As much as I didn’t want yesterday’s contact to affect me it did in my dreams. It’s extremely rare I think of him at all but I guess I have to learn that I will have always have triggers.

Sometimes I forget what I’ve been through because life is so much different now it feels like such a distant memory. My dreams show that although I may think I’m ok my brain is still processing so much trauma. Theres probably alot that has been pushed very far back deep into my subconscious.

I think I said before I don’t always remember the dreams but they are always about fighting his control and power. He’s just there. And I wake up feeling like he’s been there. I felt awful this morning, really on edge and emotional. It took a good few hours to snap out of it and get away from those feelings. I’m still on waiting lists for counselling which is getting a bit frustrating because what I don’t want is to get so far ahead and have to delve back into it. I would rather deal with it now and get it out of the way. Although this blog helps me enormously I need to be able to speak it and I guess really come to terms with what I’ve been through. I think perhaps I’ll look into private options now because I can’t really wait much longer.

So we are at a caravan for the weekend! So generously offered to us from a fellow lash artist. I’ve known her for a few years on social media, we weren’t close but knew of each other. She reached out when I shared my story and blog. We have never even met yet she was happy to offer us her caravan for a few days for free! The generosity and kindness just warms my soul. Everytime I think I already have so much support someone else comes along and surprises me with more!

I genuinely feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I have so SO much support, such an incredible system around me and I cannot thank you all enough. I don’t think I would of been strong enough to keep going without you all. Even just the little messages I receive daily keep me going. I don’t know how I will ever repay any of you, but I do know that I will keep sharing my story and campaigning to help end this shit and help as many other survivors as I can.

When we got here we were met with sweets, chocolates & muffins. The kids had toys & magazines, some activities to do like making their own bouncy balls! I had gifts too, a healing stone bracelet (literally never gona take it off) and 3 other little ones with wonderful messages on. Ah man, makes my lower lip and my eyes go 😭😭 I can’t even deal it’s just so god damn fucking sweet.

It just restores my faith in humanity, knowing how many kind people are out there gives me hope.

It also really hits me then what I have been through. For me it’s been my normality and my life for so long I guess I still down play it, the reactions of others is when I feel it the most and it does make me sad.

How does anyone treat someone like that?

How can you be such a cruel, evil individual?

Seeing families out and about is tough for me, now being a single mum doesn’t phase me at all. My parents weren’t together but they still managed to be amicable and raise me and my sisters well. Even to this day them and their new partners all get on and are friends. What upsets me is that my children don’t have a loving father.

Now, he can give it all that shit but he ain’t.

I NEVER wanted to be the woman who stopped her children from seeing their father and I still don’t want to be. But ultimately I have to weigh up the pros an cons of contact and right now the cons are winning by a mile.

From the day I left him all he has done is feed them with lies and try to use them. He thinks he’s going to use the letters as evidence in court, well let me tell you bitch I will also use them in court.

One thing he could never do is recognise that you have to be age appropriate with children. They never needed to know half the shit that has gone on, but unfortunately I’ve had to explain stuff to them that I probably wouldn’t of because he fucking told them. And he just tells them his versions, like Mummy’s trying to put daddy in prison.

No.

YOU put your fucking hands on mummy and broke the law, end of.

Nobody fucking told you to, if someone told you to jump off a bridge would you do it? NO unfortunately not because I’m not that lucky. I fucking wish 🙄

Writing about how your gona do this and that to get it to court. Like seriously, who is then going to have to explain to a 6 & 9 year old what family court is? Fucking muggins over here, you dumb fucking idiot 🤦‍♀️

THIS is why you have no contact and why I point blank refuse to show my children your letters because all you care about is yourself. You couldn’t care less about those children.

You know they ask me every single day when they can see their friends? And I have to answer I don’t know. I cannot risk taking them back to the area or being seen it’s just impossible.

Now of course it’s my fault, I took them from their home, their school, their friends.

I would of always moved out but you know what? You could of been the decent fucking person and quit ya fucking games. We could of lived there until we were moved, they could’ve stayed at their school and you could’ve had contact with them. If you were a decent enough parent I WOULD OF BEEN AMICABLE FOR MY CHILDREN.

But no.

You had to keep going and going and going. Making us suffer even more for your cunty actions. As if we hadn’t suffered enough. Never mind me but you had your own children living in fear without even being inside the house. The boy told me a little while ago that he was always scared of you breaking into the house and hurting me. He was a nervous wreck.

People that don’t know can judge and I couldn’t possibly care any less. What proves that I made the right decision more than anything is my boys behaviour.

He is a different child with you not around.

Everyone has noticed the change in him, he actually speaks now. He no longer bites his nails, he eats more and is slowly becoming more comfortable with his body.

So when you want to try come along with your little letters telling them how great your doing at the gym JOG THE FUCK ON coz we don’t want to hear it.

The sad part is sometimes he is like you and I fucking hate it. He has 2 personalities, one is me, one is you.

My personality is sweet, funny, caring and emotional.

Yours is selfish, ungrateful and entitled.

Sounds about right don’t it?

And from yours also comes his insecurities, his low self esteem, his sadness and his anger at himself. Do you know have any idea what it’s like to have your child say they hate themselves? Or that they don’t deserve to live?

Of course not, because you don’t care.

He is very slowly coming away from your badness, and I truly believe starting his respite sessions and gymnastics is going to help him so much.

I would give anything for my children to have a loving father and I so wish you could be that. Regardless of what you did to me my children come first and I would whole heartedly support the relationship. But unfortunately it will never be.

I’ve absolutely learned that you cannot change a person, no matter what you do. I don’t think you can ever change because you still don’t see or admit your wrongs. In your eyes you never laid a finger on me, but c’mon, we both know the truth.

All I can see right now in my head is your glaring evil eyes cms from my face with your hands round my throat, screaming at me and foaming at the mouth like an animal.

But obv I’m telling lies again, naughty me…

You disgusting human being!

Enough about perp.

I’m enjoying my double bed 😂

I’m also enjoying having my own space, seriously not worrying about taking long in the bathroom, washing up just my stuff with hot water, laying on a sofa watching TV it’s all a fucking luxury!!! You fuckers don’t know how good you got it 🤣

Man I cannot wait to have my own house, and it will be MINE. All fucking mine. A fresh start with nothing but happy memories.

Ahh, mind chilled.

Song for every blog…

(One of my absolute faves! It’s a banger make sure you listen to it!)

Tom Walker – Karma

Cause you get what you get
Why do they always fall for it?
And the truth will come out
You gona be left for dead, left for dead

Cause I believe in karma
And you believe in drama
You should try a little harder
Or karma’s gonna come for you
Cause I believe in karma
And you believe in drama, no, no, no, no
You should try a little harder
Yeah, or karma’s gonna come for you

Until next time,

B xxx