal. I would usually end up in tears at some point along the journey after being screamed at for something I didn’t do or something I didn’t do well enough.
You know what else perp was actually so embarrassing in every aspect of life especially in public. He would criticise everyone on everything they did. Didn’t matter if he knew them or not or if we were in public or not.
We have had many a row in public and definitely on holiday. When my boy was just under 2 we went to Greece for the first time. We had such bad arguments people complained. I always remember this one time we were arguing he was off his face as usual, and he was in the bathroom screaming at himself in the mirror that he wasn’t crazy. It genuinely haunts me, I have never seen anyone loose the plot like that in my life, I was petrified he would wake the boy (lucky he sleeps through pretty much anything) or that people would come to the room to find out what was going on. I think he was punching the mirror too, I can’t remember too much but I remember the fear.

I’ve found that I can’t always remember the facts, particularly because they were so many many hideous rows and attacks that happened, but I always remember the feelings. It’s the same for my nightmares now, I don’t always know what happened but I wake up feeling the same feelings as when bad shit went down. Again I think that’s a bit of PTSD there.

Bestie is sleeping now btw, only bad thing about her is she goes to bed early 😂 I say early, its 12.18pm and I’m wide awake I think there’s a strong possibility I’m the one with the issue 🤦‍♀️
I’ve literally been awake til 1.30ish most nights for the last week or 2, then I just have fucked up dreams and broken sleep but whatever!

I’ve known bestie for 10 months ish now? Not long at all, but long enough for me to know the universe bought her to me for a reason. Now my eyes are filling and hers probs will tomorrow when she reads this round the pool!
I have SO many incredible friends and family, I am so so God damn grateful for every single one of you. Please don’t be offended by this because I’m certain your time on the blog will come soon!

I met bestie when I trained her in lashes (see lashing really is the best life) and she was one of those people where instantly you think, yeh this is my kind of person, this is a bit of me!! We got on so well so quick, she was also an exceptionally quick learner and is actually incredibly talented in lashing.
Bestie is also a police officer and a damn good one at that. When she told me I was like shit man you are so cool!!!

You know when perp had the kids before we came to refuge (took them from the garden) he actually tried to tell them she wasn’t a real police officer, she was lying 😂😂😂 why would you even say that? He’s so fucking fucked up it’s untrue.

Anyways we became quite close quite quick, as close as I could be to anyone back then. And of course, perp didn’t approve, he didn’t trust her. But I was used to him not liking my friends so I never said too much, I kept my closest as safe as possible, or as distant as possible sometimes as I’ve spoken about before.
I remember her telling me she had previously worked in the domestic abuse department, I was a little shocked because I didn’t know then such departments existed. I thought well this is odd, again kept that to myself. In some strange way it gave me comfort, although at this point I had no real idea of the extent of the abuse I was living through I knew that it wasn’t normal. I felt a little safer with bestie around.

Just before Christmas I lashed her for the first time, I spent about 3 hours on them and we talked every single minute of it and you know what? To this day still the best set I ever created, that is how comfortable and relaxed I am around her even with that prick in the house, I felt safe.

One time she told me about a lie detection course she had been on and I remember asking her so many questions, I wanted to test them out on perp!

She came to one of my workshop’s as a friend in early Feb and this is prob when I really opened up a little about perp to her. This was the time I had really began to try to leave him, I’m pretty sure it was that night I then left for several days as it was horrific when I got home. I didn’t tell her many details, but she now says she had pretty much guessed what was happening after that conversation.

The day after I left I told her pretty much everything, it was such a relief. She says she remembers in particular that I would stop messaging her back in the evenings (other people have said this too) and she did wonder if it was because of him.

Ever since she has been there for me no matter what every single day. One of the most caring, thoughtful people I have ever met.

When I was still in the house it was very uncomfortable for those that came to see me, and she was one of those that did it anyways no matter what. Even when she had perp scowling at her, taking pictures & videos of her and hurling abuse at her.

” You better not be sleeping in my fucking bed”

Honestly, all I’m commenting on that is you sad fucking prick.

Ps I hope your enjoying your bed with its beer stained mattress, and your cars, and your TVs, fridge, cooker, washing machine, tumble dryer and everthing else you insisted on having and taking from your children 🖕 Don’t worry, I can afford new ones with my 3k a week wage…😂😂

Continued on part 2…

Most of the time I felt like I had a split personality, there was always 2 voices battling each other in my head. I never really understood it and I never knew who to believe.

In the midst of an attack it would to something like…

“Go upstairs, apologise and you’ll be ok, you can explain this you can fix it and perhaps you won’t be hurt too badly tonight, perhaps he won’t break much tonight or perhaps you won’t be thrown out tonight”

But then there was this other voice screaming back…

“No, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is all fucking wrong!! It wasn’t your fault, it’s never your fault you need to just LEAVE NOW you do not deserve this!”

I would spend so long battling the thoughts that my body would just freeze, I literally couldn’t move. I was just frozen.

That voice was his control.

Most of the time I would choose his voice in the end but the longer I left it the worse the outcome was even if I surrendered, I would do what he wanted but then be left with the silent treatment for days.

Towards the end particularly the last 9 months his voice started to become quieter and mine louder. That little strong soul in me was fighting back. I knew I was going to leave him I just didn’t know when. I would rarely back down from him at this point no matter what he did, my voice just wouldn’t allow it. I was fighting myself, it was so confusing. Literally every night I went to sleep dreaming of being away from him, I fucking hated him. I hated everything about him.

The power another human being can have over you is incredibly scary. Now I’ve always thought I was pretty strong minded, although I had been bullied most of my childhood my mind stayed strong. I never gave in to any peer pressure, if I decided no it was a no. Even with boyfriends as a teenager I was pretty damn sure of myself! I remember this one boy, I was completely besotted with him, perhaps you could call it love I’m not too sure, anyways we were together and he tried to embarrass me by flirting with another girl making sure it got back to me.

Mate, I wasn’t fucking having any of it! As soon as I found out I went straight over to him at school infront of all his pals, mugged him fucking right off and dumped him on the spot. Ok so I cried my heart out for like 2 weeks after but I didn’t let him see that, all he saw was my tough side showing him I weren’t gona take his shit no matter my feelings. I’m still fucking proud of myself for that, high five to me 🙌😂

I didn’t really believe I could be controlled and to be honest until I left him I still didn’t think I was controlled. It’s taken quite a while to accept that and even now it’s hard to accept! Really, I’m a tough cookie. I’m fairly straight up, pretty honest and I’m not afraid to express my opinion, I’m sure the lash world would agree with that one 😂

So how did he have such a strong control over me?

I honestly don’t know but clearly he did.

Fucking pisses me right off actually.

The thing is, it happens so, so slowly you just have no idea it’s happening. Subconsciously I think I was always fighting it but my little voice was just too quiet.

Towards the end it got louder and louder, it was so difficult to ignore.

Often after hours and hours of what I can only describe as verbal psychological torture, I would end up just completely loosing the plot and hitting myself in the head repeatedly before collapsing into a heap crying uncontrollably.

He would tell me I was crazy, say I’ve absolutely lost the fucking plot, it was me who needed help.

It is these moments that haunt me more than anything else. At that moment in time I genuinely wanted to die. I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to be strong anymore and it was these times that I felt so fucking alone. I felt like noone could ever save me and all I ever wanted was those voices to stop.

That’s kind of how I feel now except his voice has gone. It’s just my own thoughts that consume my brain now.

I can’t actually remember his voice anymore, it’s bloody magical.

I dialled 999 on my phone several times over the years but could never press that button.

I got in my car so many times but never drove anywhere.

I stayed at peoples houses for days but still went back.

There are so many tactics used to form that control and for me it started very early on. Often people don’t believe they are in an abusive relationship because they feel like the first few months or even years were “normal”, this is the trick!!! Get you reeled in and before you know it your hooked.

Sometimes the abuse begins when you have children, because then you are more dependant and more likely to stay. One of the questions of the DASH risk assessment is “Are you pregnant or have you had a baby in the last 12 months” because of this reason. Mine began way before the kids unfortunately, so let’s take a trip back…

We actually met when I was 13, saw each other in the local park. He was friends with my sisters late partner and was 4 years older than me. We didn’t really speak though until I was 15. First time we spent time together was in the pub on my sisters birthday, he had to be careful though my sisters bf wasn’t having none of it, god bless you Sam! He was a real charmer, telling me his girlfriends hadn’t treated him well and that he just wanted someone he could settle down with, told me I was beautiful, the usual shit. He then got hold of my number a few months later and we started to text. During this time Sam had unfortunately passed away, I do sometimes wonder if he had been around if we would of gotten together or not but I guess I’ll never know.

I would sometimes see him out and about too whilst I would be roaming the streets like a fucking hoodlum 🤣

It’s interesting they say perpetrators or narcissists pick strong targets, I was a pretty good looking young girl, again very confident, very sure of myself and I got alot of attention from boys. I’m not bigging myself up here it really is true 😂🤷‍♀️ You’d think they would pick weak targets, but the thing is they want to take everything from you, everything that they don’t have. They ain’t gona go from someone with nothing about them are they? Told ya they are clever fucks.

The next time we proper saw each other was at a party, he was off his nut and we kissed in the toilet, should of known then really. Hardly a charming first date 🤣🤦‍♀️

From then onwards we were inseparable, for a few weeks we hid it from the world. I was only 15 and my family wouldn’t be happy, my sister actually went off her fucking nut when she found out but at that age you tend to do what everyone tells you not to!

I was obviously still at school, my final year and within maybe 2 or 3 months I had begun to change. I had alot of male friends, who I told perp about of course because again I’m a very honest person. He instantly disliked them, he said they secretly fancied me and just wanted to shag me. He didn’t seem to ever understand that people of opposite sexes can be friends without fucking. I did confide in 2 of these friends for a little while but I quite quickly got the impression they didn’t agree with me being him and so I guess that is where the isolation began. It honestly makes me so sad, they were 2 of my closest friends and I genuinely think we would still be friends now. I wonder if they will ever read this? If you do I’m legit sending you the biggest hug and I hope that life is treating you well!!!

We got together in late January and May was prom. Long before we were together I had organised to go with one of my other boy mates as friends, ah man he was the biggest (or smallest 😂) sweetheart. Perp somehow got hold of his number and warned him off, I tried to tell him he had nothing to be worried about but he wasn’t having it, and so I lost another friend. The arguments had already started long before this and about a week before my prom I actually broke my hand punching a door because I was so angry at him. Yes it was a very stupid move I’m well aware of that 😂

It was most likely the lead up to prom that did it. I felt so fucking anxious going, and rightly so because the cunt only fucking turned up didn’t he? Checking up on me. I was SO embarrassed and upset it was unreal. We had only been together about 4 months.

You can see just how quickly he was jealous & possessive of me. For anyone reading this this is what we call a RED FUCKING FLAG. But at 15 years old how was I supposed to know this? I didn’t really know what a healthy relationship was, I mistook his jealousy for love.

Oh he loves me, oh he cares for me.

Yes I am eye rolling at my younger self right now.

The isolation had began, and so came the stripping of my confidence. He would cause arguments over nothing then tell me it was because I didn’t make as much effort in the relationship as him. I didn’t try hard enough. From very early on he pretty much told me I was boring in bed too, now that is guaranteed way to kill someones confidence instantly. I think that has had a huge impact on me as a woman. It’s pretty damm sad really. See I told you I was honest! Fuck me 🤦‍♀️😂

These little digs here and there were just chip chip chipping away at my self confidence and self worth. I was always on edge wondering how best I could make him happy, what else could I do what else could I try to make him see I’m the girl for him? How else could I show my love and devotion to him? He consumed my mind every second of the day, and that was just what he wanted.

I remember one of the first times I really saw his anger, I think it must of been 4 or 5 months in maybe sooner. We were in the car just driving about as we normally did. A row kicked off for whatever reason and he got on the motorway and started to drive so fast. He told me he was going to drive far away and leave me there. He was screaming and shouting, he then started punching the steering wheel so hard it literally broke in half. (It was a wooden one don’t ask me why) Doing 100 odd on a motorway with an absolute nutcase driving with half a steering wheel in his hand. Insanity!!!

He didn’t leave me there he took me home and I still remember jumping out of the car and sprinting towards my house completely and utterly hysterical. I don’t remember what I told my mum, I had already began to lie for him.

The first physical incident was about 6 or 7 months in, we went on a night out with his friends to a boxing show. By the time I was already uncomfortable drinking around him so I was fairly sober. God he was just so fucking awful drunk, he was literally so embarrassing. I had been pretty quiet all night, I didn’t like drawing attention to myself. We got off the coach at the end of the night and started walking home. All of a sudden he was really angry at me, he said I had ignored him all evening and had been staring at other guys. I’m like wtf? As always I tried to defend myself and reassure him that that wasn’t the case but he didn’t care. He got right in my face and was screaming at me, I put my hand on his chin to push it away and he clamped down onto my thumb. I literally remember the evil look in his eyes, he stared at me with that evil stare while he sunk his teeth down into my thumb.

That proper shocked me, I knew he got angry but I didn’t think he would hurt me. Of course the next day he was full of apologies, crying telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was he had been so drunk. And I fell for it, it was too late by that point he had already got me.

And so that is how our 12 year relationship began, his control would become stronger and develop deeper over the coming years.

Today’s song for every blog reminds me of those very lonely moments, it’s also an absolute tune!

Natalie Imbruglia – Torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel,

I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor,

Illusion never changed into something real,

I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,

Your a little late,

I’m already torn

Until next time,

B xxx

Well today’s been emosh.

I don’t even know why, this is what I was like before anti-depressants. I either take them and live life on the edge of a panic attack or not take them and cry over fuck all multiple times a day like an absolute fucking nut job 🤦‍♀️

I haven’t been sleeping well either, just constantly waking up restless, tossing and turning but for now I refuse to pop those pills!!

I have serious mum guilt too, it’s eating me up alive. Literally can’t even deal with myself and my emotions most of the time I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with two small humans too.

Most of the time I feel like I’m not mentally there with them, yes physically I am (obvs, I mean we live in one room together and they are permanently by my side I have no choice 😂) Every day I am battling so so many demons inside my head it’s hard to concentrate on anything. And it’s been this way for years, all I could ever focus on before was him, now all I ever focus on is what he’s done to us. It’s such a painful process.

I guess when you think of it as i’m trying to process 12 whole years of shit, and it’s only been 6 months it’s not a long time at all. I’m just very impatient I want to be fixed and all brand new right now.

The other week I was smiling and my girl said,

” I feel like I don’t recognise that smile, you never smile anymore”

Even the boy agreed 😭

She always says mummy your nearly always sad. Which is mostly true I guess, I try to hide it but sometimes I can’t. She found me crying the other day and she just sat with me, it made me cry more she’s such a fucking sweetheart I swear I would be lost without her, my little rock, my little bestie.

She used to draw me pictures when he was horrible to make me feel better, sometimes she would try to tell him not to argue with me too. She keeps me going and always has done.

My boy keeps me going in a different way. He shows me why it’s so important to carry on, and how important it was to take him away from that negative environment, he’s been through so much it hurts my soul man. I feel more guilt with him, when I had him my depression hit hard. I’ve always felt like it affected him and I’ll probably never forgive myself for it. He’s had a rough old time these last couple of years, my princess has too but being that bit younger she obviously hasn’t seen as much and doesn’t understand as much.

I so think gender plays a part too, although he actually always was a mummy’s boy he of course took influence from the male in his life. He was told that men should be physically strong, have muscles and 6 packs. From this he is now incredibly self conscious, he does not take his top off infront of people and if he does he holds his stomach in. They were both always told about unhealthy food too, now of course that’s important!! However, telling them constantly they will get fat if they eat this or that is not a healthy way to encourage good eating. He picked up on words perp said about our daughters weight and regularly comments on it. He dramatically cut down on his food, at one stage he refused chocolate or sweets when I offered him a treat. He has started eating more the last month or 2 though so we are already seeing change! He also believes he has to be tough. The other week he had a meltdown and I could tell something was up, when I finally got it out of him he said someone at school was being mean. I asked him why he hadn’t told me, he said

” I thought you would think I was a wimp”

” Why on earth would I think that?”

” Because I didn’t hit him”

Now I am all for self defence, I have said that if someone physically hurts you whether they are a boy or a girl you absolutely have the right to defend yourself, however if you choose to walk away that is also ok too.

He often tells me he hates himself, that he’s no good at anything or he doesn’t deserve to be alive. He has held knives against his own chest before after trashing the house in a rage because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to live. He constantly fights his dads views and his own. He knows what is right and wrong but isn’t able to understand why he acted the way he did if it was wrong. When when angry he says to me,

“Well you let daddy hurt you, you let daddy shout at you and be rude to you”

HOW do you explain an abusive and controlling relationship to a child? How do you explain that you didn’t allow it to happen you just didnt have a choice.

A week or so after I left him we were driving in the car and my girl asked me a question…

” Who called the police on daddy mummy?”

” I did sweetheart”

” But why?”

” Because daddy hurt mummy”

” But mummy, daddy always hurt you”

Heart fucking broken into pieces mate.

It was then that I realised the severity of the effect our relationship had on my children. They had grown up believing that it was normal. That conversation in itself is enough for me to know that I made the best and most important decision of my children’s lifes and that was leaving their Dad.

Both of them now understand how his behaviour was wrong and unacceptable but they just struggle understand why it happened for so long. Yes it was right for me to leave him but why now?

It’s not answer that I can give them, perhaps when they are older I can explain, as best as you can answer that anyways.

All I say to them was that mummy wasn’t strong enough before but now she is.

They have both seen and heard things no child ever should, before I would feel guilty for that but I’ve now let go of that guilt and put the blame firmly on perp.

No matter whether I stayed or didn’t stay I did not subject my children to that shit, period.

I do talk to them about it alot, to be honest I didn’t have much choice! For the first few weeks of leaving him I allowed them contact. But very quickly I realised it was never going to work.

He told them that I was trying to put him in prison, that I was mean and that I lied. He told them that soon we would be back together as a family and he would come home. He would send gifts for me back with them, making himself look kind of course. He would ask them to tell me things or when they would facetime he would try to force them to put the camera on me knowing full well he wasn’t to have any contact with me OR use the children as a third party.

One time my girl was trying to talk to him and all he did was tell her to put the camera on mummy, tell mummy to talk to me. All she wanted to do was speak with her daddy but he wasn’t fucking interested in her only me. Made my fucking blood boil. He never ever deserved my babies not for one single second. All he wanted was to control them just as he did me.

Let me tell you now, NO CUNT will ever mistreat or use or control my children ever ever ever ever again.

NOONE.

I don’t give a fuck, parental fucking rights or not. Parental rights can kiss my motherfucking arsehole.

Children do not need 2 parents, all they need is 1 good one and I’ll be that 1 good one and more. I may not be perfect but I will do my best to provide them with love, kindness, empathy, understanding, patience and stability. In the hope thar I can repair the damage that has been done and they grow up to be good people and one day have healthy relationships of their own.

I read something today that said…

“Children do not care if they come from a broken home, only if they live in a broken home”

Until the law tells me otherwise I will keep it no contact.

I do feel sad that they don’t have the typical family unit but god damn I tried.

I never wanted to be that woman that stopped her children seeing their dad but I now know that I cannot change him, I cannot force him to love and provide for his children the way he should.

Whether or not he was physically abusive to them doesn’t matter to me, he subjected them to viewing it. And that is abuse of your own children.

One day they may read these blogs, if they wish too I will allow it. I will never bad mouth their dad intentionally but I will also never lie to them.

They will know the truth and my biggest wish is for them to be proud of me and the decisions I made.

I want them to say..

” You know what? My mum is the strongest woman, she protected us and cared for us and loved us even when she felt she couldn’t go on anymore and she walked away from evil no matter the cost”

I stand by every decision I have made so far, I have broken that cycle.

I hope I make them so fucking proud.

Today’s song for every blog is a little depressing, it came on and I just burst so here it is…

Anne Marie – Peak

Did I breath, did I

Did I sleep did I eat did I cheat,

Did i,

Did I do something wrong?

Did I hit the peak did I?

Did I feel, did I steal no I didn’t do anything but love

Until next time,

B xxx

So this one is a little bit random, I definitely feel like once my thoughts are in this blog they are out of my mind so I’m gona try get out some of the most painful memories that I have. 

The first one is pretty bad, probably one of the worst physical attacks I had and one that will absolutely haunt me forever. I don’t think I’ve told a soul this story apart from police officers in my statements. It’s a shame that we couldn’t prosecute for this incident as it was the only one I had hospital records for evidence but unfortunately after 6 months it is classed as historical abuse. There is a campaign to change this law but who knows what the future will hold!

We are going to go back roughly 8.5 years ago, my boy was around 7 or 8 months old. I had post-natal depression and struggled alot after having him, being just 19 with a baby and living through abuse hit me hard, not surprisingly really! I had never left him overnight before so this was a huge deal, I didn’t like leaving him!
We were living in a flat at the time and had arranged a night out whilst my in laws looked after the boy.

I didn’t often drink, still don’t now to be honest. I think by this point I was extremely wary of how his behaviour was when drunk that I liked to be in control, this night would unfortunately enforce this even more and I think after I went possibly a good few years before ever touching another drop.

We went for a meal first, though he didn’t actually eat coz he was also on the gear 🤦‍♀️ basically then we just went to a bar and got absolutely fucking hammered. Once we had had enough we went home, and this was quite possibly the drunkest I had ever been in my whole entire life it was horrendous.
I remember being on our bean bag in the living room, I was so spannered I genuinely couldn’t even talk. Motor mouth was rabbiting on as per usual, I tried to talk back but the room was just spinning.
He started to get really irate with me for not talking back, I tried to explain I was just too drunk but he didn’t care he didn’t want to listen. Just said I clearly didn’t love him or want to be with him.
He was a proper hoarder of shit and in the living room we had a huge pile of car stereos, not just the front face part but the whole inner bit too. Not sure if you’ve held one of those but they are actually very heavy, its just pure metal.

The next thing I knew he was picking it up and launching it at me, how the fuck I managed to get my arm up to shield my face in that state I don’t know! It hit my right arm, I can’t explain the pain of it. 
Then he’s on me, he grabbed me and just started throwing me around. He dragged me into the bedroom and all I remember is literally just being launched around the room.
He got me onto the bed he was pinning me down by my arms and my throat whilst I was trying to fight him off me. I imagine he was kneeling on my legs as I’m quite handy with those and I don’t remember being able to kick.
He was screaming in my face, literally foaming at the mouth. I managed to get my left arm up to try protect my face and that’s when he bit me. It felt like slow motion, I remember feeling and seeing his teeth just sinking harder and harder into the back of my arm and he held onto it for what seemed like minutes. When he released it there was blood, he had broken the skin.
I moved my arm down and then he went for me again and bit down onto my boob. This wasn’t so hard I guess it was less fleshy than my arm but I still had teeth marks for a few days.

I think he left me alone after that, I remember running to the toilet to be sick. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or the whole attack that made me sick or both.
I don’t remember much after that.
When I woke up in the morning my right arm was fucking massive, it looked bowed almost?! I genuinely thought he had broken my arm the pain was unbearable. I went to hospital that day, the only time I saw anyone for injuries from him. Of course he came with me, I lied and said I fell over whilst drunk. Luckily it wasn’t broken.
My left arm was actually horrific, from my shoulder to my elbow was black literally fucking black. I hid my whole arm for weeks. 
I always had to hide bruises, I was petrified of anyone seeing them. My family did sometimes question them but obviously I lied. I always lied to protect him, I was completely under his spell of control.

The next one is just before our honeymoon which I’ve touched on before. This hurts me bad, 1 because it was 2 days before our honeymoon and 2 because it was the first time he full on punched me. Not that only punching is bad because the other shit is fucking hideous, even a small push is not acceptable at any fucking point, it was just more the shock I think!

So he posted a photo of me on HIS Facebook, note I said HIS not mine. Some guy on his Facebook then decides to “love” this photo of just me, there were other photos of us both but he choose just the one of me. 

And who was to blame for that?
Me. 

I literally had never ever even heard this mans name before let alone know him. But apparently, I was giving off a vibe to men that I wasn’t happy and that I wanted to leave him.

First of all, I never fucking went anywhere apart from Aldi and the school run. And whenever I did go anywhere I walked with my head down I didn’t speak to people, I had learnt a long time ago to watch my behaviour out and about because it would always get me in trouble. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone!! (This is one of the biggest changes I’ve seen in myself since leaving btw, it’s still really difficult for me but I try to keep my head up and look at people)

He literally went off his fucking nut. I can’t quite remember what happend within the house but there was definitely some shit launched my way and some scuffling because I had bruises all over my legs, particularly my left thigh it was black until long after we got back from a 10 day holiday.

I ran out into the garden to get away from him and was standing on the patio, he came towards me and punched me straight in the chest. That punch literally put me on the floor.
For those that don’t know me I’m literally a midget, prob 5ft 2ish and would’ve weighed around 7 and a half stone. I’m a tiny woman.
He is roughly 5 ft 11 and probs 12 stone.
I’m surprised he didn’t break something.
It took me a minute or 2 to get up the wind was knocked straight out of me.
When I got up I ran round the side of the house to the doorway of my shed, he followed me round and had me by the throat, he launched me back and I cracked my head on the edge of the doorway.

All this because someone liked a photo on Facebook.

I don’t remember what happened after that but I do remember him telling me about this guy. Do you know the worst part?
He told me how this guy was evil and had been in prison for previously beating his girlfriend. 

Did he honestly, genuinely believe that I would risk cheating on my husband who was physically fucking abusive to me with another guy who was also physically fucking abusive to women. 

FUCKING WRONG IN THE HEAD MATE.
It literally sickens me to the core. 

Don’t ask me why I then went on honeymoon, I can’t answer it. Just like I can’t answer why I stayed for so long, I just did.

The next one is the honeymoon.
Well he was a prick on the wedding night so I couldn’t really expect anything better on the honeymoon could I?
Already I went on the honeymoon with a very sore chest and back, a lump on my head and arms and legs covered in bruises. 
The first few days were actually ok, remorse stage of course. He didn’t drink much so that also helped.
Also I don’t want anyone to believe that his abuse stemmed from alcohol or drugs, many attacks both physical and verbal happened sober. It’s just that alcohol and drugs increased the severity of it.
He was obviously on best behaviour after the last one but after a few days he must’ve got bored. Like most alcoholics he had a drink of choice, Desperado’s. Couple days in he must of been gagging for one because we literally drove miles to find a shop that had them 🤦‍♀️ That’s when he started to turn again.
We had a few brief arguments, mostly over how much he was drinking but nothing too major. I swallowed so much, I kept so much in determined not to let it get bad. I just wanted to have a nice time, I was also scared of course of being in a foreign country alone with him.
He stormed out a few times, would always come back with more drink and chill out again.
We got through the majority of it ok.
The last day we had a long old wait til our flight and check out of the villa was really early. We pretty much sat on the beach all day.
Everything seemed fine until suddenly he snapped.

“Get the fuck away from me you fucking slag”
“What? Wtf? What are you on about?” 
” You fucking looking at that dude over there making eye contact, looking him up and down while I’m sat here like a fucking mug”
” Who? What the fuck are you on about? I don’t even know who you are talking about?”
” Checking each other out are ya? I can fucking see it, you fucking tramp get away from me”
I then was naturally in tears pleading with him that I hadn’t been looking at anyone, I begged him and I promised him I that hadn’t. 
” Oh now your gona try make me look the cunt with your fucking water works your so dramatic always wanting a fucking scene to get a bit of attention. Oh hey look at me I’m so unhappy with my husband”
At this point he had already moved his sunbed away from me, thrown his wedding ring at me and begun packing his shit to walk off yet I was being dramatic?
I was in fucking shock, he went from 0-100 rage in about 2 fucking minutes!!

Btw, he often threw his ring at me. I took pictures today of it (yes if you ever read this of course I have it I paid for it cunty) to sell it and it has a fucking dent in it from being thrown!

He stormed off while I was scrambling to get my stuff together to follow him, trying to hold the tears in whilst the whole beach stared.

I was heart broken.
I’m not even sure how I had any heart left to break but I did.
I had been the perfect wife on this holiday and that’s what I got for it? Not only had he ruined my wedding he ruined my honeymoon.

He needed me to remember who was the boss, who was in control.

After a while he calmed down, he had shown me what was what and that’s all it took to get me to back down. Like animals do, I can’t think of the word but you’ll know what I mean.

Submissive! I was submissive.

It was just another day in my life I guess. Pretty shit innit? 

So yeh that’s some painful shit out, hopefully I may be able to move on from those now.

Now comes a song for each blog.
Yes, I decided earlier each blog needs a song!!
This one is because it came on earlier and it made me feel good. Made me proper smile so yeh.

Also, if you are reading these uou know you can subscribe to get emails when I’ve added more. If your not fucking bored of reading my depressing bullshit yet anyways 🤣 just go to the bottom of the whole main page!

Kelly Clarkson-

Since you’ve been gone,
I can breathe for the first time,
I’m so moving on,
Yeah yeah!
Thanks to you,
Now I get, what I want,
Since you’ve been gone.
Until next time,
B xxx

The last 3 years is when my business really took off and I absolutely believe that the abuse got worse the more successful I became.
I had a focus, I had drive and my attention was no longer on him. I was SO passionate about my career and to him it was a threat. 

Both children were now in full time school and I worked 9-3 every day, a couple of evenings and a slightly longer day once a week. I had a full client base, the most loyal clients that had mostly been with me since day 1! (If any of you are reading please know how much I miss you!) On average I would have 4 students a week, my diary was fully booked 3-4 months in advance. 

Anyone who runs their own business knows how much time it takes, not just physical lashing but everything behind the scenes. I had written my own training courses, there was always stuff to do! Updating the manuals, printing my manuals, ordering kits, making kits, answering case studies, answering enquiries, booking people in oh the list goes on and on! 
Social media literally made my business and again is something that took up alot of my time. I spent every second I could building my business and my reputation. Apart from my children it was the only good thing I had in my life.
When I was lashing or teaching it was the only time I felt I could relax and be myself. Of course I was never 100% either of those things but it was the closest I ever got.
And so all of my efforts went into it. 

I’m slightly ashamed to say I definitely at times put my business before my children. When you have such severe anxiety you can become completely obsessed with certain things and that thing for me was lashing. On those days when I felt I couldn’t fight anymore I pushed myself further with my business and it always lifted me up.
It was the only time I didn’t think about him.

Alot of the time I would work minutes after arguments and physical attacks, I have become a complete master of the brave face. Most of the time I made sure I only worked while the kids were at school, I never wanted to rely on him because it would only ever be thrown back in my face. A common phrase was

“The only reason you stay with me is so I babysit for you”

It’s not fucking babysitting when it’s your own kids 🙄

 
If I was working the evening he would often leave the house literally 5 minutes before my clients were due to arrive. I would be in such a panic about the kids, sometimes I cancelled but in the end I learned he would always come back after like 20 minutes (usually with a bag full of beers) so I just got on with it.
I dreaded hearing his van pull in the street, the sheer noise of it used to send my heart rate up.
Sometimes we would have an argument in the morning and he would come home during the day whilst I was working and glare at me through the window whilst lashing, that or he would be blowing my phone up all day. Call after call, text after text.
How I actually made it through each day I really just don’t know! 

I loved working the evenings although I would be completely exhausted. I never knew what I would be walking back into, especially an evening coz I knew he would be drunk. He would often start the minute I walked in the back door.

In 2018 I took on a team of ladies to educate under my brand name, I also had opened an online shop so always had stock to organise and kits to make!
It was all piled in the living room and during one arguement he literally went for the lot. He picked up the storage bags and emptied them out, threw the boxes round the room. Literally went fucking savage, it was everywere!! 
And the worst part? He then went for my dumont tweezers.
For those not in the lash industry these tweezers are incredibly sought after and very very expensive. 

You know what he did? 

He tipped them all out onto my hallway floor and jumped up and down on them.
Yes, lash sisters HE JUMPED UP AND DOWN ON MY FUCKING DUMONT TWEEZERS.
Luckily I think only 6 pairs were fucked, that was still almost £400 quids worth.

FUCKING CUNT.

He didn’t like the idea of others working for me, told me they would fuck me over. Only one did 😂 To be honest he hated all of my family & all of my friends and they usually do! They try to turn you against everyone you know in a bid to isolate you so the only single person you trust is them! 

Last year I was asked to speak at a conference (dream come true!!) It started fairly early in the morning and one of my lash sisters offered for me to stay with her in her hotel room where it was taking place. This very nearly didn’t happen, of course he didn’t want me staying away for the night, I’m that much of a slapper I clearly couldn’t be trusted 🤦‍♀️🤣
Still to this day he tells people I shagged someone that night so let’s see how that started!
There aren’t many guys in our industry it is predominantly female! This one guy everyone knows (again i don’t like using names here but i did ask permission, hi if your reading!) He was attending and we had been chatting about it just like normal friends/work colleagues would, one day I had my phone in my hand and his name flashed up as the message came though.
Perp obv asked who the fuck it was, so of course I said oh that’s so and so we were just chatting about the conference, you can look at the messages if you want.
Instantly he took my phone, 2 minutes later hes literally going off his fucking nut.

“Who the fuck is this cunt, your a fucking slag! Talking about drinks and dinner at the hotel, just you 2 yeh? Planning on shagging him are ya? Oh that’s why your staying the night then! Fucking dirty tramp”

He then begins messaging him off my account, I hadn’t actually been able to bring myself to look at the messages sent until today, here’s the screenshot…


He then proceeded to find his wife on Facebook (I still to this day don’t even have her on Facebook) and tell her 🙈 
I have never ever been so embarrassed in my whole life, I genuinely thought this is it my career is over. I couldn’t fucking breathe, the poor guy had done absolutely NOTHING WRONG, and his wife was heavily pregnant, I’m like imagine she actually thinks something is going on?! Anyone normal reading the messages between us would see there was nothing in it, if it had been a woman he would of seen it as normal lash chat. But because it was a man that instantly meant I was trying to shag him.
Again, even in the form of text messages I was undeniably 100% faithful our entire relationship, I am not that sort of person and I also didn’t have a death wish. 

I said to him, 

“What kind of person do you actually think I am? A married woman messaging a married man who has a wife that is heavily pregnant? Do I not have self respect & morals?”
You know he actually got my kids involved too.
He told them,

“Mummy has a new boyfriend, she doesn’t love daddy anymore she doesn’t care about us now”

That fucking hurt, he may of thought I was a unfaithful slag but telling that to MY CHILDREN??? 1st class prick.

I used to think, jesus if you really thought I was that easy and that much of a hoe why the fuck did you have 2 kids with me and marry me? Fucking mug.

Luckily, said man & his wife are genuinely good people and didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t apologise enough I felt so fucking awful.
I saw him a few months ago when he attended one of my trainings, the photo of us was posted on perps fb not that long ago after he received divorce papers. (He has been blocked from my insta account for a long time but his new bird & friends were stalking it hence I’ve has to stop using that account)
He literally wrote,
“Put that in your divorce papers”

Well, no actually I won’t.

1 Because we werent together then.
2 Because I haven’t actually shagged the guy.
3 YOUR THE ONE WITH A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND ALREADY YOU ABSOLUTE MORON. Maybe I should add that in there? 
He’s kept her very quiet actually, doesn’t realise I’ve known for months and that I also know who she is. It’s because he doesn’t want to the world to think he’s the one that’s moved on after 5 minutes. He tried it whilst visiting my mum, oh but I still love bryony I miss her, my wife. My mums reply was oh I thought you had a new girlfriend? Apparently his face went white whilst denying it 😂 
Again I genuinely don’t care, that love was gone a very very long time ago, my deepest condolences go to her. 

And PS I am absolutely not your fucking wife, you never ever deserved me as a wife and never will!
Needless to say he didn’t enjoy receiving those papers, he still hasn’t signed it but he clearly doesn’t realise it will go ahead with him eventually, ha thick cunt!
 
One of the saddest days of my career was when I almost gave up on it all, to be honest I actually wanted to just give up life that day.
It was sometime late last year or early this year, I got up at 6am as I normally did and within about 10 minutes the cunt had started (I don’t remember what over just the usual bullshit) I actually got moaned at for getting up early on a weekday.

“Weekdays you get up so early to do your stupid fucking lash shit and weekends you just lay in bed like a lazy cunt not wanting to do anything with your family because you don’t care”

I mean wtf really? 

Anyways by about 6.30 he had already attacked me, taken my phone and smashed it up. You know what I did? Grabbed my keys and just left.
I drove up the road, got a coffee and went and parked up somewhere.
I sat there til about 6pm.
I had a full day of work, clients and a student but that day I gave 0 fucks and that in itself killed me. They turned up too of course and he had to send them away.
I sat there in silence all day in a daze, I didn’t actually want to live anymore, I was done just fucking done with it all.
Once again another one of my phones had gone, thousands of lash pictures and pictures of the kids GONE, again. 
Fucking sick to death of that cunt just ruining everything.

You know sometimes I would have such an amazing couple of days, I would get everything done, work would be sweet, kids happy and I would be organised!!! Then a day like above would happen and BAM I’m back to square fucking one. 
I wonder if anyone reading this noticed that I would just randomly disappear for a few days? I know several of my friends have said it to me since leaving him. That’s because those few days would be constant arguments, it was so fucking draining I don’t know how I picked myself back up.

In almost 5 years I built an incredible business and achieved alot but, there was so many things I wanted to do and so so much more I could of achieved if it wasn’t for him. 

For now my business is on hold, I can’t lash and I can’t train. IT KILLS ME.

But what I do know is it’s waiting for me and let me tell you there is noone in this whole wide world that will stop me again. I am taking 0 fucking shit from now on.

I’m gona get that salon & training academy I’ve always dreamed of, I’m gona travel around the world with trainings. I’m going to win competitions and run my own. I’m gona produce the most amazing fucking lash sets and I’m gona build my team up and we will be the number fucking 1 lash brand.

That top spot is mine for the taking and god help anyone who stands in my way.

Another quote from Ariana calls…

” Been through some bad shit I should be a sad bitch,
Who would of thought it turn me to a savage”
Ps just for a chuckle he has also claimed it was him that made me famous 😂😂😂😂😂😂 #dreamonbitch


Until next time,
B xxx

I was going to finish lash journey part 2 but I guess the whole point of this shit is to get my feelings out at the time so that’s what I’m gonna do!

I’m feeling a bit sad to be honest. It’s quite hard for me to be around couples as stupid as it sounds, it is wonderful to see that true love exists but it makes me so so sad that I didn’t get that. And yes I’m well aware of the fact I’m only 28 and I have my whole life ahead of me bla bla bla, but it still hurts 🤷‍♀️

Although I know deep down that I was good enough sometimes I just have that little thought that perhaps I wasn’t.

Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough, maybe I didn’t dress nice enough or take care of myself and make an effort when I should of. Maybe I did work too much, maybe I didn’t do enough round the house or maybe I wasn’t good enough in bed.

Did I not deserve to be loved? Did I not deserve for someone to actually care about me? Like proper care not just the fake arse fucking bullshit. Did I not deserve to be treated with respect, physically and mentally. When I felt low why didn’t I have that loving partner to pick me up? Why did I not have someone there when I cried. If I had a bad day at work, or with the kids or maybe I just felt low when I was due on my period, why didn’t I have someone just to put their arms round me and be there? Someone to tell me it would be ok.

Just someone to listen, someone that didn’t judge.

When I gave birth to 2 babies why didn’t I have someone to be proud of me and to help me. You know how fucking hard that shit is? Do you know what it’s like to have the baby blues (crazy ass rush of hormones a few days after given birth while your body tries to figure out what the fuck just went on) and have to try and hide it because of being made to feel like it’s something else.

Why didn’t I get that 1 person that I could talk to? Like literally talk to about anything. Anything at all in the world without being judged or having to watch what I say. That 1 person that I could talk to about my deepest shit.

Maybe I really just didn’t deserve it, maybe I’m not worthy of that.

To be honest my looks were never overly commented negatively about, maybe something to be grateful of I suppose. But you know what? I actually didn’t want and don’t want someone to just be physically attracted to me. I just wanted that one person to love me for other things. Like being funny or clever or thoughtful, not that I am those things but do you know what I mean? Something that makes me ME.

But I don’t think he ever looked for that coz quite frankly he didn’t really give a fuck did he?

I literally build such an amazing business from nothing, I went from having fuck all on benefits to being able to support a family of 4 (plus pets) pretty much single handedly in just a few years. And we didn’t have a bad life!

Why didn’t I have someone to be proud of me?

Yeh he said he was but it was all for show, again fake bullshit.

I know that I don’t need all this, nobody needs a partner or a husband or a wife whatever. But I did want it and I do want it.

It hurts my heart that I didn’t get that when I gave all of those things and I was always willing to.

Instead of that I’m here by myself writing a blog, how fucking sad can ya get? 🤦‍♀️ literally feel like I embarrass myself sometimes with my stupid fucking thoughts but like I’ve said before my brain thinks waaaaaaay too much.

And so here comes the random bit, music. I literally love music, have done my whole entire life. So I’m gona write some lyrics from the song that is now in my head.

Good old fucking Ariana Grande!

Needy-

Ima scream & shout for what I love, passionate but I don’t give no fucks. I admit that I’m a little messed up, but I can hide it when I’m all dressed up. I’m obsessive and I love too hard, good at overthinking with my heart. How do you even think it got this far?

You know what’s really sad?

I could never listen to what I wanted to. I would in happy in my own little bubble with my tunes on and in comes the dickhead comments

“Is that what you want to sing to me is it? What you want another man or something? Don’t want to be with me anymore then?”

I HAD TO LEGIT BE CAREFUL OF THE SONGS I PLAYED.

You absolute son of a bitch cunt.

You know I genuinely love to sing and dance, that is me in my fucking element all day long! You think I ever actually did it infront of him?

No.

And I actually married the prick? Fucking christ almighty 🤦‍♀️

In just one single blog I’ve gone from crying my heart out to raging angry 😂

I NEED TO GET A LIFE.

I also need sleep, but might finish another first.

Cringing as I publish this one.

Until next time,

B xxx

In just one week I’ve had 2200 views, that is freaking nuts!

Not that it matters, the only thing that matters is what it has done for my soul so far.

It has probably been one the best week that I have had in 6 months. I haven’t taken any medication in a week now, I thought that I needed them but this week has shown me that possibly I don’t. My chest tightness has eased, my appetite has returned and I don’t want to sleep 24 hours a day! Although my late nights are back it’s not too much issue during school holidays 🤣

My brain literally thinks SO much, at times it’s been a bit racy but actually fairly controlled. If you’ve ever lived with anxiety you’ll understand what I mean!

Had a few bad dreams with perp in it but I haven’t felt too bad waking up from them so I guess that’s progress!

When I write my feelings out I feel like they are removed from my brain, I guess not forever but it’s as if I’m processing them then clicking that publish button just kind if finalises it if that makes any sense?

I’ve had so many lovely messages of support which truly means the world. I used to be very ashamed but now I’m not, I’m just proud.

I’ve also had several messages from women who had read it and are finding courage to leave their own abusive relationships. This is truly incredible, though it shatters my heart. Particularly when it’s people I know, some I had sort of guessed anyway but to have it confirmed hits me hard. I genuinely wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I also don’t wish it on perps partner or future partners, if anything I feel incredible sorry for them and I just pray that it isn’t as bad.

No matter who you are, what stage your in know that I will be there to support you. If you need advice or help, or even to scream shout and rant I am here.

The day I can say I helped someone be free will be the biggest achievement of my life.

I feel fairly relaxed and quite hopeful, I think I’m finally beginning to look forward instead of back.

I also want to thank my friends for pushing me to do the blog, I love you all so very dearly ❤

Until next time,

B xxx

Ahh I don’t even know where to start with this one!! It might get very very long 🤣🙈

For those that don’t know me from the industry I am a Lash Artist!! And a pretty damn good one too 🤣 Without my career I would not be here right now that is for sure.

So we go back to 2014, I was just a mum to 2 young babies, 1.5 & 4. Completely depressed and riddled with anxiety with 0 self confidence. I really wanted to make some money for myself, perp did provide but we didn’t have alot and I hated asking for money. My last job was just pure fucking agg, I worked in the kitchen of a restaurant for 4.5 years and all I ever got was fucking shit for it. He always thought I flirted with the men, reality is I was just about able to say hello to people without turning bright red I was so fucking uncomfortable. He used to turn up there too, insist on picking me up or taking me to make sure I was actually going to work. Or other times he would refuse to take me until last minute so I would be panicking not knowing how I would get there, sometimes I used to just start walking.

Anyways, the idea of lash extensions was put to me, there was a place just down the road that offered courses (which was great coz it meant I wouldn’t be too far so he would be ok with it) and it was only one day and fairly cheap!

Of course he was supportive, I would be working from home with only women. What’s not to love? Never in his wildest dreams would he of imagined it would help me to leave him, or that I would be able to earn more money than he ever could. IN YOUR FACE MOTHERFUCKER.

God was it hard though, I genuinely didn’t know how to speak to people I struggled just to talk to those I knew. After a few years of abuse & 2 young children I was severely withdrawn into myself. I joined some Facebook groups for help and this is when it really became quite an obsession for me, when I lashed or when I was talking about lashing I didn’t think about him.

Anyways I started to get pretty damn good! My reputation was growing and I was getting busier. Of course I had become more active on social media and subsequently using my phone more. This he didn’t like. I’ve genuinely lost count of the number of phones he broke, possibly 8 or 9? I thought of it the other day actually, one of the kids asked if I had videos of them when they first started walking. And actually I don’t think I do, they would of been on phones that at some point had irreversible damage, I actually don’t have many pictures or videos of my babies when they were little, it breaks my heart.

I worked from my kitchen and I so desperately wanted a space of my own, so he came up with the idea of building a purpose built shed in the garden and installing CCTV to protect it. What a genius fucking idea to keep me at home under surveillance! He also likes to tell everyone he paid for it, erm no you fucking didn’t my hard earned money did thank you very much!!

And boy oh boy did he lap up the attention for building it. Oh what a wonderful partner he was! Even since I left he’s brought it up!!

For a very long time I had been in a dark place, particularly after having my boy at just 19 years old. Lashing gave me a whole new lease of life, I was actually good at something?! The more my reputation grew so did my confidence, ok maybe the confidence only came out whilst lashing but it was there and it was something!

Something that also grew was friendships, just the word makes me cry right now. I just cannot ever ever put into words how grateful I am for my friends. Through lashing I have made some of the best friends I could possibly ask for, I know they’ll be reading and probably weeping too, I just love you so much!

I didn’t really have many friends, some I had lost contact with because of him obvs and my relationships with my family had been pretty strained over the years because of him so most of the time I was very much alone.

Fuck man theres SO MUCH I could write about I keep getting sidetracked, there is no end to his cunty ways!

Back to lashes! Now I had my shed and I had also began to teach! Ahhh man, my dream fucking come true.

I remember one time we had a row and he let rip at me on Facebook, said that all I cared about was lashes I didn’t bother with him or the kids. Let me tell you, my lash girls HAD MY FUCKING BACK!!! They went in on him, it was incredible 🤣🙌 I know some of you will remember and I’m high fucking fiving you if you gave him shit 👋

That’s all he ever came out with,

“All you ever fucking do is work, all you care about is your work and your stupid fucking lash gang “

That’s one phrase in particular also that my son picked up on and used to throw at me, he doesn’t anymore but that’s only because I’m not working!

“All you care about is your work”

It hurts, it hurts because I know that I wasn’t always mentally there for my children. I zoned out of life and into the lash world to cope, if I am completely honest with you sometimes I do wonder if I would be alive without lashing. Like everything I hope one day they will understand.

I had the opportunity to travel to teach, not sure if anyone had noticed but I never travelled alone. He was always “worried” for me, driving long distances on my own. Probably coz it was “his” car. I had a license but for a long time I didn’t have a car, then when he decided to get a real fancy one he didn’t like me driving it. Even if I needed to drive it for school runs etc he would often take the keys or hide them right until the very last second I had to leave, so I would have no idea if I could even get my kids to school or not!

Anyways it always left me feeling so uncomfortable, worrying about finishing on time and whether or not I would actually get there!

Like the time we went up North, it was a good few hours journey so I booked a hotel for the night before. We got there fine everyone was in good spirits, the kids were excited for a night away! We went and picked up a dominos and were driving back to the hotel, I had the map up on his phone and we somehow took the wrong turn (even with a satnav I get lost) it wasn’t a huge deal we were literally minutes from the hotel anyways but to him it was.

“Why do I always have to fucking do everything? I’m driving all you have to do is tell me where to go but NO too fucking busy on your fucking phone as always because that’s all you care about”

I in fact had not been on my phone I tried so hard to sort it but he was getting worse, he started driving faster too like he always did. He was screaming and shouting and grabbed the phone from my hand, when he couldn’t fix the map he threw it at my head.

This wasn’t just a little throw, he threw that phone at my head so hard it instantly burst open. Within seconds I felt the blood coming down my neck, the pain was excruciating. I reached to touch it and my hand was covered in blood. I was screaming and the kids were crying and screaming in the back. Lucky my coat was black so I just tried to cover myself and use it to try to stop the bleeding.

We got back to the hotel and he refused to come in, I still vividly remember walking into the reception trying to cover my head and the blood and my face as it was puffy and my eyes were swollen. The kids were just asking where daddy was and why he wasn’t coming in, it was horrific.

Do you know how difficult it is to put on a brave face and be mum to your children when all your want to do is curl up in a ball and cry?

I fed the kids and put them to bed and got myself in the shower, I couldn’t even wash my hair properly 😭 though at least it had stopped bleeding.

The next morning I was in fucking bits, I didn’t even know if I would make it to the training. I actually started walking there because he refused to take me but he ended up picking me up in the end. I was so relieved to get there but man that was a hard fucking day.

What was even harder was then having to lie to my sisters face about it, she’s a hairdresser so of course the next time she did my hair she questioned it. The scar still remains years later.

I’m also sorry if I repeated that story its pretty horrific. Some incidents are just blurred because theres so many of them over such a long period of time but some will always be clear as day like this one, they go round and round and round in my head. I guess that is what PTSD is. I wonder if now I might be able to release it from my thoughts!

My future trainings etc I managed to get away with going on my own. I’m not sure how that level of freedom came about, he was never overly happy with it but I certainly was!

By this time I had become really quite well known. I had won a few competitions online, 2nd place in person (one of my proudest moments) I was becoming a different person, there was a strength building in me. I was by now financially supporting myself ans pretty much the whole family and he began to work less and drink more.

Although I loved my shed it was bitter sweet, in there I was safe and I was free. But everytime I left it I was filled with anxiety, particularly the evenings when I would finish lashing. I had no idea what state or mood he would be in.

In the last few months when he claimed to stop drinking he would be sober when I went out there. I would often then hear the car leave the drive and come back, and then here the clicking of bottles as he went back into the house. I would then spend the rest of my time absolutely fucking shitting myself and gearing myself to go back in the house not knowing what I would be in for tonight.

I would often wonder if I would get any sleep too because quite often I would be kept awake. I worked long old days in between school runs and looking after the house. I couldn’t ask him to help because it was always thrown back in my face at a later date.

It’s pretty ironic that after I left and did the odd client in there whilst the kids were in the house I was told I was neglecting my kids. But when I was out there working and he fucked off to the shop to buy alcohol it was fine? He threatened me with social services for that, he also told the kids via facetime he had called the police and they were on their way. That was the conversation that made me stop all contact between them. Noone in this world was going to lie to my children again no matter who the fuck they are, dad or no dad.

You know he tried to make my kids lie about it too, they would often slip up and then be worried that they had told me. He would buy them a sweet so they wouldn’t think about it, but my 2 are far too honest and clever for that shit!

I knew this would be a long one so I think I’m gona stop it here and create a part 2 (or part 3 😂🤦‍♀️) I’m bloody exhausted now!

If you are a fellow lash artist reading this I SALUTE YOU!

When I say lashing changed my life I truly mean it, it saved me.

Until next time,

B xxx

Honestly before we came here I had this idea in my head that a refuge would be fucking horrific! I think I compared it to a hostel and hostels can be pretty skanky!

If you had told me this time last year I would flee my home to a womens refuge with my 2 kids I’d be like, naaaa no fucking way mate 😂

I had a 3 bedroom house, good size nice driveway and a purpose built salon room in the garden to work from. There was just 1 rather large issue, it was semi-detached to perps parents and subsequently him. Yes I was living next door to him. A judge, who would of been armed with multiple statements detailing 12 years of abuse, convicted a man and then allowed him to live next door to said victim.

I actually just chuckled a little, it’s just UNBELIEVABLE. Sometimes the authorities wonder why so many victims of domestic abuse don’t come forward and quite frankly it’s coz of shit like that. WHO in their right mind thinks that’s ok? Within half an hour of him being released from court he was outside my house, the latest stalking charge actually goes back to then and quite frankly they allowed it to happen.

Anyways you can imagine I didn’t last long, of course I was in the process of trying to be moved but the single only option I was given by local authorities was refuge. Yeh I was still working at the time but I was significantly struggling to get through a working day because of my mental state meaning I kept cancelling, plus now being a single mum supporting 2 children and a house. I couldn’t afford to private rent!

Though maybe if I did earn 3k a week as perp says I do maybe I could?

MATE if I was earning that a week I would’ve been on a plane out this country living in a fuck off mansion quicker than you could say ciao adios motherfucker 🤣🤣🤣

Anyways him taking the kids from me cemented my decision, bye bitch I was gone!

I tell you what it ain’t easy to get into refuge either, there really aren’t enough of them about it took me a good week of phone calls every day to find space for us. In the end I had a choice of 2 and I’m so so happy I choose here.

I took as much stuff as I possibly could fit in my car and prepared the kids for the “safe house”.

From the referral and assessment over the phone to every day life here now the staff have been incredible.

I didn’t know what to expect and it certainly wasn’t what I thought! When when arrived they showed us around, we have an awesome garden and a play room. A lounge and TV. A communal kitchen on each floor (theres 3 floors) and a bathroom that we share with one other family.

Our room is pretty damn big! I have my own little section of it, kids have bunk beds on the other side. We’ve even got a little table & chairs and an armchair! We have more than enough room. I genuinely expected to be squished in like sardines.

When we arrived we all had brand new bedding, I had a gift bag full of toiletries. The kids had massive gift bags of toiletries, toys, books and colouring stuff. They both then got to choose a handmade quilted blanket, a charity makes them for all the children who come to live here. When I saw it all my eyes just filled up and actually they are now too thinking of it! It was just such a lovely special touch to welcome us, and I thought wow we are lucky.

I was able to bring quite alot of stuff with me but there is a food store for those who haven’t got any money and a clothes room too. Got a lovely dressing gown from there actually 🤣🙌 bloody awesome when you fancy a clear out of old clothes too!

We share big washing machines & tumble dryers, just small chain to use them. You get a washing basket too now I think of it! It’s like living in a block of flats really just sharing some rooms. It’s pretty clean too (when everyone follows the rota anyways) I love when it’s my day to clean it gives me something to do!

When the kids are at school there are groups and activities like art sessions, parenting courses etc.

All in all it really isn’t too bad. The most important thing is that we are safe. Nobody knows where I am, literally nobody knows the address not even family. The whole place is covered in CCTV with intruder alarms (mate is that cunt loud!!) Not even the police know where they are going, they get lost coming here 🤣

The staff are here weekdays and are always there to support you, although sometimes there’s a little drama it’s good to be around other women in the same situation and we try to help each other. The sad bit is watching friends come and go! We’ve been here 10 weeks now and have already had to say goodbye to some good friends but that’s life! I’m not entirely sure how the kids will cope when we leave, it’s like a fun house they just literally play with their friends all day!

I am on a housing list for a new place but I expect to be here another 6 months if I’m honest. The tough thing is firstly being so far from my friends and family, and secondly not being able to work. My business literally means everything to me but for now it has to take a back seat. It is also best I have time away to get myself sorted too, I know what I’m like and I’ll get far too obsessed and take on far too much and send myself even more crazy!

It does get pretty damn boring sometimes but I’m going to try enjoy all this time sitting on my arse coz hopefully this time next year I wont be sitting down ever! And yes I will be moaning then too 🤣

This is our break from reality, our time to recover and just be ourselves.

If you are reading this and have debated going into refuge, don’t hesitate. If it means you are safe and free DO IT.

Noone said it was gona be easy, but life is a whole lot easier without the perp in it that’s for sure!

Until next time,

B xxx

I’m feeling pretty emosh right now but that’s only because I think for the first time since leaving I actually finally feel free.

It has literally been the toughest journey of my life but I did it, I ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT.

For such a long time I was ashamed, but now I’m not. I’m just proud. I’m actually so proud of myself and I’m so proud of my kids. They may not understand fully now but one day they will, and they’ll know just how much mummy loves them and what I’m willing to do to protect them and give them the best and most loving life possible.

Over the last few days I feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders, I know I’m not at the end yet but there is a light at the end of the tunnel now that I couldn’t see before.

As always a huge thank you to my family and friends for always supporting me and keep me going, without you I would be lost.

Already I have been contacted by several women going through DA and i may be imagining it but I’m seeing alot of posts now on my Facebook that i didn’t see before.

Let me tell you now that if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you 100% whether you have left yet or not.

If I can do it, so can you because nobody deserves a life like that.

And please, don’t read this and be sad for me. I want you to be proud.

Now I must put this phone down but I am doing so with a huge emosh grin on my face ❤

I’m also going to leave you with a quote from one of my fav songs..

When you gave away the love we gave you,

You don’t want a soul to save you,

I’ll never stop I’m not giving in.

I’ll climb the walls that slowly cage you,

Break the chains that you can’t break through,

I’ll never stop I’m not giving in.

I’m not giving in.

Until next time,

B xxx