What do you know, anxiety is back.
And quite frankly, I’m fucking pissed the fuck off.
Coming home (refuge) was a reality check. Why can’t I just be in my own home & running my business & living life? I know I have to be patient but sometimes I’ve just fucking had enough.
Yes I’ve got the right hump today and I’m blaming dickface cunt fuck prick.
Just like it always does the bubble of happiness has burst and now I’m crying for the millionth time today over nothing because I’m so angry at myself for being sad. I don’t want to be sad anymore and I don’t want my kids to see me sad anymore. And I’m sobbing on my fucking beautiful eyelashes fucking arseholes 😭
No matter how good I start feeling it always comes back to this and I don’t want to feel this anymore. I’ve been so God damn patient waiting for a life ffs why can’t it just be done with and over and life be fucking glorious already.
I just long to have that happy B all the time. I want to be a good mum and work hard. I can’t even provide properly for my kids right now and I know that I have a business that will do just that I just cant fucking do it. A business that is also so good for my soul. I miss working so so so much, why can’t I just get a break?
I know that life could be so much worse though, I just need to have my dramatic moment and get my big girl pants back on.
Wonder if I shall sleep properly tonight? Prob fucking toss and turn as usual. Though I did get my CBD capsules today so I am hoping they may help, I was a heavy smoker before leaving perp (told you I was honest) It was the only way I could get through the evenings with him. Christ you gota have something to block out the ranting.
I cannot tell you how much I do not fucking miss the cunts voice. Droning on and on and on about shit. Usually about himself too, so self centred it was untrue. And he told me I was boring? Ha!
To be fair I probably was boring around him, he drained me of life, energy, laughter and in the end, love.
You know Christmas has always been a big thing for me, my Christmases as a child were amazing and it was something that I wanted for my kids to remember, every year mum fucking loved Christmas!!!
So stockings in our family are the big thing. So big and full you can’t even lift it just drag the cunt 🤣🙌 always filled with toiletries, new pjs, underwear and socks. Sweets, chocolates, diaries, hair bands, hair brushes, makeup wipes and then some pointless random shit thrown in for good measure.
Who the fuck does not love a stocking???
Perp that’s who.
Every year he tried to kill my buzz, I filled the kids with so much shit it was unreal but you know what? They LOVE it and so do I!!!
“Urgh, you just waste money and fill it with absolute shit”
Well duh, that’s the whole point.
The year before last I decided to go all out on him, I bought SO much. Toiletries, pants, socks, aftershave, funny joke stuff like a shit sign that goes outside the toilet and a book on how to deal with PMS. Thoughtful funny gifts!!
Plus main presents that were expensive.
I put so much thought and effort into that year.
And you know what? Thrown back in my face at the next argument a few days later and subsequent arguments in future.
” You never buy me anything that I actually want but pointless fucking bullshit. Never wanted any of it didn’t ask for it, really its because
you don’t actually give a shit do ya”
That hurt man.
What hurt more is that he did the same to my mum. He always told everyone the same sob story that noone ever bothered at Christmas when he was a kid so my whole family went out of their way to buy for him and to try make it thoughtful. My mum spent so much on him.
But again, she only bought shit didn’t she?
Arrrrgggggghhh CUNT!!!
He didn’t deserve any of it, not even a lump of fucking coal should ever be wasted on him.
So, the next Christmas (by this point I couldn’t of given 2 single fucks about him) I said na I ain’t buying you fuck all because you never like it and never appreciate it. If there’s something you would like then I will but if you don’t tell me you get nothing.
I told him this for months. He asked for 1 or 2 little things I think so I got them and nothing else.
And what do you know?
I got the same fucking response except this time I was too busy buying for all my friends to buy for him apparently.
Only only about ya fucking lash mates…
Well yeh, actually.
And I was right too, day before Christmas eve I took a couple of jabs in the head before being booted out the house for a while again, not sure what for probably one of those 100s of affairs I had because I’m such a fucking HOE 🙄
Maybe I should of been a hoe, atleast it would of been slightly worth it 🤣🤷♀️
After the wedding I didn’t care for occasions anymore. Cor the fucking shit I got for not wishing him a Happy Anniversary on Facebook.
No I don’t want to post on Facebook that we made it to 12 years because I’m fucking ashamed mate! I don’t want to write I love you because I don’t. I fucking despise you with every bone in my body. So when you told me the reasons why I didn’t post on Facebook, yes perp you were correct. I hated your guts mate.
12 YEARS OF MY LIFE WASTED on a selfish, pathetic weak excuse of a man. The one who thinks he’s so fucking tough, what for beating up ya Mrs? Proper fucking hard you are.
I would love to face him now. I wouldn’t say a word. Just a smile.
A smile that says I won bitch.
God help any male cretin in future that thinks he can fuck with me, not ever gona happen honey!
I may be emotional at times but I am a fucking bad ass with a strong mind, noone in this world will be able to break me once I’m done healing.
Well, after this and some pep talks from my incredible friends as always I feel better.
Song for every blog…
Lily Allen- Smile
I was so lost back then,
But with a little help from my friends,
I found a light in the tunnel at the end.
At first when I see you cry,
Yeh it makes me smile,
I go ahead and smile.
At worst, I feel bad for a while,
But then I just smile,
I go ahead and smile.
Until next time,
B xxx
12 years & out 
Thank you B for sharing again. Your blog posts keep me from going insane. Whatever you seem to be thinking or feeling, it’s almost like I could have written it myself. It’s a small consolation that I’m not alone. Obviously I would rather people weren’t feeling this way but at least it doesn’t make me feel like the piece of crap that he is trying to make me feel.
Today was the first time I went back to the flat we shared after he attacked me. Had to get my things. The cunt did not make it easy. Police couldn’t attend because, bless them, they are so understaffed. After emails back and forth between my dad and his solicitor, finally got a turn and date we could do the flat (today) and get my things but his mate had to be there to attend. It was so fucking awkward, his mate breathing down our necks and Watching us plus he put all my things in a haphazard way in the corridor of his flat. Was a nightmare and we only had 2 and half hours because his mate had to go. I literally felt like the shit on his shoes. And to top it off, I had loads of plants in the flat, he had two. He managed to water his own but didn’t do mine. What a fucking cunting wanker. He’ll do anything to make me feel like I’m not worthy. Surprised he didn’t ruin my things.
I can’t wait until the court date so I can finally finish having such a cock turd of a human in my life. Even if he gets off, at least I tried my best. More than I can say for him. His best is pretending to be an actor when he’s only an extra. You ain’t fooling anyway you trumped up nob cheese!!
The Lily Allen song is great. One day I’ll see him and I’ll just smile, an indifferent, maybe I knew you once, smile. Until that day, I am going to make myself stronger and heal.
Thank you again for sharing. You are my hero!
Sarah.
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I feel like we have the same sense of humour, we could blog back and forth 🙌😂 Well done for going back, it’s not easy especially when they make it hard. I haven’t blogged about me going back yet but it was interesting ha! I love that he didn’t water your plant, these cretins are so strange why not just throw it away? No he leaves it to die for you to see. The lengths they will go to threaten you with a plant hey?
I’m so so so happy to hear you are still being strong too, especially keeping up with reporting him. Even if he does get off (mine gets away with everything) firstly it’s still future evidence for you, evidence for Clare’s law for future partners and it shows him YOU WON. Fuck you asshole 🖕🖕🖕
Keep your head up, we will do this together! Here if you need me always
B xxx
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