I feel like it’s been so long!! I feel like I have to be in the mood for this, I don’t want to do it if I’m not in the mood coz it’ll just be boring shit 🤣

I guess it’s been an ok couple of weeks ish? Just the same old same old really, perhaps with a little bit of excitement but we shall get onto that!

I’m also gona try to block out who may or may not be reading this coz he reckons he’s got someone ahem, “feeding him information” his probation have confirmed this. I’m really not fussed because this blog journey is for me and in time I can’t wait to read back and think how fucking amazing I am.

Also, under no circumstances have I ever, or will I ever PLAY ANY SYSTEMS. I don’t even speak with social services to play a fucking game with them. The only time they were ever involved was to purely ensure the safety of me and my children. And btw, I told them myself that I attempted to break in that door, they literally know everything. And actually, they told me I did what ANY mother would do in that situation. 
Once we were out of that hell whole house they stepped away, there was no need for them, they are more than happy with my decisions and how I care for my children.

Not ONCE have I ever lied, to the courts/police or social services. I am not a liar. I will only ever do what is best for my children regardless of my own feelings. Their physical and mental safety is and will always be my main priority above all else. My answer to contact is still no and I will stand by that.

So this week I made a connection (this is how my counsellor describes these things and I kinda like the lingo so we gona roll with it) and that connection was between perp and my anxiety of photos.  

I don’t like photos of myself and I don’t like taking photos of myself. And not just selfies, photos with other people too. 

So I was ordering photos & decided to look through my Google drive of previous years to see what I could find of me and the kids. And you know what? I barely have any. 1 reason for that is I’ve changed phones so many times over the past 10 years because some cunt kept fucking breaking them, wonder who that was 🤔
2nd reason being was the comments I would receive for taking them. Usually it was that I didn’t want photos with him because I was ashamed of him, or because I didn’t love him or want to be with him. Of course pictures of myself (even with another person) would be that I was trying to attract attention from men. It didn’t matter who the pictures where with, family/friends/the kids. It was always the same shit, “You’ll take pictures with every other cunt but me”

I mean how do you even get to that point where you don’t take any photos of life? Makes me think of the frog thing my counsellor says.

“If you put a frog into boiling water, it will jump.
If you put a frog into cold water and gently heat it up, it won’t notice and will slowly die”

The point is, control is formed so, so very slowly, you don’t realise what’s happening. And by the time you do, your in so bloody deep you have no idea how to get out.

The whole photo thing made me think of the attack just before honeymoon. It was definitely up there in the top 5 worst physical attacks from him. And all because of a photo. If you’ve read my other blogs previously you’ll know which one. 

Anyways, this was clearly a trigger for me. I freaked the fuck out. I just had these images in my head of him attacking me, and this overwhelming feeling of being hopeless. I was hysterically crying and my chest was so tight I couldn’t breathe 😫 It took a good 10-15 minutes to calm myself down. 

That my friends is what we call a flashback and a panic attack. Symptoms of PTSD.

(If you follow me on insta it was literally right after I posted about it)

I was so upset after too because I feel like I’ve done so well lately and it really annoyed me that I got like that. But this is when I have to realise that I still have alot of healing to do, and actually that might not ever go away. 

A positive note is I am now trying to take photos as much as I can, 1 because I want memories, 2 because it’s growing my own confidence a little and 3 because everytime I do I’m telling myself that, ITS OK TO TAKE A FUCKING PHOTO.
 
Defo been taking those photos coz I am back in the dating game motherfuckers!

So, the last dude who I thought pied me but in fact hadn’t, was just weird. Only sending messages at certain times of the day then disappearing at weekends leaving me on blue ticks. I think fucking not my friend. We had a date arranged but I wasn’t happy with his lack of effort. If I had explained this he would of come back with a load of bullshit excuses, and I was just sitting there one night and thought, hold the fuck up. 

For 12 fucking years I made excuses for some dudes shitty fucking behaviour, why the FUCK am I gona allow this now? 

Blocked. Done. Boy bye🤚 

I was a teeny weeny bit sad, however I’m now aware that I deserve so much more. I want someone who wants to put in the same amount as effort as me, and there’s no way in hell I will accept anything less.

My attitude then was like ok fuck this, fuck the dating sites I’m out.  

And then, like they alway say someone comes along when ya least expect it. 
(Also through a friend so straight away I knew he was a real person and he was a complete psychopath, excellent! 😂)

Obviously, it’s very very early days and I don’t want to share too much. But we gota have as bit of good news ain’t we?!

We’ve had 2 dates (3rd maybe next week) similar position in life to me in that he’s separated with 2 kids. So far, he is kind, funny, obv good looking, and you know what? Respectful.
He actually reminds me of my Dad, in his morals and attitude towards life and women. They do say you should date someone like your Dad right?!

It’s pretty amazing to feel like a woman. That may seem strange to you reading it, but perp never made me feel like that. Always say I want a man who loves my eyes and he does!! And pretty much everything else 💁‍♀️🤣
To be complimented so much physically is so good, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, just fucking good.

But the best part is being complimented on my personality. I always felt like 2 different people. I was nearly always myself around other people, but completely different with perp. With him I’m just the same person (perhaps a few less swear words to begin with 😂) It’s the best feeling to be told that I’m sweet and funny, good company and he likes how open I am. 

He already knows the main parts of my current situation and isn’t bothered at all. I was fairly quick to share, I don’t think I will ever hold back on that one, as you guys know I am very honest and very open. If I can’t be that I’m not being me, and I refuse to be anything but me now. If my past is ever an issue for someone, that’s ok but they aren’t good enough for me and I would rather know sooner than later. 

I don’t want to feel ashamed of it and actually I refuse to feel ashamed of it. My big sister told me to own that shit and I will with my fuckin head held high. I’m a good fucking person and someone else’s cuntish behaviour towards me will never define me. I’m not going to allow that to be my identity. I am worth far more than that.

Again, it’s very early days but I feel relaxed about it and I truly believe what will be will be. If anything I have gained so much already in just knowing that actually, a man can like me for the person that I truly am.  

By dating I am putting my heart on the line but that’s ok, I won’t be scared of the future and I won’t be scared of being hurt. Noone will ever be able to hurt me like before because I will not allow it. I may have my heart broken at some point as we all do, but noone will ever break my soul and THAT is the difference, I am far too strong for that now. 

I can’t think of a song right now, I’ll pop back with one at some point. But know that I have a big grin on my face and I’m proud of me!!!

Until next time,
B
Xxx