Have you missed me?!?

What an amazing holiday I just had! Apart from a little anxiety here and there and the fucked up dreams it was so beautiful!

Coming back into the UK freaked me out, I kept wondering if I was gona be stopped. When we walked out of departures (where everyone waits) my heart literally stopped and my eyes were scanning everywhere. For a second I thought I saw him but I didn’t. Fucking shit my pants.

But what a wonderful feeling it is to be completely relaxed and at peace. I feel like my soul is slowly beginning to heal.

I’m not naive enough to think I’m suddenly all better and life is gona be easy, for one I’m still homeless 😂🙈 and I still can’t really work. We will be moving areas once we have our forever home so I can’t put any roots down at the mo. I really hope once we are back home I don’t slip backwards because I’m feeling pretty damn good at the minute but I am gona have bad days.

Sleeping is pissing me right off, or lack of it. I’m still so awake til stupid o’clock no matter how tired I feel in the day. I wake up feeling like I’ve not been to sleep, I duno if I’m skipping the deep sleep bit (I’m certainly no sleep expert) I have a dream then wake up, dream then wake up, this is consistent throughout the night maybe 3 or 4 times. There was a freaky one last night I can’t quite remember it but it woke me suddenly. It’s like the less my mind thinks of it all during the day the more it affects me at night. I’m still medication free and think this is the right way to go. My brain has got me through so much already on it’s own I can do this too! The brain is a powerful thing you know. Maybe the dreams are my brains way of healing my subconscious?

My chest hasn’t been tight, apart from the odd time yipee! I’ve also put back on the few pounds I lost whilst on meds so back on track, 16lbs up from my lowest 💪

I feel like a little bit of me is back, although it’s weird coz I don’t really know who that is still but I sort of recognise her if that makes sense? A little bit of the happy, bubbly 15 year old I remember.

Definitely growing a little bit of womanly confidence too. Whenever I used to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere I would look down. Now I keep my head up, well most of the time eye contact is still a little hard but I’m trying!! It is weird having male attention but I quite like it 💁‍♀️😂 Even the kids said mummy everyone looks at you ha!

I feel like I’ve laughed more in the last 2 weeks than I have done in probably years!

Kids are doing well, my boy is like a different child. He still has the odd meltdown but instead of daily it’s like weekly now if that. He will be starting sessions with a local charity from September, they only work with children who have witnessed domestic abuse. They aim to give them a safe place to talk, to relax and have fun. Building confidence whilst healing, it’s like respite for him, I’m so happy and grateful.

We’ve had a good 5 weeks of peace too, maybe he has finally given up?! Or he’s busy plotting his next shitty game, who knows but I’m enjoying it while it lasts. It is incredibly sad the kids now don’t have a relationship with their father but I have to put their emotional well being first. Seeing him may make them smile at first, but long term it’s going to be damaging. Again I know one day it’s probably going to happen, until then I will build their mental strength up as much as I possibly can. They have enough amazing adults and role models around them for now, bringing only positive influences.

I’m still waiting to hear back from mental health, was supposed to come back to me within a few days but it’s been about 2 weeks I think. It’s fucking annoying because I want this shit out of my head and done with. I was offered a counselling slot with the charity at the old home but I can’t go back to the area so 🤷‍♀️

I haven’t been back there in maybe 2 months? I won’t risk it, no point. Secret service life in full swing still! That’s the thing that scares me for the future, I can’t stay hidden for the rest of my life. Especially when I go back to work full time I’m not really sure how it’s going to go but I guess I will figure it out!

I guess this is how it feels to live. I’m no longer just surviving, it’s weird as fuck to do what I want when I want but I’m loving it!!!

If your reading this and you have just left an abusive relationship or you are thinking of leaving never ever doubt for 1 single second if you are strong enough to keep going. Because YOU ARE.

Those first few months are fucking tough man, tougher than anything you could possibly imagine. Learning to trust yourself is so difficult, trying to undo the mental damage is so challenging but it is POSSIBLE. I would bet my life on it that you will not regret it. The only regret you will have is not leaving sooner.

Guilt and anger are huge emotions you have to overcome, you question yourself time and time again why did I stay? Why didn’t I leave sooner? But there is no simple answer to those questions. Your mind has been controlled by another person, you weren’t able to make those decisions, you didn’t trust your gut instinct because you were programmed not to.

Unless you have been in this situation you cannot understand why it isn’t possible to “just leave”.

Noone can tell you when that may be, only YOU can make that decision. When that inner strength has finally fucking had enough and you think right I’m done now.

If you have a friend or a family member going through domestic abuse please, please do not turn your back on them, I know that it’s hard to witness but you just have no idea how much just having 1 person to talk to means. Just for them to know you will be there when the time is right is enough.

If anyone feels they need to reach out please don’t hesitate to. I’m not at the end of my journey yet but my experience so far has taught me so much.

If you need advice or support to leave, I am here.

If you aren’t quite ready to leave, I am here.

If you aren’t sure whether you are in an abusive relationship or not, I am here.

If you have a friend or family member you need to support, I am here.

Whether you are female or male, I am here.

We can do this together!

Song for every blog…

Jess Glyn- I’ll be there

Oh, oh, I’ll be there
When you need a little love, I got a little love to share
Yeah, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna come through
You’ll never be alone, I’ll be there for you

Until next time,

B xxx