So, I’ve actually been quite excited to blog today! I forgot how much better it really does make me feel.

Someone asked today if I had considered writing a book, honestly that’s actually been a goal of mine since I was little. I’m really hoping one day I can and hope these blogs can make it happen! But for now we shall stick to this coz I got too much on my already overflowing plate as it is.

It’s been an emotional week, partly because I’m on my period, always makes everything worse! And mostly because of men. After having a complete breakdown yesterday I’ve deleted the dating app, that shit is just no good for me. I thought maybe I was ready for it but apparently not.

After just a few days of being on there I suddenly turned into this paranoid, pathetic wreck sitting there waiting for guys to message me back, I mean wtf even is that? 🙈 Wondering whether I’ve said the right thing, or will they like me, do they like me, do they think I’m pretty, am I good enough?

As if I haven’t spent enough of my life allowing a man to make me feel shit I’m now putting myself in a position to do it again? No B, bad fucking move. Very bad move.

The fact is I just want some nice male attention, and I’m not afraid to admit that. And why wouldn’t I? Literally been made to feel like I’m not good enough for 12 years and now I want to feel like I am good enough. Except I’m thinking that needs to come from a man and quite frankly it doesn’t.

Whilst bawling my eyes out yesterday after 2 glasses of prosecco (because I got ghosted by some dick who asked me out on a date then proceeded to block me on whatsapp) one of my very wise lash girls asked me what the difference is between her telling me I look good to a man, I replied no difference. Excatly! She says, so why are you looking for a man to validate it?

No fucking idea mate, I temporarily lost my damn mind.

Praise you my lash sister!!!

But in all seriousness who does that? Why not just be honest and say actually, I’m not feeling it. You were more than straight up 2 days ago telling me the shit you want to do to my arsehole but your incapable of saying no to the date YOU asked ME on. Fucking idiots.

I’m slightly wondering if I should of made this blog more private but fuck it, too late now you might aswell hear it all. If you ever find yourself in my blog its for 1 of 2 reasons, 1 your an amazing human that I love OR 2 your a complete cunt fuck 😂🤷‍♀️

If any of you ever see this too bad, shouldn’t of been such a prick then 🖕

That’s the 2nd time I’ve been let down for a date (ok they may have been very casual dates but none the less, a date) The other was more of a head fuck, one that I thought would be more respectful in all honesty because I sort of knew him anyways. Casual sex is one of those things not everyone can handle, I am pretty emotional however I’m also a grown ass woman that is more than capable of making her own decisions. I can go into shit open minded as long as there’s honesty. But c’mon, don’t talk the talk then half fucking heartedly walk the walk and then disappear! If your gona attempt to be a fuck boy atleast make the fuck part worth it for all parties jeez..

The other wanker can’t even be called a fuck boy coz he didn’t even get to the fuck part, urgh wannabes…

Though after my meltdown last night I did infact get chatted up, just unfortunately not my type of guy. However, attention is attention none the less and I’ll take pride in the fact that this mumma could pull a 21 year old if she wanted, high fives to me!

Bless, he was sweet just a bit of a wet wipe. But actually it was quite nice to be open with someone about my situation, to be strong enough to I guess explain my past out loud to someone I don’t know without crying or feeling ashamed. It was very matter of fact really, this is it this is what happened and so be it I’m moving on from it. For that I felt pretty proud of myself, and although he is far too young and again not my type it is nice to know that someone could accept that and still want to take me out.

Perhaps I will find that person one day, but I think for now I have to only focus on myself. I need to be in a position where if some guy doesn’t want to make the effort I’m willing to make or isn’t respectful or tries to fuck me off that I think, thank you next. Bye bitch, your loss. And it absofuckinglutely is their loss. It’s not a case of me not being good enough but rather they are not good enough for me. I’m gona dig deep and find that self worth.

You fuckers are dealing with a god damn QUEEN don’t you know 💁‍♀️😂

I say that now and tomorrow I’ll probably cry myself to sleep feeling needy but its fine I will get through this with not a single dick in sight, literally 😂

I guess it’s just another lesson learnt hey? I’m not not open to dating I’m just not going to search for it, if it’s meant to be it will happen. Though I don’t think that will happen in current location, heres some examples..

Earlier I was in my local shop and some guy says “Sorry love can I ask your name?”I’m like “What? Why?” “Oh I’m sorry it’s just that I’m drunk and I found you very attractive I’m sorry” He then totters off out the shop drink in hand.

Another time I was walking through town and some rude boy just shouted at me “Yea you buff still”

I just looked at him like seriously? Do you honestly think that is gona get you a date? Ffs man 🤦‍♀️😂

I’m not gona find prince charming here am I?

I suppose I should get some sleep really and hopefully none of the many pricks are in my dream 😂🙏

Song for every blog today is one of my favs to belt out actually and it fits this perfectly!

I’ll leave you with my favourite part…

Sara Bareilles – Love song

Cause I believe there’s a way
You can love me because I say
I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one,
You see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
Or you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay

If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There’s a reason to write you a love song
Today, today

Until next time,

B xxx