So I’m actually begining this blog at 4.40am mainly because my girl is poorly and keeps waking up, but I thought I would note down my dream as usually I don’t remember it.

I’ll continue it later in the day so it makes sense.

Firstly the last bit I remember is being in a house, I remember feeling anxious about it being clean even though we are separated in the dream.

The kids are in this living room and then in he comes. He just struts in and sits down on the sofa, and then turns to me and asks me what’s for dinner. In my head I’m thinking, but I’m not cooking you dinner only the kids. It sounds so silly but I just had the same feelings that I would if maybe we had had an argument and he had come home from work. It’s that feeling of tension, being on edge not knowing what’s going to happen. What is he going to say next, how do I respond in a way that doesn’t piss him off? I’m also thinking ok smile the kids are here, brave face is on lets keep this calm. But now I’m also thinking why the fuck are you in my house we aren’t together you shouldn’t be here. And at no point do I even respond because I’m too scared to. His presence and aura is too overwhelming to do anything I’m just frozen with my own thoughts whirling around.

What the fuck is this shit?!

Continuing this afternoon, my brain is like mush today and I feel really emotional. I’ve been in contact with a local counsellor and booked myself in next Wednesday for an assessment with her, its private and tbh I would much rather skint myself then keep waiting for the NHS. I can’t be dealing with this shit anymore it’s driving me insane. Just the phone call alone made me cry. I don’t want him in my dreams anymore and I don’t want to wake up feeling anxioust and lost after them. She laughed when I said I want to deal with it all. She said I think it’s going to be alot more than simply dealing with it, 12 years is a very long time! And she’s right, ah mate this is gona be fucking tough but I think I’m ready for it.

The day after the emails I was speaking with a friend (who is still on his fb) now I haven’t seen anything for a good 6 weeks or so and haven’t asked, however something made me ask. What followed was screen shots of him reposting my holiday pictures. The holiday just a few weeks ago. So, someone on my friends list has been sending them to him.

WHY?

I am so fucking angry, I don’t know who it is and although at first I thought I don’t care the next part of my dream tells me my subconscious says otherwise.

Someone has betrayed my trust, and for what? What exactly is anyone gaining of this? Though he hasn’t reposted photos of me (because he knows that is an instant arrest for breaching non-mol) I know he’s seen them, I DONT WANT THAT CUNT SEEING MY FUCKING PHOTOS. Although in a way hes gona see what hes missing, I’m really not fussed and I would rather he didn’t know what I was up to. Sob story that he gets to see his kids faces, MATE if you honestly, hand on heart really wanted to see your children you would cough up £215 and make the court application but NO. Because then you aren’t in control, it’s always got to be perps way or no way.

And as for him missing and loving me.

JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE SOMEWHERE.

Love?? You don’t know the meaning of the word mate. I ain’t your fucking girl, I ain’t your fucking wife and I am certainly not the key to your fucking heart. You heart is cold and empty. You miss me but you have a girlfriend? Funny that your still keeping her quiet, don’t want to look the bad guy do you?

And as for being in pain.

MY HEART FUCKING BLEEDS FOR YOU YOU CUNT FUCK.

You don’t know what pain is. But one day I hope you feel it, I hope you get that stomach churning deep ache in your heart that I have when I think of what you’ve done to me and my children.

In the direct hidden emails I am a child abuser, to the world I’m the love of your life. Make ya mind up!

Honestly, do you think I’m falling for you fucking bullshit? Never ever ever ever again. I know the game and I ain’t playing.

I now have a new Facebook so bad luck no more pics.

I wonder if the snake has any idea what they could of done. Luckily I am extremely careful and never publicly reveal my location or anything that could give away my location at the time. But imagine I wasn’t as clued up?

If he finds our location we will be moved instantly.

My children have already been uprooted once, imagine them having to again move schools, loose friends and the support they are receiving all so perp can have a fucking picture?

YOU STUPID IGNORANT PRICK.

Feel sorry for him do you? What about my children? Oh no I forget your clearly his friend so share the same views, as in you don’t give a fuck.

Does this snake have the balls to admit it? Course not. Pathetic and weak just like perp.

Here’s part 2 of my 4.40am write up..

The 2nd part is that I realise it’s my old friend from school that gave him the photos. The guy is on my original fb, we did date in like year 8 or something but in the end we were really good friends! Anyways in the dream I just had a feeling so I checked his fb and it showed he was friends with perp so i just asked him. We were messaging on messenger and he basically says he now lives near him and he seemed so sad about the kids and felt bad. The guy has kids himself and from what I can tell is a great dad, he was always a good person so then I understand why. But my heart is a little bit broken, someone I was so close to (in school I did speak about perp to him too) has completely betrayed my trust and genuinely now I’m crying because I felt so fucking hurt in the dream. I then told him to message me when he sees perp and I’m thinking ok now I gota delete these texts in case he finds them coz he will go off his nut BUT WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER AT THIS POINT. What the hell man 😫

The police then turn up randomly I think I did something bad earlier in the dream but I don’t quite remember it now.

So yeh my brain is on overdrive and I’m really, severely fucked off with it all. I do my best to not let him bother me but I can’t help it somehow, though I have learnt to cope with it better.

Perhaps now I’ve got that out I can get on with my day and my to do list, kids are back to school tomorrow and I have alot to do!

I can’t even think of a song which says how fucked my brain is today, perhaps I’ll add on later.

Until next time,

B xxx