12 years & out

Ahhh it’s been too long, and to be quite honest I’m blogging because I can’t fucking bare to think about all the shit I have to do 😂😂

Little update for ya, without too many details of course! We’ve never been closer to moving out than now, at some point in the next week I’ll be viewing somewhere and hopefully will know whether it will be in time for Christmas or not. 6 months we’ve have been here now and it’s really becoming too much for all of us. We are done!

The move is an overwhelming thought but my god the positives outweigh the negatives! If its before Christmas there is so much to do with so little time but hey I’ve managed through worse situations.

A brand new start for all of us, I’m so unbelievably proud of the kids, we have grown so much closer as a 3 and I just can’t wait to build our new life in a stable, happy environment.

AND we will finally get our doggy back home with us where she belongs.

Absofuckinglutely not a chance in HELL anyone else is getting hold of her (there have been threats) She has been through way too much already, she needs our love.

All those times she used to run away petrified, I wonder if he could answer why?

Maybe it was because she had an accident in the house and was subsequently screamed at, stamped on, hit with things.

Maybe it was because she couldn’t bare the shouting, or my screams, or the house being torn apart.

Who knows, I could just be exaggerating again 🤷‍♀️

Oh woe is fucking me on Facebook as per usual, I’m not going to waste my energy writing about perp because it’s simply boring.

It’s actually really fucking sad that someone puts more effort into making people on social media feel sorry for them than their own children. Could’ve easily saved enough money for court in 9 months too…

9 months WOW amazing. The worst but best 9 months of my entire life.

And that’s the point I HAVE A LIFE.

Including a love life, now that will remain forever private but know that there are good men out there. Ones that will treat you with respect, make you laugh and make you feel like the most amazing beautiful woman in the world!

Or man if you are male survivor, I salute you all!

Someone told me today that I look completely different now, and I do it’s so fucking weird!! I’m the same person, I just seem to have a sparkle in my eye now?!

I don’t think my soul is completely healed yet but I’m getting there. The nightmares have eased, I’m overcoming alot of insecurities and my confidence has grown enormously. So much so my friends say my head is growing 🤣🤣🤣

Its baffling the amount of women I speak to who are going through abuse or have been through it. It makes me sad and it makes me angry.

Also, I want to point out that there are also many men who experience abuse but being a woman I just write this way!

And you know what is also baffling?

THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

It’s actually scary, it’s like they’ve all been to the same fucking school or something. Every single time I speak with someone we will say, sounds just like my ex! Different fucking breed these bastards I tell ya.

Breaking free is hard, and when I think about it now reporting to police was a fairly easy way out. Without doing that I don’t know how I would of left.

The next hard part is staying free. I know there are so many of you in this stage, it’s hard, its exhausting and you just want to give up and go back to your “normality” however miserable and unhealthy and sad that is.

Trauma bonding is such a powerful thing, so much so it is compared to drug withdrawals.

I’ve taken this next part from a website because it explains trauma bonding much better than I can.

If you’ve ever observed a relationship that made you question whether it was love or abuse, then you’ve witnessed the toxic power of a trauma bond. This unique form of manipulation is characterized by repetitive behaviors, in which the narcissist operates within a cycle of abuse, resulting in a trauma bond that is strengthened with every repeated misdeed.
Before looking more closely at this trademark cycle, it’s important to know that narcissists don’t reserve their problematic behaviors only for romantic relationships. Trauma bonding can occur as a result of mental or physical abuse in any adult-to-adult relationship including those of boss and subordinate, professor and student, and colleague-to-colleague, just to name a few. It also extends to parent-to-child relationships, as well as other family relationships, and impacts both children and adults.
A narcissist’s cycle is an addictive pattern that fuels a need for validation, while conditioning their partner to believe toxic behaviors are normal. This cycle can be summarized in three stages: infatuation, devaluation, and rapid discarding of the partner. The loop becomes toxic as the partner begins to crave the infatuation that marked the beginning of the relationship, propelling them to quickly forgive and do anything to get the partnership back to a place of good feelings.
As the pattern repeats, a narcissist leverages inconsistent positive reinforcement to lure their partner back. Often, this cycle becomes an endless pursuit to win back the original love and admiration that was once abundant. By the time awareness kicks in, and it’s clear the relationship must end, victims often feel too trapped to leave.

It’s clever and calculating and quite fucking successful really.

The question is, how do we break that?

No fucking contact is the most important thing. Or limited contact which is often necessary if their are children involved. There are some perpetrators of abuse that can continue a somewhat healthy relationship with their children and of course it is something we should absolutely try. However, if you feel your child is at risk you are more than within your rights to stop all contact, mental and physical wellbeing of children is by far more important than what the perpetrator needs or wants. Please know that simply witnessing the abuse of one parent to another is also a form of domestic abuse, violent or not.

And by no contact I mean no fucking contact, not even a fucking text message because that shit can lure you back in. Delete their number, block their number, delete on WhatsApp and all social media.

And remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY YOURSELF TO THEM.

You don’t ever have to justify yourself to anyone in life. It is time to look after YOU.

Trying to argue with a typical narcissist is like arguing with a fucking 2 year old. You ain’t ever gona win. They want your attention whether that is positive or negative and you must not let them have it.

Ignoring a narcissistic and given no emotion and no reaction is what they dislike most. They CRAVE attention.

I also want you to know that leaving or planning to leave your abuser is the most dangerous time. Please do not be afraid to report their abuse to the police if needed, I mean I can’t say the Crown Prosecution system, or the criminal court system is much fucking use but police do help as much as they can from my experience. It’s evidence for you in the long run, and it also shows your abuser you ain’t fucking about this time.

You can also yourself apply for an injunction ie a non-molestation order (family court version of a restraining order) and an occupation order if needed to remove them from the property to keep yourself and your children if you have safe.

Of course you also have the option of refuge.

Please know I am always here for you as are many survivors and support systems.

Ima check out for now and I’m gona leave you with my fav song atm. And please, imagine me belting this one out!

Keep on going you beautiful amazing people, I’ll keep fucking going too 💪

Song for every blog…

Dua Lipa – Don’t start now

Did a full 180, crazy
Thinking ’bout the way I was
Did the heartbreak change me, Maybe
But look at where I ended up
I’m all good already
So moved on, it’s scary
I’m not where you left me at all, so

If you don’t wanna see me dancing with somebody
If you wanna believe that anything could stop me

Don’t show up, don’t come out
Don’t start caring about me now
Walk away, you know how
Don’t start caring about me now

Aren’t you the guy who tried to
Hurt me with the word goodbye
Though it took some time to survive you
I’m better on the other side
I’m all good already
So moved on, it’s scary
I’m not where you left me at all, so

If you don’t wanna see me dancing with somebody
If you wanna believe that anything could stop me

Don’t show up, don’t come out
Don’t start caring about me now
Walk away, you know how
Don’t start caring about me now

Until next time,

B xxx

What a week it’s been!

Living in such a huge space filled with many families and children means 1 thing, fucking germs everywhere! Within 10 days 80% of resisdents in the house were struck with a sickness & diarrhoea bug, including us so it’s been an exhausting time! Us mums pulled it out the bag sticking together though, trying to constantly disinfect the place, helping each other out with school runs & babysitting, shopping trips and sharing medicines especially when it was one of us down! I think we’ve made it out the other side now jesus 🤣

How can you keep a place like this germ free when all the kids play together and touch everything (and probs don’t wash their hands let’s be honest) it’s an impossible task. We all share kitchens and bathrooms and to be honest we are lucky to have hot water half the time so cleaning is hard graft! We are now full of cold but whatever, snot is better than sick and shit so I’ll take that 🤷‍♀️😂

I feel like I’m gona be such a clean freak when we get our own place and eeeek that dream may become a reality really, really soon for us! It just might nearly be time to move again and really, properly start our free lives. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us 🤞

I’ll try not to exaggerate too much here coz I’m really fucking good at that apparently 😂

Although the word “exaggerate” is quite interesting really.

The definition of the word exaggerate is to represent (something) as being larger, better, or worse than it really is.

So, that would be mean that you are in fact saying something that is true and correct your just making it a little more dramatic no? So I’ll take that as a compliment that I am in fact telling the honest truth, I’m just being a little extra maybe? 🤷‍♀️

Yes, yes I did see your comment. And I’m not offended by it at all. Although quite frankly, you really don’t have the privilege of calling me a cunt. You see I quite like being called a cunt, it’s a friendly term to me and we my darling, are not friends.

In fact, you really don’t know anything about me at all. Only what you have been told and opinions are not facts.

Not entirely sure about the tramp comment, I don’t think I’ve ever particularly acted like a tramp if I’m honest. I mean, I am homeless but I’m not an actual tramp 🤣

To be honest I hold no bad blood between myself and any of perps flying monkeys because he really is quite the actor, I fell for it for 12 years so I don’t blame you at all for believing him. Such a clever manipulator.

Unfortunately for perp I am very straight up and honest, how we were ever together is quite baffling really! Completely different human beings, perhaps even different species.

We should also maybe look at the definition of child abuse while we are at it…

This morning I was in such good spirits that I absofuckinglutely could of predicted the pending meltdown. 

As always a good weekend away means a painful bump back to reality upon returning to refuge. 

I can’t reveal too much due to the safety aspect but things are potentially looking better, we could be out of here soon. But soon just isn’t soon enough.

I feel like my mental & physical health are declining rapidly the longer I am here. 

I want to go back to fucking work right fucking now. No buts no fucking ifs I’m done waiting, I want right now. I have 0 patience left.

I feel like I’ve been left behind, everyone’s just living their lives as normal and I’m just here stuck. Literally stuck doing FUCK ALL. My brain has way too much time to think but not about anything remotely fucking productive at all. All I see when I look around me is a constant reminder of where we are and why.

It’s been 8 months since I left him and the longest 8 months of my entire life. 

Yes I have regained most of my freedom, and control over most of my life but not all of it. And some of it I’ll probably never have. Yes I can move out of here but now I will always have to live life like some sort of secret fucking agent because the authorities do little to control the problem and that is highly unlikely to change.

He is also never going to change, still trying to manipulate & control me by attempting to manipulate my son and his friends. Can we just be aware they are 9 years old? Never ends.

Although I am desperate to leave this place I’m also scared to be on my own and the list of things I need to do and buy is just so overwhelming. How I wish I could just snap my fingers and it all be ok.

This place sucks but it’s safety, and it’s the only “home” we have known for 5 months.

Going back to work is going to be difficult in terms of keeping my new location hidden. And it’s highly unlikely it will stay hidden forever, then what? They didn’t want to help me keep safe before other than dumping us off here so what’s going to be different this time around?

How the fuck am I gona get clients when I can’t really advertise my area? How am I going to trust people are who they say they are?
How am I going to fulfill all of my dream plans whilst playing secret agent and being a full time single parent?

Just how the fuck?

I’m loosing weight again too. I just cannot keep my IBS under control. Even if I don’t feel stressed all of time like I used to I quite obviously am! For 3 weeks I’ve basically only eaten dry fucking food. Plain rice/pasta/potatoes meat. I’ve never been so god damn fucking bored of food in my life. The problem with IBS is pretty much everything in life fucks it up. Doctors cannot do anything other than give me medication to take occasionally when it’s really bad. Recommended this fod diet, honestly go fucking google it and you’ll realise that you basically can’t fucking eat anything. 
Eating so plain has helped a little yes, however I’m loosing weight again. 8 st 4lb down to 7st 10lb. I looked so fucking healthy and now I’m just becoming bones again BECAUSE I CAN’T FUCKING EAT. I can’t even eat healthy, most fruit and veg fuck me up, even wholegrain foods fuck me up. Dairy is an absolute no go. The more I eat the more pain I’m in I just cannot win.

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING EAT PROPER FUCKING FOOD.

I’m always like, oh I can’t eat that I’ve got IBS. HOW FUCKING IRRITATING.

I thought it would go away but it isn’t going away 😭 

I’m also exercising 4/5 days a week to relieve stress and help me sleep which it absolutely does ( can’t quite believe i’m still doing it) but then I’m burning more calories, no win no fucking win situation.

My skin is also horrendous due to hormones being all over the gaff constantly and yeh you guessed it FUCKING STRESS.

Without saying too much, dating is going very well but it’s very very scary. Although as a woman my confidence is blooming and probably the best I’ve ever felt within myself, my soul is still so incredibly fragile. Or wounded as my counsellor says.

Counselling is also going well, I really like her I’m really comfortable there and she gets it. Last time she said she knows that I’m strong and I’m resistant and I have a huge drive to go forward, but real deep down inside I am very wounded and that’s the part we need to heal.

When I was back there I used to tell myself I would crawl out of that shit like a wounded animal and its interesting she uses that same word. I do believe in fate and I reckon we were supposed to meet. This is how my life is supposed to be right now, that might not be what I want to tell myself but it is.

It’s the not knowing, I can’t bare it. I need plans, I need dates, I need to know when everything is going to happen and when it’s all going to be ok 😫 

I guess this is like the final fucking hurdle before the finish line. Man have I gota dig deep to find the strength to get over it, I’m just so tired of it all.

I can’t even think about how I will be if I don’t get out before Christmas. I don’t know if I am strong enough to cope with being here in this limbo any longer than that. And I just want my doggy back, oh god my heart just aches so badly. She’s been through so much, all 4 of us have and we just so desperately need our happy ever after.

I’ll be alright, I just need to be dramatic for this evening and I’ll pick myself straight back up tomorrow.

Song for every blog tonight is one that really cuts deep for me. You’ll probably tell reading the lyrics but it’s a story from the child’s view of her mother that escaped abuse and how proud she is of her. I pray to god my children feel this way about me even though they shouldn’t have to. Literally gets me every time 😫😭❤

Christina Aguilera- Oh mother

She was so young with such innocent eyes
She always dreamt of a fairytale life
And all the things your money can’t buy
She thought that he was a wonderful guy
Then, suddenly, things seemed to change
It was the moment she took on his name
He took his anger out on her face
She kept all of her pain locked away

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
‘Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So, mother, I thank you
For all you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through
We always pull through
We always pull through

It was the day that he turned on his kids
That she knew she just had to leave him
So many voices inside of her head
Saying over and over and over
‘You deserve much more than this.’

She was so sick of believing the lies and trying to hide
Covering the cuts and bruises
So tired of defending her life, she could have died
Fighting for the lives of her children

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
‘Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So, mother, I thank you
For all that you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through

All of your life you have spent
Burying hurt and regret
But, mama, he’ll never touch us again

For every time he tried to break you down
Just remember who’s still around
It’s over, and we’re stronger
And we’ll never have to go back again

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
‘Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So, mother, I thank you
For all that you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through
We always pull through
We always pull through

I love you, mom

Until next time,
Love B xxx

So I’m gona keep this fairly non-personal so I don’t rock the boat too much, but I feel like I have to write about it because I’m super proud of of someone and I’m super angry for someone.

We will start with the anger so we can end this positively.

In refuge, women and children come and go. This is a place only for those at the highest risk of Domestic Abuse. A safe place for us and our children.

A woman and her 2 children came just a few weeks ago, lovely woman and lovely children that my 2 have made good friends with.

Like all of us here, in a desperate attempt to escape abuse these 3 have been ripped from their home, they have left their friends and family because of a narcissistic selfish perpetrator.

Do you understand the gravity of that situation?

And its not just the affect that it has on a brave, strong woman protecting her children, but the children themselves.

Can you imagine being a child and being suddenly taken from your home, your school and your friends?

So here they are, settled into their new home and new schools. And what happens?

That selfish piece of shit perp stalks them and finds them here and has the fucking balls to turn up outside.

Be aware that this place is rigged with security cameras and intruder alarms so noone was hurt. Also be aware that if anyone got into this place they would be dealing with ALOT of angry bad ass women willing to do ANYTHING to protect each other and our babies.

Today they must leave.

Once again, they are being uprooted and unsettled because of that cunt fucks selfish fucking actions.

Do you lot actually realise who you are hurting? YOUR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN.

And you wonder why you are not allowed contact??? Because the only people who you think about are yourselves, period.

It literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Not only have you mentally, physically, sexually or financially abused a woman for god knows how long, you have abused your own children whilst doing so and NOW when she has the strength to finally leave your pathetic ass you want to carry it on?

HAVE YOU NOT DONE ENOUGH?

When is enough? When does it end?

And WHY the fuck should it be us running? WHY are our children still suffering? WHY are we not protected, WHY are you not all in prison for your disgusting crimes.

Coz you lot don’t change, anyone that subjects another human being especially their own children to abuse and violence should just be shot because they wont ever change, it is impossible.

I hope that you’ll all pray for this woman and her babies like I will, I hope they are kept safe wherever they go next.

Also, I have to say I’m also proud of this woman above. Going beyond to protect her children, SHE IS A FUCKING WARRIOR.

Next up is slightly more positive and it’s about another incredible woman I’ve met along the way.

When I left perp I joined a support group, who gave me invaluable advice and kindness. People are incredibly sympathetic and understanding but unless you have experienced this type of abuse you can’t fully understand it.

This is where I met this woman (I’m gona refer to her as A), when we began talking she was still with her perp. When your in it you do know that it’s wrong but the issue is you’ve been programmed for so long to ignore your gut instinct that you carry on. A had got to the stage where she was really questioning her abuse but she was still making excuses for it.

Despite going through hell every day A supported me whole heartedly in my journey from day 1 and I tried to do the same for her.

This is where I realised how difficult it is to support someone whilst they are still in the relationship, and how hard it must be for families and friends of these survivors.

I was always honest, but I did hold back at times because having been there myself I know it’s not as simple as just leaving. Trauma bonding is real and is described as being very similar to drug addiction, this is how powerful control can be.

A was SO close to the breakthrough, she had the perfect opportunity to leave for good. It had been a few months and I was finding it increasingly difficult to keep the support going. I hope A doesn’t mind me saying I confided in a friend how hard it was and that I wasn’t sure I could keep it up. But I pushed those thoughts away when I thought of how my friends and family never gave up on me and knew no matter how much it hurt me to continue, it would hurt her more to not have that support.

And she only went and fucking done it didn’t she?!

Ahhh I CANNOT express how happy I was for her. She is now safe in refuge and free from abuse. Her journey has only just begun and although now she must deal with the aftermath, already I see change in her.

I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!!! My eyes are going writing this.

You cannot understand the strength it takes to not only put up with that shit in the first place, but to leave and to keep gone.

Just like my journey & A’s journey, there will be bad days and we aren’t through that tunnel yet. But there is a light at the end of that tunnel, and that light is a bright wonderful future.

A you should be so proud of yourself and know that I am always here. In a years time imagine where we will be?!

To those of you that may be experiencing abuse please know there is light, you can break free.

And to all those perps, know we can break free and we can be stronger than you and take back our freedom.

And let me tell you how fucking sweet that freedom tastes 🙌

Song for every blog…

Christina Aguilera – On our way

Me and you, we’re different
Don’t always see eye to eye
You go left, and I go right
And sometimes when we even fight
That don’t mean that I won’t need a friend, oh
You and me, we’re in this till the end, oh

I think we’re on our our way
Through all the lows and highs
I need you by my side, singing
I think we’re on our way
To better days, better days, oh
Let’s say we turn the page
Move on from all the times
Should’ve laughed, not cried, feeling
What is there more to say?
I think that we’re on our way

Together, we’ll weather
Many storms as family
That bond is forever
It can take almost anything
The love I feel for you grows everyday, yeah
The more we get to learn from our mistakes

Until next time,

Coz I don’t think I’m done here yet…

B xxx

So I guess this will be the last one for now, as much as I enjoy fueling the fire I have to be serious and think of our safety too.

Perp doesn’t like the truth and probably doesn’t like to hear how my life is without him.

I want to take this time to say of my utter disappointment in the country we live in.

In an abusive relationship? Leave, people will HELP you, it’ll be ok you’ll get support.

So where the fuck is this help I ask?

5 months living in refuge and I’m no closer to a having a home. Although we are in temporary/shared accommodation, overcrowded with 3 in one bedroom and legally homeless we are not priority for social housing.

Tell me who the fuck is more priority PLEASE.

I leave and report my violently abusive husband only to be left in serious danger living next to him.

To keep myself and my children safe I had to leave my home, my job, my family and friends and relocate my children.

5 months here and the council have me in the lowest priority band.

Try to private rent and no landlord will accept me because right now I cannot fucking work full time and prove that I can support myself financially.

And to top it ALL fucking off, this irritating wasp cunt is still running around doing whatever the hell he wants when he wants, including filling other peoples children’s heads with shit. 

Ps I don’t have a boyfriend, yet.

Yet it is ME that is constantly told to be careful, be on guard, relocate again, stop writing a blog and live life like some sort of fucking secret agent.

What the FUCK am I supposed to do? 
 
Who the FUCK is helping me? 

I WANT to work, I WANT to restart my life, I WANT to give my children a stable home and noone will give me a fucking break. 

As always, I’ll just keep fucking going.

Believe me when I say NOONE will break me. Absofuckinglutely no chance.

Just know that I’m doing ok and I’ll be back somehow!

Until next time,
Whenever that may be,

Love B 
Xxx

I feel like it’s been so long!! I feel like I have to be in the mood for this, I don’t want to do it if I’m not in the mood coz it’ll just be boring shit 🤣

I guess it’s been an ok couple of weeks ish? Just the same old same old really, perhaps with a little bit of excitement but we shall get onto that!

I’m also gona try to block out who may or may not be reading this coz he reckons he’s got someone ahem, “feeding him information” his probation have confirmed this. I’m really not fussed because this blog journey is for me and in time I can’t wait to read back and think how fucking amazing I am.

Also, under no circumstances have I ever, or will I ever PLAY ANY SYSTEMS. I don’t even speak with social services to play a fucking game with them. The only time they were ever involved was to purely ensure the safety of me and my children. And btw, I told them myself that I attempted to break in that door, they literally know everything. And actually, they told me I did what ANY mother would do in that situation. 
Once we were out of that hell whole house they stepped away, there was no need for them, they are more than happy with my decisions and how I care for my children.

Not ONCE have I ever lied, to the courts/police or social services. I am not a liar. I will only ever do what is best for my children regardless of my own feelings. Their physical and mental safety is and will always be my main priority above all else. My answer to contact is still no and I will stand by that.

So this week I made a connection (this is how my counsellor describes these things and I kinda like the lingo so we gona roll with it) and that connection was between perp and my anxiety of photos.  

I don’t like photos of myself and I don’t like taking photos of myself. And not just selfies, photos with other people too. 

So I was ordering photos & decided to look through my Google drive of previous years to see what I could find of me and the kids. And you know what? I barely have any. 1 reason for that is I’ve changed phones so many times over the past 10 years because some cunt kept fucking breaking them, wonder who that was 🤔
2nd reason being was the comments I would receive for taking them. Usually it was that I didn’t want photos with him because I was ashamed of him, or because I didn’t love him or want to be with him. Of course pictures of myself (even with another person) would be that I was trying to attract attention from men. It didn’t matter who the pictures where with, family/friends/the kids. It was always the same shit, “You’ll take pictures with every other cunt but me”

I mean how do you even get to that point where you don’t take any photos of life? Makes me think of the frog thing my counsellor says.

“If you put a frog into boiling water, it will jump.
If you put a frog into cold water and gently heat it up, it won’t notice and will slowly die”

The point is, control is formed so, so very slowly, you don’t realise what’s happening. And by the time you do, your in so bloody deep you have no idea how to get out.

The whole photo thing made me think of the attack just before honeymoon. It was definitely up there in the top 5 worst physical attacks from him. And all because of a photo. If you’ve read my other blogs previously you’ll know which one. 

Anyways, this was clearly a trigger for me. I freaked the fuck out. I just had these images in my head of him attacking me, and this overwhelming feeling of being hopeless. I was hysterically crying and my chest was so tight I couldn’t breathe 😫 It took a good 10-15 minutes to calm myself down. 

That my friends is what we call a flashback and a panic attack. Symptoms of PTSD.

(If you follow me on insta it was literally right after I posted about it)

I was so upset after too because I feel like I’ve done so well lately and it really annoyed me that I got like that. But this is when I have to realise that I still have alot of healing to do, and actually that might not ever go away. 

A positive note is I am now trying to take photos as much as I can, 1 because I want memories, 2 because it’s growing my own confidence a little and 3 because everytime I do I’m telling myself that, ITS OK TO TAKE A FUCKING PHOTO.
 
Defo been taking those photos coz I am back in the dating game motherfuckers!

So, the last dude who I thought pied me but in fact hadn’t, was just weird. Only sending messages at certain times of the day then disappearing at weekends leaving me on blue ticks. I think fucking not my friend. We had a date arranged but I wasn’t happy with his lack of effort. If I had explained this he would of come back with a load of bullshit excuses, and I was just sitting there one night and thought, hold the fuck up. 

For 12 fucking years I made excuses for some dudes shitty fucking behaviour, why the FUCK am I gona allow this now? 

Blocked. Done. Boy bye🤚 

I was a teeny weeny bit sad, however I’m now aware that I deserve so much more. I want someone who wants to put in the same amount as effort as me, and there’s no way in hell I will accept anything less.

My attitude then was like ok fuck this, fuck the dating sites I’m out.  

And then, like they alway say someone comes along when ya least expect it. 
(Also through a friend so straight away I knew he was a real person and he was a complete psychopath, excellent! 😂)

Obviously, it’s very very early days and I don’t want to share too much. But we gota have as bit of good news ain’t we?!

We’ve had 2 dates (3rd maybe next week) similar position in life to me in that he’s separated with 2 kids. So far, he is kind, funny, obv good looking, and you know what? Respectful.
He actually reminds me of my Dad, in his morals and attitude towards life and women. They do say you should date someone like your Dad right?!

It’s pretty amazing to feel like a woman. That may seem strange to you reading it, but perp never made me feel like that. Always say I want a man who loves my eyes and he does!! And pretty much everything else 💁‍♀️🤣
To be complimented so much physically is so good, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, just fucking good.

But the best part is being complimented on my personality. I always felt like 2 different people. I was nearly always myself around other people, but completely different with perp. With him I’m just the same person (perhaps a few less swear words to begin with 😂) It’s the best feeling to be told that I’m sweet and funny, good company and he likes how open I am. 

He already knows the main parts of my current situation and isn’t bothered at all. I was fairly quick to share, I don’t think I will ever hold back on that one, as you guys know I am very honest and very open. If I can’t be that I’m not being me, and I refuse to be anything but me now. If my past is ever an issue for someone, that’s ok but they aren’t good enough for me and I would rather know sooner than later. 

I don’t want to feel ashamed of it and actually I refuse to feel ashamed of it. My big sister told me to own that shit and I will with my fuckin head held high. I’m a good fucking person and someone else’s cuntish behaviour towards me will never define me. I’m not going to allow that to be my identity. I am worth far more than that.

Again, it’s very early days but I feel relaxed about it and I truly believe what will be will be. If anything I have gained so much already in just knowing that actually, a man can like me for the person that I truly am.  

By dating I am putting my heart on the line but that’s ok, I won’t be scared of the future and I won’t be scared of being hurt. Noone will ever be able to hurt me like before because I will not allow it. I may have my heart broken at some point as we all do, but noone will ever break my soul and THAT is the difference, I am far too strong for that now. 

I can’t think of a song right now, I’ll pop back with one at some point. But know that I have a big grin on my face and I’m proud of me!!!

Until next time,
B
Xxx

A little birdy told me I had a special visitor here, isn’t that interesting?

At first I thought ah shit, all my most personal thoughts are here and that cunt fuck is reading it. But then, I thought why would it matter? All that is written is the truth and I pride myself on being a honest human being, unlike some out there.

You may see how you nearly broke me, but never EVER mistake that as weakness.

I am not weak and never have been, only the strongest can survive that shit and I survived it like a warrior, oh wait sorry I forgot that’s your word 🤣

Blogging is not against the law. I name no names here therefore I have never breached my promise to the court. It’s completely legal, soz babe.

Are you worried people may not believe your bullshit?

Are you worried people may see you for what you are?

I used to be worried what people would think of me, but not anymore and especially not you.

You will never win me back. It is simply not an option. And I hope that hurts like a bitch. Let’s be real here, you will never even come close to having a woman like me again. And that’s just what I am now, a woman. Not the scared vulnerable 15 year old girl you managed to manipulate.

I am a strong, beautiful, smart, loyal and brave woman.

All qualities you do not have and will not ever possess.

I am so far from the person you broke me down into. You do not scare me anymore, I simply pity you. Deep down you have noone and nothing going for you because your not real, your fake. It’s only when you get frustrated that your plans aren’t working that the mask slips for a short while and out comes the real perp. The evil, manipulative and cruel man I know that you really are.

My children do not need you and unfortunately yes they are scared of you. You will never admit the damage you caused to them but that’s ok, because they have me.

I am the one who will battle through with them on their paths to recovering from your abuse. I am the one by their sides no matter what. I’m the one who is there for my son when he cries and says he hates himself and wants to die. I’m the one there for my daughter when she cries at how scared she was to loose me.

You know the other day I saw my shrink and I actually said how amazing my baby girl is and how strong she is and that she hadn’t really ever gotten upset or showed signs of how she has been affected by shitcunts behaviour. Until last night.

She was telling me she had got told off at school, and all of a sudden she just burst and was hysterical with tears. I’m like woah it’s ok everyone gets in trouble at school sometimes it’s fine!!

Her actual words were…

“It reminded me of when we went to nannas and I was scared I was going to be told off for running after you to the car. I felt very conscious, I waited til daddy walked away and then I just had to run out the door to you because I was so scared I would never see you again”

😭😭😭😭😭

My 6 year old baby girl broke my heart with those words.

To be honest that right there is PTSD. A a simple telling off at school leads to a flashback like that? That isnt normal. She then also told me about the bad dreams she has of being taken and people being hurt.

She’s fucking 6 years old. 6 years old.

Piece of shit cunt.

What she is referring to happened about 3 or 4 weeks before I finally left he had kicked me out again in the evening, I had my keys (as always in preparation) and I got into the car and I looked up and saw my little sweetheart running to the car 😫 my boy then followed but so did dickhead, he persuaded him to stay and sent him inside but she wouldn’t go she was so upset, my poor little darling. I managed to drive off and get to my mums. I hated leaving him behind but I knew he would be physically safe, where as if I stayed I wouldn’t be and atleast I could get them both out of that environment even just for a little while.

And that’s just what you do isn’t it? Focus on him because you know he would be much easier to manipulate. That’s why you only ever talk about him and not her.

Do you seriously, in all fucking honestly think I’m gona let that happen again?

Noone will ever hurt my children again.

Just like today when she said to me, “Mummy I don’t think I’ll ever want a boyfriend”

I asked why.

“Because I don’t want all this stuff that happened with daddy and you to happen to me”

I said, “Hold on, firstly, mummy will never ever let anyone hurt you and if they did I would kill them. Secondly it wont ever get to that baby because I won’t let it, you’ll have me there and we wont have it. Just like now, mummy won’t have that anymore and that’s why we walked away”

Not a fucking chance in hell is that gona happen. Already she has a strong soul and by the time I’ve finished raising her she will be the baddest most strongest fucking woman out there, just like her mama!! 💪

One day you may see them again, perhaps if you stopped buying yourself shit you might be able to afford court. I mean, it’s just an idea 🤷‍♀️

My answer to contact is a firm no.

Only a court order can force it, strong safeguarding concerns means my decision (regardless of parental rights) is perfectly legal. And I have plenty of evidence to back it too.

I’m also fine thanks for asking.

Physically, I hate to say it mate but I’m looking pretty banging. Ha, gutted.

Mentally, I am stronger than ever.

And I’m not even CLOSE to being where I will be once I have regained all of my self worth and confidence that you so savagely tried to steal from me.

You don’t want my kids, you just want me.

But unfortunately sweetheart we don’t aways get what we want in life, lifes a bitch so suck it up already and jog the fuck on.

Very soon I will be on top form.

I will restart my career, I will have a beautiful home, and the most amazing life with my children, family and friends.

I will also party, have fun, laugh and shag as many fucking men as I want to coz we know what a fucking hoe I really am… LOL

😂🖕

Song for every blog…

And yeh, I sing what I want when I want coz ain’t no cunt here telling me what to do!

Zara Larson – Don’t worry bout me

Now that you hurting like hell
You see things that reminds you of me everywhere
Just know that I, I’m fine tonight

You’re tryna stay in my life
Ain’t got the space or the time
It’s too late now, I’m moving on
I’m so unfazed, you ain’t what I want, no

Don’t worry bout me
You should worry bout you, yeah, yeah
Keep doing what you do best, babe
That’s loving only yourself, babe
Cause I’ve been sleeping okay
Don’t worry ’bout me
You should worry ’bout you
Yeah, that’s your problem, so fix it
Cause I ain’t none of your business
Now I’ve been sleeping okay

Until next time,

B xxx

Oh man, it’s been a shit day. I’ve randomly cried finishing food shopping, driving and before and after the school runs.

Picked the kids up and the boy started and I’m like fuck me, I can’t even cope with myself today let alone your shit. But actually after I sobbed all the way home he’s been really good, think he felt bad, and then I felt bad 🙈 Just 2 very hurt and confused souls trying to find their way I guess. It makes me sad coz I feel like our relationship is just so strained right now, I really hope that once we get past all of this that we become the best of friends.

And no it’s not about men today, I didn’t actually get ghosted in the end (not yet anyway lol) so that’s cool but I did still delete the app. If something comes of it great, if not then I’m not bothering, ain’t nobody got time for that emotion fucking head shit especially not me. And apologies for the last blog if in fact said man does ever read it 😂

I’m not even sure what I’m sad about today to be honest, I think it’s just everything. I’ve been here almost 5 months now and to be honest I’ve had enough. Currently waiting to cook my dinner coz the kitchens busy. It’s not a bad place, and I am incredibly grateful to be here and be safe but I’ve kinda had enough now.

I would like to cook when I want to, I would like to sit on a sofa and watch tv instead of an ipad on my bed that is fucking my neck. I would like to have my own bedroom and be able to escape the kids. I would like not to have to carry a million shopping bags half a mile to my house and then up 2 fucking cunting flights of stairs, my shoulders are killing me! And I would also like to shit in peace 🤦‍♀️🤣

I want my friends and family to visit me, especially on a day like today. Sitting in my car crying just wishing I had someone to hug 😭

I’d actually like to get up in the morning and wonder how I’m gona have time to get all my shit done instead of wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with all this time. I do have stuff to do sometimes, but then it’s like my mind can’t focus on it so I end up just sitting there with my own thoughts and that’s dangerous. That’s when shit goes downhill. I want some routine and normality. I’m always here there and everywhere nowadays which I am sort of enjoying but at the end of it I’d like to feel like ok I’m ready to go home now but this just isn’t home, I don’t have a home.

I know in reality it’s a small part of my life but I feel like it’s such a waste of time. I guess in future I’ll probably look back and know it wasn’t. Even if I do feel shit right at this moment overall I’m a different person from the woman who walked in this place almost 5 months ago.

I don’t often think about perp anymore to be honest, I go days without a thought. Yesterday he tried ringing my mum and I didn’t really fret about it for long. He’s just trying another tactic which will literally never work, my mum seems like a softie but mate she will kick your motherfucking arse if she gets hold of ya 🤣 Noone hurts her babies or grand babies!

I was also reminded of him at the weekend on the way to my friends, I have to drive through the area I had my wedding dress fittings. I remember one time I was going to a fitting and he had kicked off over something, he tried to stop me from going, like literally tried getting into my car and stopping me driving. I think I almost hit him, what a shame it didn’t go over him 🤣

So there’s me standing in this shop in what was honestly one of the most beautiful wedding dresses ever, talking, smiling and laughing about my wedding plans and my fiance and how perfect it was all going to be.

Meanwhile my phone is on silent in my bag getting fucking hounded by my soon to be husband telling me the wedding isn’t going to happen and I should just cancel it all and sell the fucking dress. That feeling of anxiety and fear is one I don’t wish on anyone. Alot of people experience anxiety of things that they know will never happen, imagine feeling that anxiety knowing full fucking well what’s going to happen? Hands sweating, heart pounding with my brain going a million miles an hour.

Fake smiling at it’s finest ladies and gents.

I was finished earlier than I thought but for once I thought fuck you, and I drove to the services got some food and sat in my car for an hour, phone still on silent. Those little moments of peace meant so much to me, even if it did mean shit would be worse when I got home. I guess that peace I felt in those moments is now an every day feeling for me.

Yes I am absolutely damaged, my brain and body have endured trauma for a very long time and it will take me a very long time to process and over come that but finally I have that peace.

Actually sitting here thinking how the fuck did I actually survive it? The thought of spending just minutes in that feeling of fear makes me shudder, let alone hours, days, years. I’m quite surprised I’m not more fucked up than I am to be honest, realistically I’m pretty fucking normal considering.

Song every blog is one I listened to today when I felt sad! One of my favs.

Little Mix – Little me

She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don’t hear a word

Always talking but she can’t be heard

You can see it there if you catch her eye
I know she’s brave but it’s trapped inside
Scared to talk but she don’t know why

Wish I knew back then
What I know now
Wish I could somehow
Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice

I’d tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder
Tell her she’s beautiful, wonderful
Everything she doesn’t see

You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out
And know that right here, right now
You can be beautiful, wonderful
Anything you wanna be

Little me

Until next time,

B xxx

So, I’ve actually been quite excited to blog today! I forgot how much better it really does make me feel.

Someone asked today if I had considered writing a book, honestly that’s actually been a goal of mine since I was little. I’m really hoping one day I can and hope these blogs can make it happen! But for now we shall stick to this coz I got too much on my already overflowing plate as it is.

It’s been an emotional week, partly because I’m on my period, always makes everything worse! And mostly because of men. After having a complete breakdown yesterday I’ve deleted the dating app, that shit is just no good for me. I thought maybe I was ready for it but apparently not.

After just a few days of being on there I suddenly turned into this paranoid, pathetic wreck sitting there waiting for guys to message me back, I mean wtf even is that? 🙈 Wondering whether I’ve said the right thing, or will they like me, do they like me, do they think I’m pretty, am I good enough?

As if I haven’t spent enough of my life allowing a man to make me feel shit I’m now putting myself in a position to do it again? No B, bad fucking move. Very bad move.

The fact is I just want some nice male attention, and I’m not afraid to admit that. And why wouldn’t I? Literally been made to feel like I’m not good enough for 12 years and now I want to feel like I am good enough. Except I’m thinking that needs to come from a man and quite frankly it doesn’t.

Whilst bawling my eyes out yesterday after 2 glasses of prosecco (because I got ghosted by some dick who asked me out on a date then proceeded to block me on whatsapp) one of my very wise lash girls asked me what the difference is between her telling me I look good to a man, I replied no difference. Excatly! She says, so why are you looking for a man to validate it?

No fucking idea mate, I temporarily lost my damn mind.

Praise you my lash sister!!!

But in all seriousness who does that? Why not just be honest and say actually, I’m not feeling it. You were more than straight up 2 days ago telling me the shit you want to do to my arsehole but your incapable of saying no to the date YOU asked ME on. Fucking idiots.

I’m slightly wondering if I should of made this blog more private but fuck it, too late now you might aswell hear it all. If you ever find yourself in my blog its for 1 of 2 reasons, 1 your an amazing human that I love OR 2 your a complete cunt fuck 😂🤷‍♀️

If any of you ever see this too bad, shouldn’t of been such a prick then 🖕

That’s the 2nd time I’ve been let down for a date (ok they may have been very casual dates but none the less, a date) The other was more of a head fuck, one that I thought would be more respectful in all honesty because I sort of knew him anyways. Casual sex is one of those things not everyone can handle, I am pretty emotional however I’m also a grown ass woman that is more than capable of making her own decisions. I can go into shit open minded as long as there’s honesty. But c’mon, don’t talk the talk then half fucking heartedly walk the walk and then disappear! If your gona attempt to be a fuck boy atleast make the fuck part worth it for all parties jeez..

The other wanker can’t even be called a fuck boy coz he didn’t even get to the fuck part, urgh wannabes…

Though after my meltdown last night I did infact get chatted up, just unfortunately not my type of guy. However, attention is attention none the less and I’ll take pride in the fact that this mumma could pull a 21 year old if she wanted, high fives to me!

Bless, he was sweet just a bit of a wet wipe. But actually it was quite nice to be open with someone about my situation, to be strong enough to I guess explain my past out loud to someone I don’t know without crying or feeling ashamed. It was very matter of fact really, this is it this is what happened and so be it I’m moving on from it. For that I felt pretty proud of myself, and although he is far too young and again not my type it is nice to know that someone could accept that and still want to take me out.

Perhaps I will find that person one day, but I think for now I have to only focus on myself. I need to be in a position where if some guy doesn’t want to make the effort I’m willing to make or isn’t respectful or tries to fuck me off that I think, thank you next. Bye bitch, your loss. And it absofuckinglutely is their loss. It’s not a case of me not being good enough but rather they are not good enough for me. I’m gona dig deep and find that self worth.

You fuckers are dealing with a god damn QUEEN don’t you know 💁‍♀️😂

I say that now and tomorrow I’ll probably cry myself to sleep feeling needy but its fine I will get through this with not a single dick in sight, literally 😂

I guess it’s just another lesson learnt hey? I’m not not open to dating I’m just not going to search for it, if it’s meant to be it will happen. Though I don’t think that will happen in current location, heres some examples..

Earlier I was in my local shop and some guy says “Sorry love can I ask your name?”I’m like “What? Why?” “Oh I’m sorry it’s just that I’m drunk and I found you very attractive I’m sorry” He then totters off out the shop drink in hand.

Another time I was walking through town and some rude boy just shouted at me “Yea you buff still”

I just looked at him like seriously? Do you honestly think that is gona get you a date? Ffs man 🤦‍♀️😂

I’m not gona find prince charming here am I?

I suppose I should get some sleep really and hopefully none of the many pricks are in my dream 😂🙏

Song for every blog today is one of my favs to belt out actually and it fits this perfectly!

I’ll leave you with my favourite part…

Sara Bareilles – Love song

Cause I believe there’s a way
You can love me because I say
I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one,
You see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
Or you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay

If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There’s a reason to write you a love song
Today, today

Until next time,

B xxx

It’s been a busy week or so! Settling kids back into school, trying to get used to early mornings again is hard work especially when I can never sleep until late! My mind is just so active when the kids go to sleep. Pretty proud that I’ve kept myself busy and not just slept, though one day I did try to have just an hours nap and I couldn’t even drift off, wtf is that about? I’ve been walking a fair bit most days, and working out in my room. I figure firstly the exercise will help me to sleep and secondly I might just get a Kim K arse to pull my next husband with 🤣 
Na it’s really for me, fuck the men. I want to be confident in myself!

And lets face it my baby face might not age but my arse certainly is beginning to wobble 😂😂

Had my first counselling session this week and I think it went well. I guess I don’t really know what I was expecting, I definitely felt more relaxed leaving thats for sure. Interesting that already she’s connected me perhaps accepting certain behaviours from my childhood. She suggested maybe there was a vulnerability about me that perp saw and it’s probably true. Even though I am pretty head strong, I do like to see the best in people and I think maybe in future I need to remind myself that my own feelings and needs come first.

Ima be savage 🤣  

She thought it was interesting that I was drawn to do eyelashes, she said that my job is to open peoples eyes up and perhas doing so was my own awakening. Of course I already knew from beginning lashing the abuse was worse and it was because doing something that was so positive for me opened my eyes to the things I perhaps didn’t want for me. One comment I think I will never forget is her saying that everything I gained came at a price. And it’s very true, I gained so much confidence and power, I am more than capable of supporting myself and 2 children financially and I made the most incredible friends. She said, but I bet you would do it all again, and absolutely I would. Twas a hefty price but so worth it. I cried more about lashing than perp, actually sobbed talking about my friends and the support I have from everyone in the industry. And because sometimes I feel like my life is just slipping by, I watch everyone just kind of racing forward with their dreams and I’m just like a sitting duck waiting. I know this is dramatic (Mariah moment) And I know its temporary, but for me that was genuinely the hardest part to walk away from. My business is literally such a huge part of me, and I’m bloody proud to be passionate and hard working. Do I want to sit doing fuck all all day not earning? No I fucking don’t. I don’t want no help from anyone or anything I want to do it myself because I’m more then capable and it really fucks me off. It’s fine I’m over it for today.

It’s funny I  wrote the above a few days ago whilst sitting in a car park by Gatwick airport waiting for my tyre to be changed after blowing the cunt hitting a curb 😂 Now I’m going to finish this sitting in the sun in town drinking a Costa. 

And how nice it is just to sit here, interesting people watching too, there are some funny characters in this town 🤣

So yeh at the weekend I taught in Ireland, absolutely loved it. It’s just so nice getting back to doing what I love the most, even if it’s not very often I’ll take it!! Spoke to the girls about my blog too, they said I’m very witty, best compliment ever!! I often write these chuckling at myself thinking I’m fucking hilarious, then I chuckle more thinking what you lot are saying reading it 😂 

Flying home sunday just watching the clouds go by I though, wow. I’m fucking lucky. It’s honestly just surreal, every day now is so fucking surreal. Just the fact of having control over every aspect of my life. Even now, I don’t have to explain why I’m in town or why I’m sitting in the sun having a coffee simply because I want to! Just me doing whatever the fuck I want when I want.

Saw my counsellor again yesterday it was good. I feel like I havent blogged because I’m not thinking about the shit. I said to her that I’m actually worried to not think about it, is it a good thing that im moving on OR is it a bad thing that im shutting it out and is it going to come and bite me on the arse? I honestly don’t know, I’m gona assume it’s good for now.

Also, I’m trying online dating. Let’s be honest the current situation and having 2 kids doesn’t really leave me much option 😂 fucking hard graft though jesus what do these cunts want? 

Funny story actually, one literally wrote that he would get on with someone if they called him a cunt. So I’m like fucking sweet bit of me then, so I basically made a joke called him a cunt and no reply. Like what?! Someone asks to be called a cunt then doesn’t like it, jesus this is harder than I thought 😂😂😂 
I debated even writing that here because I feel a bit embarrassed. BUT I’m trying to tell myself not to be, as yin would say it’s 2019 everyone does it. I guess it’s the thought of perps reaction. Probs call me a deseperate slag but then I’ve heard it many a time so why should I be bothered now. I’m certainly not desperate, like I told my shrink I don’t need a man (well maybe for certain things 😂) I just would like some nice attention for once, because realistically apart from the years of 13-15 I’ve never had it. I’ve never dated as an adult, in fact noone has ever taken me on a date. It would just be nice to have a laugh, a little flirt and be treated with respect like an actual woman. 
I’m really not asking alot 🤷‍♀️

What I’m also finding hard is having to lie about my location and living arrangements…

“Hi, I’m a single mum of 2 living in a refuge after fleeing my violent husband” isn’t really gona go down well is it? 😂🤦‍♀️ fml.

I’m worried that my past has tainted me. I don’t want to be seen as a victim, I don’t want to be seen as weak or any less of a person because of it. I also don’t want to be seen as vulnerable, I am not getting into another abusive relationship, hell fucking no. 

Quite proud of myself actually as I think I noticed a red flag with one. Couple of times we spoke and for whatever reason I had to get off the phone etc and he said is that a hint you don’t want to talk to me? Oh your just saying that coz you dont want to talk to me.
WOAH red fucking flag alert!!
Paranoia after a few days of talking? No fucking thank you, goodbye! No time for that.

For now, I don’t need to explain my whole situation, it’s not needed and I hope that if I did actually get to that stage with someone and I then explained it that they would accept it. 
If they didn’t well clearly they aren’t the man for me.

I think I do actually have quite alot going for me you know, I’m not the best looking person in the world (though my arse is looking good 😂) but I’m not a minger! I’m very loyal, kind, hardworking and apparently very witty haha! I really hope one day someone sees that and I’m not going to settle for anything less. 

If your a complete arsehole or a fuckboy, on you jog sunshine.

Today is my 5 year anniversary of when I began lashing. I realised the date this morning and I was suddenly buzzing! Despite everything I have done pretty fucking damn amazing in my career. In 5 years I’ve achieved so much! I reckon people think I’m exaggerating when I say it saved my life, but it genuinely did.
I have so many plans for the next few years, as always I just gota be patient. My time will come and it will be SO worth it!

My boy has been struggling a bit, though being back at school means the support system we’ve put in place is really going to kick in and thank the fucking lord because I’m struggling with him.
He is so angry all of the time, he’s been quite aggressive and violent but also quite emotional. 2 days ago he tried to choke himself, I honestly didn’t know what to do. All he says is how much he hates himself and his life.
On one hand its frustrating because I’m doing everything I can and yes we are in a shit situation that I ultimately brought us in to, but only with the best intentions of a happy, safe future. Sometimes I feel so angry at him for being ungrateful for the life and the things he does have. 

But then on the other hand it’s absolutely heartbreaking, especially when he calms down and says he understands why we are here and he knows it isn’t my fault.

9 years old and he is basically suicidal.
Do you have any idea how much that hurts as a mother?

And yet, that absolute waste of space sperm donor cunt thinks his life is hard. He’s done this, he did all of this to us. Set aside all the shit he did to me this is what he has done to his own child. I’m telling you now NOONE in this world will ever hurt my children again. 

He has a support worker at school with weekly sessions, he has started his 2 weekly respite sessions with the DA charity for children. Both kids will be having separate sessions with another charity in school designed around alcohol and drug abuse (which they were subjected to) and my girl is also having weekly sessions about dealing with emotions.

I’m doing my absolute best here, I cannot physically do anymore. We just have to ride out these bad times and allow our souls to heal and become stronger.

Guess I should probs get them from school now 😂

Song for every blog… ( really because its in my head)

Freya Ridings – Castles

You left my love, you hit the target
You got that rush and then you walk out the door
You kept me small, it’s what you wanted
I never noticed
You held my hand into the darkness
I didn’t care, it made me just want you more
My god, your love, it seems so harmless
I never noticed

And I hate that you’re gone
And I hate that I don’t wanna let go
And I hate that you think that I’m weak
‘Cause I don’t wanna let you know

I’m gonna build castles
From the rubble of your love
From the rubble of your love
I’m gonna be more than
You ever thought I was
You ever thought I was

(My fav line from the end of the song)

I’m gonna be
Stronger
Than you ever thought I was 💪