It’s been a strange few days, and I’m not really too sure what to write because I just feel strange 😂🤷‍♀️

Life in refuge is so weird, the only way I can describe it is you are basically living in limbo. I have so much free time sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself but I have been more productive as of late. Trying to write myself to do lists and just organise my life a bit more. But the problem is I get so many thoughts and ideas and dreams in my head and then I overload myself and actually end up doing fuck all. One thing I’m starting to learn is to pace myself, sometimes I just stop and think, ok B, can you realistically do all of this shit? OR is this shit actually important right now? The answer is usually no!

Although having company here is nice sometimes, I would really like my own space. Sharing 1 room with 2 kids when your with them 24 hours every single day is fucking irritating if I’m honest. I love them, but it drives me insane.

So difficult being so far from everyone I love, although I can now talk to them whenever I want I’m still pretty isolated. A trip to see anyone is 1.5 hours each way, it’s not like I can drop in for a quick cuppa. I’m always on the road. My mental health is so much better when I’m around people. I’ve definitely noticed that my down days usually come once I’m back after being away with friends or family for a few days.

Like the last time I blogged, to be honest all I wanted was a cuddle from someone I love 😭 that’s probably the thing that hurts the most. I just wish so bad for my own place that’s closer or even if it was still far atleast they can also come to see us.

Few hours after I last blogged we ended up in hospital for 24 hours with my girl, literally had nothing with me not even a phone charger. I couldn’t take my boy to school either and it’s so frustrating not having any help around. But I guess even if they were closer it’s not like they could pop into my house and grab stuff, noone knows where I am, noone is allowed here either, of course I totally agree with it, it’s for the safety of everyone here not just us.

For the first time in a while I saw my old friends yesterday 👮‍♂️

Perp seems to think he can harass me and try to intimidate me through emails to my solicitor. His pathetic letters to the kids with his sly little comments. Mate, it ain’t gona happen. All your doing is adding to my already rather long list of evidence. So please, keep it up. So funny reading bits where he slips up and loses control. I bet it kills him 🤣

And yes I will keep trying to have you arrested because eventually you will just get banged up. Legit pray every day for it!

I’ve literally never known anyone post so much of their life on fb either, seriously who are you trying to kid? Your boring and just an absolute cringe mate. Thinking your some sort of sugar daddy who can have any bird, HOW you even managed to pull me in the first place is a miracle in itself.

I wonder if your ex left you or you left her? Doesn’t matter onto the next one, don’t take long does it. These poor women just have no idea…

And just saying your £170 odd quid trainers could’ve almost paid for court btw, LOL.

Enjoy your bike when ya get it, try not to be too careful, just go for it!! Hopefully you end up under a lorry.

I shouldn’t wish death on someone but 🤷‍♀️

Would you if you were me?

Imagine having to spend the rest of your life dealing with an absolute fuckwit who only cared about themselves. An evil, abusive, violent and selfish human who will lie til they are blue in the face even to their own children.

And no, you haven’t changed you just tell Facebook that 😂😂 HA cunt.

How many times did I hear that old chestnut? It’s laughable.

How can you change when you can’t admit what you did wrong in the first place? Oh no sorry I forgot it’s all lies 🙄

And I certainly don’t brain fuck my own children with lies, they had enough of that from you. I don’t need to speak about you, why would I? You think I sit there all day every day oh your dads this and your dads that. NA MATE. I ain’t wasting my breath, again you are not my focus and never will be, soz.

I think I’ve dealt with it all pretty good actually, it has thrown me a little but not like before. I’m definitely better at dealing with it, as always my subconscious says otherwise but whatevs I’m used to that. Would be nice to go to sleep and have peaceful dreams but such is life. I could be sleeping next to it still 🤷‍♀️😂

I’m not sure if I am religious or not, but I do thank god every single day that I’m free from him. No matter how bad life seems right now I’m no longer abused and controlled. I am free to be whoever the fuck I want to be. I can do what I want when I want with no consequence. I can wear what I want, watch what I want and listen to what I want. Go places when I want and not have to explain why, or have some really important reason to go.

Just because I FUCKING WANT TO.

Most of you reading this won’t be able to understand how amazing that is and actually I hope that you never have to.

So much in life that we take for granted, so much that we wish for. But ultimately true freedom is all that matters. Being in control of your own life is all that matters. Yeh maybe you will fuck up, we all make mistakes sometimes and wish we had done things differently.

And maybe you don’t have perfect lives, perfect relationships, perfect jobs, perfect houses or perfect children. But you are FREE AND IN CONTROL of your own destiny, your own dreams and your own fuck ups.

Be so god damn grateful for that.

Song for every blog has gota be…

Ultra Nate – Your free

When you’re down and you’re
Feeling bad
Everybody has left your side
Feels like no one will pull you through
It’s your life, whatcha gonna do?
Make that change, so let’s start today
Get outta bed, get on your way
Don’t be scared, your dream’s right there
You want it reach for it

‘Cause you’re free
To do what you want to do
You’ve got to live your life
Do what you want to do
C’mon and shout ’cause you’re free
To do what you want to do
You’ve got to live your life
Do what you want to do
Now’s the time ’cause you’re free

So I’m actually begining this blog at 4.40am mainly because my girl is poorly and keeps waking up, but I thought I would note down my dream as usually I don’t remember it.

I’ll continue it later in the day so it makes sense.

Firstly the last bit I remember is being in a house, I remember feeling anxious about it being clean even though we are separated in the dream.

The kids are in this living room and then in he comes. He just struts in and sits down on the sofa, and then turns to me and asks me what’s for dinner. In my head I’m thinking, but I’m not cooking you dinner only the kids. It sounds so silly but I just had the same feelings that I would if maybe we had had an argument and he had come home from work. It’s that feeling of tension, being on edge not knowing what’s going to happen. What is he going to say next, how do I respond in a way that doesn’t piss him off? I’m also thinking ok smile the kids are here, brave face is on lets keep this calm. But now I’m also thinking why the fuck are you in my house we aren’t together you shouldn’t be here. And at no point do I even respond because I’m too scared to. His presence and aura is too overwhelming to do anything I’m just frozen with my own thoughts whirling around.

What the fuck is this shit?!

Continuing this afternoon, my brain is like mush today and I feel really emotional. I’ve been in contact with a local counsellor and booked myself in next Wednesday for an assessment with her, its private and tbh I would much rather skint myself then keep waiting for the NHS. I can’t be dealing with this shit anymore it’s driving me insane. Just the phone call alone made me cry. I don’t want him in my dreams anymore and I don’t want to wake up feeling anxioust and lost after them. She laughed when I said I want to deal with it all. She said I think it’s going to be alot more than simply dealing with it, 12 years is a very long time! And she’s right, ah mate this is gona be fucking tough but I think I’m ready for it.

The day after the emails I was speaking with a friend (who is still on his fb) now I haven’t seen anything for a good 6 weeks or so and haven’t asked, however something made me ask. What followed was screen shots of him reposting my holiday pictures. The holiday just a few weeks ago. So, someone on my friends list has been sending them to him.

WHY?

I am so fucking angry, I don’t know who it is and although at first I thought I don’t care the next part of my dream tells me my subconscious says otherwise.

Someone has betrayed my trust, and for what? What exactly is anyone gaining of this? Though he hasn’t reposted photos of me (because he knows that is an instant arrest for breaching non-mol) I know he’s seen them, I DONT WANT THAT CUNT SEEING MY FUCKING PHOTOS. Although in a way hes gona see what hes missing, I’m really not fussed and I would rather he didn’t know what I was up to. Sob story that he gets to see his kids faces, MATE if you honestly, hand on heart really wanted to see your children you would cough up £215 and make the court application but NO. Because then you aren’t in control, it’s always got to be perps way or no way.

And as for him missing and loving me.

JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE SOMEWHERE.

Love?? You don’t know the meaning of the word mate. I ain’t your fucking girl, I ain’t your fucking wife and I am certainly not the key to your fucking heart. You heart is cold and empty. You miss me but you have a girlfriend? Funny that your still keeping her quiet, don’t want to look the bad guy do you?

And as for being in pain.

MY HEART FUCKING BLEEDS FOR YOU YOU CUNT FUCK.

You don’t know what pain is. But one day I hope you feel it, I hope you get that stomach churning deep ache in your heart that I have when I think of what you’ve done to me and my children.

In the direct hidden emails I am a child abuser, to the world I’m the love of your life. Make ya mind up!

Honestly, do you think I’m falling for you fucking bullshit? Never ever ever ever again. I know the game and I ain’t playing.

I now have a new Facebook so bad luck no more pics.

I wonder if the snake has any idea what they could of done. Luckily I am extremely careful and never publicly reveal my location or anything that could give away my location at the time. But imagine I wasn’t as clued up?

If he finds our location we will be moved instantly.

My children have already been uprooted once, imagine them having to again move schools, loose friends and the support they are receiving all so perp can have a fucking picture?

YOU STUPID IGNORANT PRICK.

Feel sorry for him do you? What about my children? Oh no I forget your clearly his friend so share the same views, as in you don’t give a fuck.

Does this snake have the balls to admit it? Course not. Pathetic and weak just like perp.

Here’s part 2 of my 4.40am write up..

The 2nd part is that I realise it’s my old friend from school that gave him the photos. The guy is on my original fb, we did date in like year 8 or something but in the end we were really good friends! Anyways in the dream I just had a feeling so I checked his fb and it showed he was friends with perp so i just asked him. We were messaging on messenger and he basically says he now lives near him and he seemed so sad about the kids and felt bad. The guy has kids himself and from what I can tell is a great dad, he was always a good person so then I understand why. But my heart is a little bit broken, someone I was so close to (in school I did speak about perp to him too) has completely betrayed my trust and genuinely now I’m crying because I felt so fucking hurt in the dream. I then told him to message me when he sees perp and I’m thinking ok now I gota delete these texts in case he finds them coz he will go off his nut BUT WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER AT THIS POINT. What the hell man 😫

The police then turn up randomly I think I did something bad earlier in the dream but I don’t quite remember it now.

So yeh my brain is on overdrive and I’m really, severely fucked off with it all. I do my best to not let him bother me but I can’t help it somehow, though I have learnt to cope with it better.

Perhaps now I’ve got that out I can get on with my day and my to do list, kids are back to school tomorrow and I have alot to do!

I can’t even think of a song which says how fucked my brain is today, perhaps I’ll add on later.

Until next time,

B xxx

As much as I didn’t want yesterday’s contact to affect me it did in my dreams. It’s extremely rare I think of him at all but I guess I have to learn that I will have always have triggers.

Sometimes I forget what I’ve been through because life is so much different now it feels like such a distant memory. My dreams show that although I may think I’m ok my brain is still processing so much trauma. Theres probably alot that has been pushed very far back deep into my subconscious.

I think I said before I don’t always remember the dreams but they are always about fighting his control and power. He’s just there. And I wake up feeling like he’s been there. I felt awful this morning, really on edge and emotional. It took a good few hours to snap out of it and get away from those feelings. I’m still on waiting lists for counselling which is getting a bit frustrating because what I don’t want is to get so far ahead and have to delve back into it. I would rather deal with it now and get it out of the way. Although this blog helps me enormously I need to be able to speak it and I guess really come to terms with what I’ve been through. I think perhaps I’ll look into private options now because I can’t really wait much longer.

So we are at a caravan for the weekend! So generously offered to us from a fellow lash artist. I’ve known her for a few years on social media, we weren’t close but knew of each other. She reached out when I shared my story and blog. We have never even met yet she was happy to offer us her caravan for a few days for free! The generosity and kindness just warms my soul. Everytime I think I already have so much support someone else comes along and surprises me with more!

I genuinely feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I have so SO much support, such an incredible system around me and I cannot thank you all enough. I don’t think I would of been strong enough to keep going without you all. Even just the little messages I receive daily keep me going. I don’t know how I will ever repay any of you, but I do know that I will keep sharing my story and campaigning to help end this shit and help as many other survivors as I can.

When we got here we were met with sweets, chocolates & muffins. The kids had toys & magazines, some activities to do like making their own bouncy balls! I had gifts too, a healing stone bracelet (literally never gona take it off) and 3 other little ones with wonderful messages on. Ah man, makes my lower lip and my eyes go 😭😭 I can’t even deal it’s just so god damn fucking sweet.

It just restores my faith in humanity, knowing how many kind people are out there gives me hope.

It also really hits me then what I have been through. For me it’s been my normality and my life for so long I guess I still down play it, the reactions of others is when I feel it the most and it does make me sad.

How does anyone treat someone like that?

How can you be such a cruel, evil individual?

Seeing families out and about is tough for me, now being a single mum doesn’t phase me at all. My parents weren’t together but they still managed to be amicable and raise me and my sisters well. Even to this day them and their new partners all get on and are friends. What upsets me is that my children don’t have a loving father.

Now, he can give it all that shit but he ain’t.

I NEVER wanted to be the woman who stopped her children from seeing their father and I still don’t want to be. But ultimately I have to weigh up the pros an cons of contact and right now the cons are winning by a mile.

From the day I left him all he has done is feed them with lies and try to use them. He thinks he’s going to use the letters as evidence in court, well let me tell you bitch I will also use them in court.

One thing he could never do is recognise that you have to be age appropriate with children. They never needed to know half the shit that has gone on, but unfortunately I’ve had to explain stuff to them that I probably wouldn’t of because he fucking told them. And he just tells them his versions, like Mummy’s trying to put daddy in prison.

No.

YOU put your fucking hands on mummy and broke the law, end of.

Nobody fucking told you to, if someone told you to jump off a bridge would you do it? NO unfortunately not because I’m not that lucky. I fucking wish 🙄

Writing about how your gona do this and that to get it to court. Like seriously, who is then going to have to explain to a 6 & 9 year old what family court is? Fucking muggins over here, you dumb fucking idiot 🤦‍♀️

THIS is why you have no contact and why I point blank refuse to show my children your letters because all you care about is yourself. You couldn’t care less about those children.

You know they ask me every single day when they can see their friends? And I have to answer I don’t know. I cannot risk taking them back to the area or being seen it’s just impossible.

Now of course it’s my fault, I took them from their home, their school, their friends.

I would of always moved out but you know what? You could of been the decent fucking person and quit ya fucking games. We could of lived there until we were moved, they could’ve stayed at their school and you could’ve had contact with them. If you were a decent enough parent I WOULD OF BEEN AMICABLE FOR MY CHILDREN.

But no.

You had to keep going and going and going. Making us suffer even more for your cunty actions. As if we hadn’t suffered enough. Never mind me but you had your own children living in fear without even being inside the house. The boy told me a little while ago that he was always scared of you breaking into the house and hurting me. He was a nervous wreck.

People that don’t know can judge and I couldn’t possibly care any less. What proves that I made the right decision more than anything is my boys behaviour.

He is a different child with you not around.

Everyone has noticed the change in him, he actually speaks now. He no longer bites his nails, he eats more and is slowly becoming more comfortable with his body.

So when you want to try come along with your little letters telling them how great your doing at the gym JOG THE FUCK ON coz we don’t want to hear it.

The sad part is sometimes he is like you and I fucking hate it. He has 2 personalities, one is me, one is you.

My personality is sweet, funny, caring and emotional.

Yours is selfish, ungrateful and entitled.

Sounds about right don’t it?

And from yours also comes his insecurities, his low self esteem, his sadness and his anger at himself. Do you know have any idea what it’s like to have your child say they hate themselves? Or that they don’t deserve to live?

Of course not, because you don’t care.

He is very slowly coming away from your badness, and I truly believe starting his respite sessions and gymnastics is going to help him so much.

I would give anything for my children to have a loving father and I so wish you could be that. Regardless of what you did to me my children come first and I would whole heartedly support the relationship. But unfortunately it will never be.

I’ve absolutely learned that you cannot change a person, no matter what you do. I don’t think you can ever change because you still don’t see or admit your wrongs. In your eyes you never laid a finger on me, but c’mon, we both know the truth.

All I can see right now in my head is your glaring evil eyes cms from my face with your hands round my throat, screaming at me and foaming at the mouth like an animal.

But obv I’m telling lies again, naughty me…

You disgusting human being!

Enough about perp.

I’m enjoying my double bed 😂

I’m also enjoying having my own space, seriously not worrying about taking long in the bathroom, washing up just my stuff with hot water, laying on a sofa watching TV it’s all a fucking luxury!!! You fuckers don’t know how good you got it 🤣

Man I cannot wait to have my own house, and it will be MINE. All fucking mine. A fresh start with nothing but happy memories.

Ahh, mind chilled.

Song for every blog…

(One of my absolute faves! It’s a banger make sure you listen to it!)

Tom Walker – Karma

Cause you get what you get
Why do they always fall for it?
And the truth will come out
You gona be left for dead, left for dead

Cause I believe in karma
And you believe in drama
You should try a little harder
Or karma’s gonna come for you
Cause I believe in karma
And you believe in drama, no, no, no, no
You should try a little harder
Yeah, or karma’s gonna come for you

Until next time,

B xxx

And so, the wanderer returns.

On my way to the seaside for a lovely little weekend away and ding goes my email, guess who’s back with a brand new rap?

Queue the eye rolls, everyone get ya violin out 🙄🙄🤣

Not entirely sure what’s kicked this one off but ok, I asked my solicitor not to forward on his shit because I don’t need to read it. But whatevs they’ve sent it on aswell as one from a few weeks ago.

My kids also do not need to read the letters attached. Any normal, sane, educated & mature parent would not discuss the shit he does in letters to his kids. Stopping my children from reading them is not child abuse my friend, YOU SENDING THEM THAT SHIT IS CHILD ABUSE.

It’s also the fact that you continue to try to use your own children to abuse their mother. That’s the only reason you want them around.

And precisely the reason you do not have contact with them.

Do your kids really need to be told daddy is staying alive? Fucking christ give me a break.

So first email was wishing the kids a good holiday and advising me not to leave them with anyone I didn’t know.

Thank you for the parenting advice, i’ll try to remember that next time it’s much appreciated.

He also wants my help to try to save his dog that attacked a 1 year old child, a dog that I never trusted and that I didn’t want. I am a firm animal lover btw and I do not blame the dog for his actions but rather the owner and previous owner, both I can imagine beat the poor thing. An incredibly sad situation but I am very glad it was not my children, I’m also glad said child is alive and well.

Please, don’t say that you miss me, it makes me vom. But to be fair you should miss me, because I am pretty fucking awesome.

My have you got yourself in some trouble and that’s coz you ain’t taking it out on me anymore, the whole world has seen your true colours because they aint within 4 walls anymore.

I’m sorry your in pain, my heart bleeds.

My boy does talk to his friends on the ps4, yes he has a brand new one. Someone who loves him bought him one so you could keep that along with pretty much everything else in the house. His friends already told us about how YOU contacted them.

You had every option to buy him a birthday present. So, you could drive to my mums house TWICE in one week to give us all shit but not to drop off a present? Hmm.. oh no wait, you didn’t have me there to buy it? Or my cash savings to dip into? Sorry I forgot 🤣

Also, for your information legally I am EXEMPT from mediation because of DOMESTIC ABUSE. I can refuse, I am allowed, I also have an incredibly long evidence list to support that fact.

My CCTV showed that the children were in fact only gone for 7 minutes before I realised they were gone that day you took them, not 47 minutes as you propose. When you produce your “crime reference number” for the phone call of alleged child neglect please include the phone record to state that length of time. I’m pretty sure the police are good at logging this so it shouldn’t be an issue.

You may also produce the video footage of me loosing my shit. I admitted & accepted my caution for criminal damage, and my ahem, alleged assault charge was no further actioned due to insufficient evidence.

Surprising really because welly boots can often cause pretty serious injuries…

Also, all of your convictions actually did have evidence, photographic included. Hence you plead guilty to all of them, you knew you wouldn’t win. I don’t need to tarnish anyones name I simply speak the truth.

But I guess all these blogs, all those hundreds of pages of police & court statements could be lies. Plus leaving my home and my business. Man I must have a wicked imagination to dream up 12 years of shit, maybe I should of been the actor 🤣

Also, it’s 6 months, not 5.

I imagine it’s hard work building a case for court, very tiresome. You must be pretty skint if after 6 months of paying no bill’s, no rent, no child maintenance that you still can’t come up with £215 to make an application to court.

Paying off debts? HA I’m the one paying British gas off til 2025 after being left with a 4k bill. I wonder what used so much electric, oh no sorry it was my salon wasn’t it.

I guess your new gf must of paid for your holiday then, what a sweetheart. She must also be buying your motorbike that you told the kids in the letter you were getting. Cor, you’ve hit the jackpot with that one mate! Go on son!

Wonder what happened to the 3 or 4k you got for selling your car? Weird.

Don’t panic, I don’t want or need your money for my children. I am perfectly capable of providing for them. I would rather beg on the streets. And in fact if you had my children I would beg on the streets for money for court.

But see thats the difference between you and I, no matter how much they piss me off at times I would give my life for them. I will do everything and anything for them. I will forever protect them with my life just like I’ve always done.

I don’t need to tell them anything about you, I don’t need to tarnish your name because you did that all by yourself.

One day maybe we will get to court, and maybe you will be granted access but I’m not scared of it. We will be ready and strong enough to face you.

Do not think for one single second I am still scared of you or your threats. I will forever rise above it, I will not abuse or disrespect you to or infront of my children because that’s not me. You are no longer my focus, I AM MY FOCUS. And when I become my own focus is when I am 100× stronger than you ever could possibly dream to be.

My children will know that I am their stable parent, I will teach them boundaries and respect. I will show them how to be a good people with or without you in their lives.

So please carry on preaching your sob story to whoever will listen, it goes over my head darling.

See you in court!

Ps, sign my divorce papers thanks 👌

Song for every blog…

Demi Lovato – Sorry

Now I’m out here looking like revenge
Feelin’ like a ten, the best I ever been
And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt
To see me like this, but it gets worse
Now you’re out here looking like regret
Ain’t too proud to beg, second chance you’ll never get
And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this
But it gets worse

Now payback is a bad bitch
And baby, I’m the baddest
You fuckin’ with a savage
Can’t have this, can’t have this
And it’d be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Being so bad got me feelin’ so good
Showing you up like I knew that I would
Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)
Feeling inspired ’cause the tables have turned
Yeah, I’m on fire and I know that it burns

Until next time,

B xxx

So was on my work phone earlier (my old phone) and google drive pops up with photos so I had a scroll, and I found screen shots from the messages of that last night so I thought I would share. The way perp talks to me here is standard, this was every day life for me. When I now read it I think wow, I actually let someone talk to me this way? Let’s also bare in mind when he’s calling me a tramp and implying I’ve gone off to fuck someone that he had just assaulted me and threw me out.

Would you believe this was my “husband”

Also a couple of pics of bruising to my legs and chest (but apparently there was no photo evidence) I took a few days later, doesn’t include the other leg that was cut open, it still bares a scar now! Or the bruising from on backs of my arms from the grabbing.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to share them today but I do.

Ps that phone screen is cracked because of him obvs.

“Tramp dare you come back when turn phone on”

For the first time in ages I see his face in my mind too, those evil fucking eyes and the snarl on his face.

It does makes me angry that I allowed myself to be treated that way. I literally had no self worth. I must of believed that was all I was worth and that’s pretty damn horrifying.

Earlier my boy asked me what the furthest I had walked was, and I just had a vision of walking home after he dropped me off somewhere. We would often be rowing in the car and he would just stop and make me get out and walk.

So I guess today I’ve had flashbacks? PTSD for you I guess 🤷‍♀️

I remember walking down the road towards home thinking please noone see me, please noone stop and ask why I’m walking. I hated being kicked out and having to walk the streets, it was so embarrassing. The amount of times I’ve sat in bus stops, parks, fields. I slept in the field once, in the middle of the day. He kicked me out for whatever reason so I went to the fields so noone would see me about and all I wanted to do was sleep so I could get away from it all, so I laid down in the grass and went to sleep. Got woken up by a woman walking her dogs she must of thought I was off my rocker.

Why didn’t I tell someone? Why didn’t I ask for help?

I don’t know the answers and I guess no survivor does or will ever know. Control of the mind is just so complex and difficult to understand.

My career was a huge reason that I stayed for so long, and even though I miss it every single day so badly, nothing was ever worth that.

Nothing is worth being physically and mentally abused every single day.

And nothing is worth the crippling anxiety of trying to hide it every single day.

I hated being seen by the neighbours after or during a row, I knew what they heard and I knew what they were thinking and I was so ashamed.

Do you know how many times he threw my stuff out onto the street? One time it was all my beauty stuff too, imagine how fucking embarrassing it is trying to desperately pick all your shit up of your front garden before people start to notice. Meanwhile he’s bellowing out the front door or the window launching more shit out.

Packing my stuff was like a monthly thing, a bit like a period. He would go to my wardrobes, rip it all out (if he was being generous he would black bag it all up) mostly though it would be thrown down the stairs or at me. In the end I didn’t care about clothes I just always tried to protect my lash stuff. I’d be praying please no not my stock for fucks sake 😫

When we were on holiday getting ready I realised I had no highlighter, then I remembered thats because he stamped up and down on my make up bag and it smashed and thats why I didn’t have any.

Not long before I left we were trying to move our room around and the drawer under my side of the bed was being a pain. So he ripped it out, tipped everything out of it all over the bedroom and then blamed me for it telling me I was a messy unorganised fucking prick. Then continued to rant and rave at me whilst I picked it all back up.

GOD IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

How fucking dare you!!

You vile waste of oxygen. Should of been a poxy fucking wank stain on your parents sheets.

At no point ever in my future life will I allow anyone to do that shit to me, and certainly not a man.

I definitely feel more secure now, yes I would like someone to give me a spoon but other than that I’m good. I think I’ll just be the “hoe” that he thinks I am and that’s that, you can all fucking do one coz let’s face it pretty much all men are cunts. And if they aren’t a cunt they are probably already taken.

I guess that’s that, mind at peace now though I have a feeling tonight’s dream is gona be a bit shit.

Song for every blog…

Ps, Have you imagined what his face will be like when he eventually discovers this blog? Amazing 😂😂😂😂😂

Pussycat Dolls – I don’t need a man

I don’t need a man to make it happen,

I get off being free,

I don’t need a man to make me feel good,

I get off doing my thing,

I don’t need a ring around my finger,

To make me feel complete,

So let me break it down,

I can get off when you ain’t around

Until next time,

B xxx

Omg I can’t believe I missed it!!

Yesterday was 6 months since I left that dick, WAHOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh my gawwwd I am so proud of myself right now. Except for missing it coz I wanted to do a special blog but here it is 24 hours late it’s all good 😂

I cannot believe it, how the FUCK I survived these last 6 months let alone 12 years I have no idea. It’s been fucking hell on earth but I did it!

The best decision of my whole entire life. And you know what? I no longer feel ashamed that I didn’t leave before, because now I realise that I couldn’t of. My mind wasn’t strong enough and my mind wasn’t ready. One thing I always knew is that when I did leave it would be all or nothing. And one thing that helped was NO CONTACT.

No contact is absolutely crucial when leaving an abuser, because their words alone can reel you right back in. And he tried it, oh lawwwwwd did he try it. He tried hard I’ll give him that. And of course they will, you think they’ve spent all those years working so hard to get you under control that they just gona let you go like that? Not a chance.

We are actually very important to them, coz without us what are they?

What are you now perp? An absolute cunt fuck that noone likes, noone will tolerate anymore because I’m not there, you have no aspirations, no real dreams, no determination, no real friends or family and no love.

What am I now? A free, fun, loving, strong, stubborn, determined young woman who has the world at her feet mate.

How’s that feeling right now?

I have incredible friends and family, a whole fucking army of women behind me rooting for me, 2 beautiful children and the most amazing career that I built all whilst you tried your hardest to tear me down.

But listen, I got back up.

You literally had the most amazing woman in your life and you fucked it.

#gutted 😂

You may pretend to be happy with your new victim, but you are not capable of love and you never will be.

Abusers cannot physically love, they don’t understand emotions and they don’t feel them. In those nice stages they are simply pretending because they know thats what we want to see and what we expect to see because we are good people. We assume that others are just like us. But unfortunately not, devils in disguise.

And aren’t they good at acting? Holy shit someone get this cunt an Oscar! 😂

I remember telling some of my clients what he was really like after I left and some were SO shocked. Said he seemed so polite and helpful! Well yeh, to everyone else he did of course. But if you got close enough you would see the cracks.

He also knew this and this is why he tried so hard to isolate me, again like they all do.

Isolation is KEY to control.

Finding excuses to dislike friends and family, oh this person never makes effort with you, this person says stuff about you behind your back, they did this to this person they aren’t a good friend/sister etc. So you doubt your circle and begin to withdraw, and who’s there playing the nice guy? Suddenly they are the only person you can trust.

They will also find things to pick at about you being around them, so if it’s the opposite sex they will accuse you of cheating or accuse them of trying it on with you etc and because you then feel really awkward and uncomfortable you no longer see or speak to them. You begin avoiding people.

And what about going places? You know what that prick always told me, you never take your kids anywhere unless it suits you. So for instance out with other mums in the holidays, LIKE ANY NORMAL MOTHER DOES TO GET OUT THE HOUSE AND HAVE SOME PEACE PRICKFACE. (Soz I do sometimes thing I have torets 😂) Or, I never wanted to do anything with the kids as a family only by myself because I hated him.

So, I rarely went out with the kids with other mums. But then I’d get, you never fucking do anything with your kids, all you care about is work bla bla, fucking bla.

And actually, he was correct, I didn’t want to go anywhere with him coz he was such a fucking embarrassment.

Honestly I fucking CRINGE at the thought of being anywhere near you. HOW did you actually get near me in the first place? Punching much.

This has led quite nicely to this actually coz this thought has been in my head a bit and it needs to come out..

You may think his shit happened behind closed doors only but it didn’t, it also happened in public. One very vivid memory I have is in a restaurant sometime last year I think.

Whenever we went anywhere the cunt fuck went drunk. Honestly who goes out in the middle of the day with their kids absolutely steaming? Pathetic scumbag.

But he’s not an alcoholic.

Na, course not. Keep telling yaself that pal 😂

Anyway we were going out for dinner, to Miller and Carter our fav restaurant! Only one the kids wouldn’t moan at going to, fucking expensive taste or what man. We knew we were going all day so I begged him please, please dont drink until we get there.

But of course, he sank a few before we left the house and then on the way there in the car. Yes he always drove under the influence with his kids in the car. Another medal for worlds best father right there.

He was fucked by the time we got there. Literally swaying at the fucking table. He was always drunk in restaurants and I couldn’t bare it, when the waiters would try take our order he would take forever and ramble on about random shit that they didn’t even ask. Honestly their faces made me want to DIE right there on the spot.

I would try so hard not to get annoyed but I couldn’t help it. It is that much to ask to not be drunk around your own children? He would flit between nit picking at me to being nice, and eventually I would get the hump and bam there we have it IT’S ALL FUCKING MY FAULT.

I’m the moody cunt who spoils everything.

So something kicked off like always and he starts going off on one in the middle of the restaurant. There’s me trying to be quiet and reason with him and calm the situation, face turning bright red because I can feel the whole world staring.

Then he stands up, rips his wedding ring off and fucking launches it at me.

In the middle of a restaurant infront of our kids.

Do you have any idea how degrading, upsetting and humiliating that is?

Then he begins to walk out but stops infront of the couple next to us.

And he starts shouting at the woman something along the lines of..

“And what the fuck are you looking at eh? Have a good old stare you fucking pricks”

I think any normal person would of been staring to be honest.

I then had to sit there for another 15 minutes whilst the kids got their deserts with the whole restaurant staring at us and talking. All I wanted to do was cry I was so hurt, and not only for the situation that had just occurred but for what was coming next. I knew he would be waiting outside in the car working himself up and quite frankly I was fucked. I could of left earlier but I didn’t want to let the kids miss their pudding 😫 why should they miss out because of him? So as always I held it together and put my brave face on for them.

I guess I was too a good actor!

It took me about 9 months to go back to that restaurant again.

I don’t quite remember what happened when we got home, too many incidents to remember them all.

Cor I’m tired now, my brains done in I gota call it a night.

Song for every blog, hope you one day sing it and weep motherfucker 🤣

Christina Aguilera – Fighter

“Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I’d realize your game
I heard you’re goin’ round playin’, the victim now
But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame
‘Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies cause you’re wanting to haunt me
But that won’t work anymore, no more,
It’s over
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now and never back down
So I want to say thank you
Cause it

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you’ll see
You won’t stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain’t goin’ stop
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough”

Until next time,

B xxx

So, I’m partly blogging today because I’m being asked too (you know who you are 🤣) and I guess the whole point is to put my feelings out there not just making a good read so fuck it I might bore ya but whatevs 😂

Its 11pm and my brain is going fucking nuts. 200million mph. I feel alright, like my mind feels happy. But it’s a happy anxiety, happy anxiety ALWAYS means sad anxiety is on route. Fml.

Day started off bad, broken nights sleep as usual I don’t remember the dream but he was in it so it’s a bad one. I felt really anxious waking up and pretty low. If we hadn’t had a day out planned I 100% would of stayed in bed.

A positive part of today was we went on a trip with the whole house, we went to a kids theme park which was paid for by them. The coach was paid for by a charity! It never ceases to amaze me the generosity of others and how many kind souls there are out there!

Waiting to get on the coach my eyes filled I thought I don’t want to be doing this shit today, I don’t want to socialise today, I hate everyone today. But I did manage to snap out of it and have a good few hours with the kids!

Then manic anxiety kicked the fuck in. Got home had a coffee and I was buzzing about, dancing making dinner. Then I cleaned (my turn to clean my floor) then I did a 30 minute work out.

Yes, I suddenly decided to work out. If you know me you know this is strange, genuinely don’t know what’s become of me 🤣 I thought maybe it would help me sleep!

Got the kids to bed and here I am fucking wide eyed full of beans! Baring in mind I could barely walk this morning I was so tired. My chest is tight too which I haven’t actually had for a good 2 weeks. My neck is tight too, usually that comes from tension. I can’t think straight at the mo, too many fucking tabs open I wish it would chill out.

My hormones are a prick, my period keeps changing just seems to come and go when it wants to. Annoying as I’ve always been consistent my whole life no matter what contraception I’m on or even after the kids. That’s a sure way of your body telling you its stressed.

Anxiety is also a prick, sometimes I’m full of worry and it’s a real panicky feeling. Or I have manic thoughts and energy like now.

Why can’t I just be normal? Ok I don’t really know what that is but jeez give me a break man.

I posted a question on a forum I’m on tonight, I had been wanting to ask it for a while but I guess maybe I didn’t want to know the answer? Or I thought it was stupid. But the reactions tell me it wasn’t!

So, pretty much every day perp used to “loose” things. Now I know we all misplace things occasionally, and men and children are hideously bad at looking for them, but this was alot.

He could loose… his keys, his wallet, his phone, his shoes, a certain item of clothing, a piece of paper, a tool, the joint he just rolled 1 minute before or even the beer he was drinking at the time.

It would go like this.

“Wheres my…..”

Within approximately 30 seconds to a minute it would be my fault. If I wasn’t found to be looking instantly that was it I was in for it.

“Your always fucking touching my stuff, why have you moved it? Have you hidden it? Why aren’t you helping me look for it? Oh that’s because you don’t give a fuck, on your fucking phone as usual. You care more about your fucking lash shit that me, look at the fucking state of this place look at this shit everywhere, if you weren’t so fucking messy I would be able to find stuff”

And what would be happening during this time is the house would be getting torn the fuck apart. Whole draws emptied onto the floor, shit thrown off the sides, cupboards ripped out, bin tipped upside down. All whilst tearing me a new fucking arse hole verbally because I moved it.

Even when I would find such item in a place where I never would of touched it, it was still MY FAULT.

As soon as I heard that phrase “where’s my” my heart would be racing, I would stop whatever I was doing to find it as quick as possible to stop the madness. I remember sometimes I would be working and he would come to the window mouthing at me asking me where such and such was and it was fucking terrifying. He would keep coming out staring at me with those evil fucking eyes mouthing abuse at me while I was trying to work. Its brought a tear to my eye remembering that fear.

Occasionally I would stop work to help look too.

I asked if anyone believed he did this on purpose and the majority believe yes. It seems a common tactic, an easy way to have me scared shitless and on edge without too much effort. Win win ay?

Sometimes it went as far as to turn physical just because he had lost something and it was my fault. You wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve had thrown at me. This was like his fav thing to do!

Phones, books, remotes, cups, kids toys, washing baskets, shoes, tools, his wedding ring, car keys, car stereos, once a car jack (when pregnant) clothes, ironing board, chairs, coffee tables, THE FUCKING BIN YOU CUNT. And probs more.

Sad story about the coffee table.

Towards the end I used to just go downstairs and try to sleep during an argument because I couldn’t be fucked, to be honest I was normally booted out the bed and told to fuck off anyways so off I would go!

I always knew he would follow me, could be 2 mins later, or 2 hours later then I would be woken by him for more arguing. Quite a few times I would be half asleep on the sofa and he would run down the stairs into the living room and grab the coffee table and launch it at me, but I learnt.

I learnt to come downstairs and arrange everything in a certain order to protect myself, or to stop as much damage as possible or slow him down. I would move the foot stool to the side of the wall and the coffee table to the opposite side of the wall. Being here meant they weren’t in his walk way to me, it did mean he would get to me quicker but the speed and strength at which he could launch that coffee table was a far bigger threat than his hands. I’m incredibly surprised I didn’t suffer more physically from it to be honest but my reactions are quick and I can dodge pretty well!

I would as always be in either my dressing gown or coat too with shoes on, pockets filled with essentials in case I needed a spell outside LIKE A FUCKING DOG.

If you ever came in to my old house and looked at all furniture and walls you would of seen how much shit was thrown, this is also why we didn’t have many doors.

The sound of my house being ripped apart was horrific. Just sitting there listening to things being snapped, thrown against walls, thrown down the stairs fills me with pure dread, that definitely seems to trigger something in me my heart keeps skipping a beat reading it back.

It horrifies me knowing how scared I was to think how my children felt. They often dodged flying objects too. Then watching me clean it all up asking me why Daddy did it.

What an awful, awful way to live.

That makes me so sad, I cannot describe to you what a horrific atmosphere there was in our home. It just wasn’t a home at all.

Yesterday my boy got upset, he said he feels like he ditched his friends at his old school, my girl then agreed.

I obviously reassured them, then he said,

” It’s ok mummy, I know that you tried for as long as you could to keep us there. We know you did”

Oh my heart.

I tried my boy, mummy tried so hard to keep your home and your friends.

The 2 strongest little souls I’ve ever known, even if they do piss my off daily I love them more than they will ever understand.

Now I do finally feel tired.

I’m actually too tired for the song too, brain can’t think anymore!

Until next time,

B xxx

What do you know, anxiety is back.  

And quite frankly, I’m fucking pissed the fuck off.

Coming home (refuge) was a reality check. Why can’t I just be in my own home & running my business & living life? I know I have to be patient but sometimes I’ve just fucking had enough. 

Yes I’ve got the right hump today and I’m blaming dickface cunt fuck prick.

Just like it always does the bubble of happiness has burst and now I’m crying for the millionth time today over nothing because I’m so angry at myself for being sad. I don’t want to be sad anymore and I don’t want my kids to see me sad anymore. And I’m sobbing on my fucking beautiful eyelashes fucking arseholes 😭

No matter how good I start feeling it always comes back to this and I don’t want to feel this anymore. I’ve been so God damn patient waiting for a life ffs why can’t it just be done with and over and life be fucking glorious already. 

I just long to have that happy B all the time. I want to be a good mum and work hard. I can’t even provide properly for my kids right now and I know that I have a business that will do just that I just cant fucking do it. A business that is also so good for my soul. I miss working so so so much, why can’t I just get a break?

I know that life could be so much worse though, I just need to have my dramatic moment and get my big girl pants back on. 
 
Wonder if I shall sleep properly tonight? Prob fucking toss and turn as usual. Though I did get my CBD capsules today so I am hoping they may help, I was a heavy smoker before leaving perp (told you I was honest) It was the only way I could get through the evenings with him. Christ you gota have something to block out the ranting. 

I cannot tell you how much I do not fucking miss the cunts voice. Droning on and on and on about shit. Usually about himself too, so self centred it was untrue. And he told me I was boring? Ha!  

To be fair I probably was boring around him, he drained me of life, energy, laughter and in the end, love. 

You know Christmas has always been a big thing for me, my Christmases as a child were amazing and it was something that I wanted for my kids to remember, every year mum fucking loved Christmas!!!
So stockings in our family are the big thing. So big and full you can’t even lift it just drag the cunt 🤣🙌  always filled with toiletries, new pjs, underwear and socks. Sweets, chocolates, diaries, hair bands, hair brushes, makeup wipes and then some pointless random shit thrown in for good measure. 

Who the fuck does not love a stocking??? 

Perp that’s who.

Every year he tried to kill my buzz, I filled the kids with so much shit it was unreal but you know what? They LOVE it and so do I!!! 
“Urgh, you just waste money and fill it with absolute shit”
Well duh, that’s the whole point.

The year before last I decided to go all out on him, I bought SO much. Toiletries, pants, socks, aftershave, funny joke stuff like a shit sign that goes outside the toilet and a book on how to deal with PMS. Thoughtful funny gifts!! 
Plus main presents that were expensive.

I put so much thought and effort into that year.

And you know what? Thrown back in my face at the next argument a few days later and subsequent arguments in future.

” You never buy me anything that I actually want but pointless fucking bullshit. Never wanted any of it didn’t ask for it, really its because 
you don’t actually give a shit do ya”
That hurt man.  

What hurt more is that he did the same to my mum. He always told everyone the same sob story that noone ever bothered at Christmas when he was a kid so my whole family went out of their way to buy for him and to try make it thoughtful. My mum spent so much on him.
But again, she only bought shit didn’t she?

Arrrrgggggghhh CUNT!!!

He didn’t deserve any of it, not even a lump of fucking coal should ever be wasted on him.  

So, the next Christmas (by this point I couldn’t of given 2 single fucks about him) I said na I ain’t buying you fuck all because you never like it and never appreciate it. If there’s something you would like then I will but if you don’t tell me you get nothing.

I told him this for months. He asked for 1 or 2 little things I think so I got them and nothing else.

And what do you know? 

I got the same fucking response except this time I was too busy buying for all my friends to buy for him apparently. 

Only only about ya fucking lash mates…
Well yeh, actually.

And I was right too, day before Christmas eve I took a couple of jabs in the head before being booted out the house for a while again, not sure what for probably one of those 100s of affairs I had because I’m such a fucking HOE 🙄 

Maybe I should of been a hoe, atleast it would of been slightly worth it 🤣🤷‍♀️

After the wedding I didn’t care for occasions anymore. Cor the fucking shit I got for not wishing him a Happy Anniversary on Facebook.

No I don’t want to post on Facebook that we made it to 12 years because I’m fucking ashamed mate! I don’t want to write I love you because I don’t. I fucking despise you with every bone in my body. So when you told me the reasons why I didn’t post on Facebook, yes perp you were correct. I hated your guts mate.

12 YEARS OF MY LIFE WASTED on a selfish, pathetic weak excuse of a man. The one who thinks he’s so fucking tough, what for beating up ya Mrs? Proper fucking hard you are.

I would love to face him now. I wouldn’t say a word. Just a smile. 

A smile that says I won bitch.

God help any male cretin in future that thinks he can fuck with me, not ever gona happen honey!

I may be emotional at times but I am a fucking bad ass with a strong mind, noone in this world will be able to break me once I’m done healing. 

Well, after this and some pep talks from my incredible friends as always I feel better.

Ps, how many swear words can you fit in one blog? 🤣

Song for every blog…

Lily Allen- Smile

I was so lost back then,
But with a little help from my friends,
I found a light in the tunnel at the end.

At first when I see you cry,
Yeh it makes me smile,
I go ahead and smile.

At worst, I feel bad for a while,
But then I just smile,
I go ahead and smile.


Until next time,
B xxx

Have you missed me?!?

What an amazing holiday I just had! Apart from a little anxiety here and there and the fucked up dreams it was so beautiful!

Coming back into the UK freaked me out, I kept wondering if I was gona be stopped. When we walked out of departures (where everyone waits) my heart literally stopped and my eyes were scanning everywhere. For a second I thought I saw him but I didn’t. Fucking shit my pants.

But what a wonderful feeling it is to be completely relaxed and at peace. I feel like my soul is slowly beginning to heal.

I’m not naive enough to think I’m suddenly all better and life is gona be easy, for one I’m still homeless 😂🙈 and I still can’t really work. We will be moving areas once we have our forever home so I can’t put any roots down at the mo. I really hope once we are back home I don’t slip backwards because I’m feeling pretty damn good at the minute but I am gona have bad days.

Sleeping is pissing me right off, or lack of it. I’m still so awake til stupid o’clock no matter how tired I feel in the day. I wake up feeling like I’ve not been to sleep, I duno if I’m skipping the deep sleep bit (I’m certainly no sleep expert) I have a dream then wake up, dream then wake up, this is consistent throughout the night maybe 3 or 4 times. There was a freaky one last night I can’t quite remember it but it woke me suddenly. It’s like the less my mind thinks of it all during the day the more it affects me at night. I’m still medication free and think this is the right way to go. My brain has got me through so much already on it’s own I can do this too! The brain is a powerful thing you know. Maybe the dreams are my brains way of healing my subconscious?

My chest hasn’t been tight, apart from the odd time yipee! I’ve also put back on the few pounds I lost whilst on meds so back on track, 16lbs up from my lowest 💪

I feel like a little bit of me is back, although it’s weird coz I don’t really know who that is still but I sort of recognise her if that makes sense? A little bit of the happy, bubbly 15 year old I remember.

Definitely growing a little bit of womanly confidence too. Whenever I used to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere I would look down. Now I keep my head up, well most of the time eye contact is still a little hard but I’m trying!! It is weird having male attention but I quite like it 💁‍♀️😂 Even the kids said mummy everyone looks at you ha!

I feel like I’ve laughed more in the last 2 weeks than I have done in probably years!

Kids are doing well, my boy is like a different child. He still has the odd meltdown but instead of daily it’s like weekly now if that. He will be starting sessions with a local charity from September, they only work with children who have witnessed domestic abuse. They aim to give them a safe place to talk, to relax and have fun. Building confidence whilst healing, it’s like respite for him, I’m so happy and grateful.

We’ve had a good 5 weeks of peace too, maybe he has finally given up?! Or he’s busy plotting his next shitty game, who knows but I’m enjoying it while it lasts. It is incredibly sad the kids now don’t have a relationship with their father but I have to put their emotional well being first. Seeing him may make them smile at first, but long term it’s going to be damaging. Again I know one day it’s probably going to happen, until then I will build their mental strength up as much as I possibly can. They have enough amazing adults and role models around them for now, bringing only positive influences.

I’m still waiting to hear back from mental health, was supposed to come back to me within a few days but it’s been about 2 weeks I think. It’s fucking annoying because I want this shit out of my head and done with. I was offered a counselling slot with the charity at the old home but I can’t go back to the area so 🤷‍♀️

I haven’t been back there in maybe 2 months? I won’t risk it, no point. Secret service life in full swing still! That’s the thing that scares me for the future, I can’t stay hidden for the rest of my life. Especially when I go back to work full time I’m not really sure how it’s going to go but I guess I will figure it out!

I guess this is how it feels to live. I’m no longer just surviving, it’s weird as fuck to do what I want when I want but I’m loving it!!!

If your reading this and you have just left an abusive relationship or you are thinking of leaving never ever doubt for 1 single second if you are strong enough to keep going. Because YOU ARE.

Those first few months are fucking tough man, tougher than anything you could possibly imagine. Learning to trust yourself is so difficult, trying to undo the mental damage is so challenging but it is POSSIBLE. I would bet my life on it that you will not regret it. The only regret you will have is not leaving sooner.

Guilt and anger are huge emotions you have to overcome, you question yourself time and time again why did I stay? Why didn’t I leave sooner? But there is no simple answer to those questions. Your mind has been controlled by another person, you weren’t able to make those decisions, you didn’t trust your gut instinct because you were programmed not to.

Unless you have been in this situation you cannot understand why it isn’t possible to “just leave”.

Noone can tell you when that may be, only YOU can make that decision. When that inner strength has finally fucking had enough and you think right I’m done now.

If you have a friend or a family member going through domestic abuse please, please do not turn your back on them, I know that it’s hard to witness but you just have no idea how much just having 1 person to talk to means. Just for them to know you will be there when the time is right is enough.

If anyone feels they need to reach out please don’t hesitate to. I’m not at the end of my journey yet but my experience so far has taught me so much.

If you need advice or support to leave, I am here.

If you aren’t quite ready to leave, I am here.

If you aren’t sure whether you are in an abusive relationship or not, I am here.

If you have a friend or family member you need to support, I am here.

Whether you are female or male, I am here.

We can do this together!

Song for every blog…

Jess Glyn- I’ll be there

Oh, oh, I’ll be there
When you need a little love, I got a little love to share
Yeah, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna come through
You’ll never be alone, I’ll be there for you

Until next time,

B xxx

When I look back now at the last 12 years I realise one thing I truly missed out on was friendship. I never really had a best friend.

Again I have many close friends, one of which I also met through lashing. This one finds it very hard to read this blog! She never really knew what was going on, only small parts. She was the best friend that kept me hanging on in life for the last 3 years. No matter what I did tell her she stuck by me, she never judged she just listened but always gave her opinion in a kind way (and yes, you are always fucking right god damn it 😂) She’s my long distance best friend, I so wish I could see her more often but knowing she’s there on my Whatsapp every single day without fail makes me so happy. I love you yang!

Another best friend is my oldest bestie, she’s 100% gona be blubbing to this soz mate 😂 She never had any idea what was going on, I purposely kept her at arms length not wanting our friendship to be ruined by perp. Where the fuck would I be without her the last 6 months I have no clue. When I’m disorganized she’s there with a to do list and a plan, when I’m being dramatic she tells me to shut the fuck up and get on with it, and when I’m sad she sends me memes to make me smile. It’s a shame it took all this to make us as close as we were when we were 3 but I would do it all again. I truly love you.

All of them are my best friends just like different best friends for different things. And I genuinely would go through that shit all over again if someone told me that’s the kind of people you will have by your side at the end.

Bestie is the friend that I will talk to about just about anything in life. She’s my sleepover bestie (it helps she doesn’t have kids, apart from adopting mine 😂) she’s my I could spend every second of every day with you and not be sick of you bestie. She brings such a calming and comfortable aura to our lives.

I just genuinely don’t know where I would be without her and I truly truly believe she was sent into my life for a reason, and that reason was to help me get my freedom.

Also should add we are here for a reason, its another of my besties weddings!! This woman has also supported me so much, including giving me space to stay when I was so close to leaving for good. She also kept my business going at those times that I couldn’t and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I think the wedding might be a trigger for me so I apologise now if I cry too much and to bestie coz shes gona be the one dealing with me after. It will be a little bitter sweet for me of course, but I will be so happy to see a day filled with true love, it’s gona be magical!

This holiday will be the best of my life, and the best of the kids too. No stress, no fighting, no shouting and no arguments.

Just love and laughter. That proper deep belly almost piss your fucking pants laughter that bestie brings to our lives.

And most importantly, a happy smiling Mummy.

I’m gona go to sleep with the biggest grin on my face feeling so fucking thankful for you all.

And remember bestie, I LOVE YOU MORE.

 
Ps, this blog was so long I had to split it in 2. Thought I lost the 2nd half I was screwing but somehow found it 😂

Song for every blog…

Monica – Angel

When I first saw you,
I already knew,
There was something inside of you,
Something I thought I’d never find,
Angel of mine

Until next time,
B xxx