This morning I was in such good spirits that I absofuckinglutely could of predicted the pending meltdown. 

As always a good weekend away means a painful bump back to reality upon returning to refuge. 

I can’t reveal too much due to the safety aspect but things are potentially looking better, we could be out of here soon. But soon just isn’t soon enough.

I feel like my mental & physical health are declining rapidly the longer I am here. 

I want to go back to fucking work right fucking now. No buts no fucking ifs I’m done waiting, I want right now. I have 0 patience left.

I feel like I’ve been left behind, everyone’s just living their lives as normal and I’m just here stuck. Literally stuck doing FUCK ALL. My brain has way too much time to think but not about anything remotely fucking productive at all. All I see when I look around me is a constant reminder of where we are and why.

It’s been 8 months since I left him and the longest 8 months of my entire life. 

Yes I have regained most of my freedom, and control over most of my life but not all of it. And some of it I’ll probably never have. Yes I can move out of here but now I will always have to live life like some sort of secret fucking agent because the authorities do little to control the problem and that is highly unlikely to change.

He is also never going to change, still trying to manipulate & control me by attempting to manipulate my son and his friends. Can we just be aware they are 9 years old? Never ends.

Although I am desperate to leave this place I’m also scared to be on my own and the list of things I need to do and buy is just so overwhelming. How I wish I could just snap my fingers and it all be ok.

This place sucks but it’s safety, and it’s the only “home” we have known for 5 months.

Going back to work is going to be difficult in terms of keeping my new location hidden. And it’s highly unlikely it will stay hidden forever, then what? They didn’t want to help me keep safe before other than dumping us off here so what’s going to be different this time around?

How the fuck am I gona get clients when I can’t really advertise my area? How am I going to trust people are who they say they are?
How am I going to fulfill all of my dream plans whilst playing secret agent and being a full time single parent?

Just how the fuck?

I’m loosing weight again too. I just cannot keep my IBS under control. Even if I don’t feel stressed all of time like I used to I quite obviously am! For 3 weeks I’ve basically only eaten dry fucking food. Plain rice/pasta/potatoes meat. I’ve never been so god damn fucking bored of food in my life. The problem with IBS is pretty much everything in life fucks it up. Doctors cannot do anything other than give me medication to take occasionally when it’s really bad. Recommended this fod diet, honestly go fucking google it and you’ll realise that you basically can’t fucking eat anything. 
Eating so plain has helped a little yes, however I’m loosing weight again. 8 st 4lb down to 7st 10lb. I looked so fucking healthy and now I’m just becoming bones again BECAUSE I CAN’T FUCKING EAT. I can’t even eat healthy, most fruit and veg fuck me up, even wholegrain foods fuck me up. Dairy is an absolute no go. The more I eat the more pain I’m in I just cannot win.

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING EAT PROPER FUCKING FOOD.

I’m always like, oh I can’t eat that I’ve got IBS. HOW FUCKING IRRITATING.

I thought it would go away but it isn’t going away 😭 

I’m also exercising 4/5 days a week to relieve stress and help me sleep which it absolutely does ( can’t quite believe i’m still doing it) but then I’m burning more calories, no win no fucking win situation.

My skin is also horrendous due to hormones being all over the gaff constantly and yeh you guessed it FUCKING STRESS.

Without saying too much, dating is going very well but it’s very very scary. Although as a woman my confidence is blooming and probably the best I’ve ever felt within myself, my soul is still so incredibly fragile. Or wounded as my counsellor says.

Counselling is also going well, I really like her I’m really comfortable there and she gets it. Last time she said she knows that I’m strong and I’m resistant and I have a huge drive to go forward, but real deep down inside I am very wounded and that’s the part we need to heal.

When I was back there I used to tell myself I would crawl out of that shit like a wounded animal and its interesting she uses that same word. I do believe in fate and I reckon we were supposed to meet. This is how my life is supposed to be right now, that might not be what I want to tell myself but it is.

It’s the not knowing, I can’t bare it. I need plans, I need dates, I need to know when everything is going to happen and when it’s all going to be ok 😫 

I guess this is like the final fucking hurdle before the finish line. Man have I gota dig deep to find the strength to get over it, I’m just so tired of it all.

I can’t even think about how I will be if I don’t get out before Christmas. I don’t know if I am strong enough to cope with being here in this limbo any longer than that. And I just want my doggy back, oh god my heart just aches so badly. She’s been through so much, all 4 of us have and we just so desperately need our happy ever after.

I’ll be alright, I just need to be dramatic for this evening and I’ll pick myself straight back up tomorrow.

Song for every blog tonight is one that really cuts deep for me. You’ll probably tell reading the lyrics but it’s a story from the child’s view of her mother that escaped abuse and how proud she is of her. I pray to god my children feel this way about me even though they shouldn’t have to. Literally gets me every time 😫😭❤

Christina Aguilera- Oh mother

She was so young with such innocent eyes
She always dreamt of a fairytale life
And all the things your money can’t buy
She thought that he was a wonderful guy
Then, suddenly, things seemed to change
It was the moment she took on his name
He took his anger out on her face
She kept all of her pain locked away

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
‘Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So, mother, I thank you
For all you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through
We always pull through
We always pull through

It was the day that he turned on his kids
That she knew she just had to leave him
So many voices inside of her head
Saying over and over and over
‘You deserve much more than this.’

She was so sick of believing the lies and trying to hide
Covering the cuts and bruises
So tired of defending her life, she could have died
Fighting for the lives of her children

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
‘Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So, mother, I thank you
For all that you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through

All of your life you have spent
Burying hurt and regret
But, mama, he’ll never touch us again

For every time he tried to break you down
Just remember who’s still around
It’s over, and we’re stronger
And we’ll never have to go back again

Oh mother, we’re stronger
From all of the tears you have shed
Oh mother, don’t look back
‘Cause he’ll never hurt us again

So, mother, I thank you
For all that you’ve done and still do
You got me, I got you
Together we always pull through
We always pull through
We always pull through

I love you, mom

Until next time,
Love B xxx