Most of the time I felt like I had a split personality, there was always 2 voices battling each other in my head. I never really understood it and I never knew who to believe.

In the midst of an attack it would to something like…

“Go upstairs, apologise and you’ll be ok, you can explain this you can fix it and perhaps you won’t be hurt too badly tonight, perhaps he won’t break much tonight or perhaps you won’t be thrown out tonight”

But then there was this other voice screaming back…

“No, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is all fucking wrong!! It wasn’t your fault, it’s never your fault you need to just LEAVE NOW you do not deserve this!”

I would spend so long battling the thoughts that my body would just freeze, I literally couldn’t move. I was just frozen.

That voice was his control.

Most of the time I would choose his voice in the end but the longer I left it the worse the outcome was even if I surrendered, I would do what he wanted but then be left with the silent treatment for days.

Towards the end particularly the last 9 months his voice started to become quieter and mine louder. That little strong soul in me was fighting back. I knew I was going to leave him I just didn’t know when. I would rarely back down from him at this point no matter what he did, my voice just wouldn’t allow it. I was fighting myself, it was so confusing. Literally every night I went to sleep dreaming of being away from him, I fucking hated him. I hated everything about him.

The power another human being can have over you is incredibly scary. Now I’ve always thought I was pretty strong minded, although I had been bullied most of my childhood my mind stayed strong. I never gave in to any peer pressure, if I decided no it was a no. Even with boyfriends as a teenager I was pretty damn sure of myself! I remember this one boy, I was completely besotted with him, perhaps you could call it love I’m not too sure, anyways we were together and he tried to embarrass me by flirting with another girl making sure it got back to me.

Mate, I wasn’t fucking having any of it! As soon as I found out I went straight over to him at school infront of all his pals, mugged him fucking right off and dumped him on the spot. Ok so I cried my heart out for like 2 weeks after but I didn’t let him see that, all he saw was my tough side showing him I weren’t gona take his shit no matter my feelings. I’m still fucking proud of myself for that, high five to me 🙌😂

I didn’t really believe I could be controlled and to be honest until I left him I still didn’t think I was controlled. It’s taken quite a while to accept that and even now it’s hard to accept! Really, I’m a tough cookie. I’m fairly straight up, pretty honest and I’m not afraid to express my opinion, I’m sure the lash world would agree with that one 😂

So how did he have such a strong control over me?

I honestly don’t know but clearly he did.

Fucking pisses me right off actually.

The thing is, it happens so, so slowly you just have no idea it’s happening. Subconsciously I think I was always fighting it but my little voice was just too quiet.

Towards the end it got louder and louder, it was so difficult to ignore.

Often after hours and hours of what I can only describe as verbal psychological torture, I would end up just completely loosing the plot and hitting myself in the head repeatedly before collapsing into a heap crying uncontrollably.

He would tell me I was crazy, say I’ve absolutely lost the fucking plot, it was me who needed help.

It is these moments that haunt me more than anything else. At that moment in time I genuinely wanted to die. I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to be strong anymore and it was these times that I felt so fucking alone. I felt like noone could ever save me and all I ever wanted was those voices to stop.

That’s kind of how I feel now except his voice has gone. It’s just my own thoughts that consume my brain now.

I can’t actually remember his voice anymore, it’s bloody magical.

I dialled 999 on my phone several times over the years but could never press that button.

I got in my car so many times but never drove anywhere.

I stayed at peoples houses for days but still went back.

There are so many tactics used to form that control and for me it started very early on. Often people don’t believe they are in an abusive relationship because they feel like the first few months or even years were “normal”, this is the trick!!! Get you reeled in and before you know it your hooked.

Sometimes the abuse begins when you have children, because then you are more dependant and more likely to stay. One of the questions of the DASH risk assessment is “Are you pregnant or have you had a baby in the last 12 months” because of this reason. Mine began way before the kids unfortunately, so let’s take a trip back…

We actually met when I was 13, saw each other in the local park. He was friends with my sisters late partner and was 4 years older than me. We didn’t really speak though until I was 15. First time we spent time together was in the pub on my sisters birthday, he had to be careful though my sisters bf wasn’t having none of it, god bless you Sam! He was a real charmer, telling me his girlfriends hadn’t treated him well and that he just wanted someone he could settle down with, told me I was beautiful, the usual shit. He then got hold of my number a few months later and we started to text. During this time Sam had unfortunately passed away, I do sometimes wonder if he had been around if we would of gotten together or not but I guess I’ll never know.

I would sometimes see him out and about too whilst I would be roaming the streets like a fucking hoodlum 🤣

It’s interesting they say perpetrators or narcissists pick strong targets, I was a pretty good looking young girl, again very confident, very sure of myself and I got alot of attention from boys. I’m not bigging myself up here it really is true 😂🤷‍♀️ You’d think they would pick weak targets, but the thing is they want to take everything from you, everything that they don’t have. They ain’t gona go from someone with nothing about them are they? Told ya they are clever fucks.

The next time we proper saw each other was at a party, he was off his nut and we kissed in the toilet, should of known then really. Hardly a charming first date 🤣🤦‍♀️

From then onwards we were inseparable, for a few weeks we hid it from the world. I was only 15 and my family wouldn’t be happy, my sister actually went off her fucking nut when she found out but at that age you tend to do what everyone tells you not to!

I was obviously still at school, my final year and within maybe 2 or 3 months I had begun to change. I had alot of male friends, who I told perp about of course because again I’m a very honest person. He instantly disliked them, he said they secretly fancied me and just wanted to shag me. He didn’t seem to ever understand that people of opposite sexes can be friends without fucking. I did confide in 2 of these friends for a little while but I quite quickly got the impression they didn’t agree with me being him and so I guess that is where the isolation began. It honestly makes me so sad, they were 2 of my closest friends and I genuinely think we would still be friends now. I wonder if they will ever read this? If you do I’m legit sending you the biggest hug and I hope that life is treating you well!!!

We got together in late January and May was prom. Long before we were together I had organised to go with one of my other boy mates as friends, ah man he was the biggest (or smallest 😂) sweetheart. Perp somehow got hold of his number and warned him off, I tried to tell him he had nothing to be worried about but he wasn’t having it, and so I lost another friend. The arguments had already started long before this and about a week before my prom I actually broke my hand punching a door because I was so angry at him. Yes it was a very stupid move I’m well aware of that 😂

It was most likely the lead up to prom that did it. I felt so fucking anxious going, and rightly so because the cunt only fucking turned up didn’t he? Checking up on me. I was SO embarrassed and upset it was unreal. We had only been together about 4 months.

You can see just how quickly he was jealous & possessive of me. For anyone reading this this is what we call a RED FUCKING FLAG. But at 15 years old how was I supposed to know this? I didn’t really know what a healthy relationship was, I mistook his jealousy for love.

Oh he loves me, oh he cares for me.

Yes I am eye rolling at my younger self right now.

The isolation had began, and so came the stripping of my confidence. He would cause arguments over nothing then tell me it was because I didn’t make as much effort in the relationship as him. I didn’t try hard enough. From very early on he pretty much told me I was boring in bed too, now that is guaranteed way to kill someones confidence instantly. I think that has had a huge impact on me as a woman. It’s pretty damm sad really. See I told you I was honest! Fuck me 🤦‍♀️😂

These little digs here and there were just chip chip chipping away at my self confidence and self worth. I was always on edge wondering how best I could make him happy, what else could I do what else could I try to make him see I’m the girl for him? How else could I show my love and devotion to him? He consumed my mind every second of the day, and that was just what he wanted.

I remember one of the first times I really saw his anger, I think it must of been 4 or 5 months in maybe sooner. We were in the car just driving about as we normally did. A row kicked off for whatever reason and he got on the motorway and started to drive so fast. He told me he was going to drive far away and leave me there. He was screaming and shouting, he then started punching the steering wheel so hard it literally broke in half. (It was a wooden one don’t ask me why) Doing 100 odd on a motorway with an absolute nutcase driving with half a steering wheel in his hand. Insanity!!!

He didn’t leave me there he took me home and I still remember jumping out of the car and sprinting towards my house completely and utterly hysterical. I don’t remember what I told my mum, I had already began to lie for him.

The first physical incident was about 6 or 7 months in, we went on a night out with his friends to a boxing show. By the time I was already uncomfortable drinking around him so I was fairly sober. God he was just so fucking awful drunk, he was literally so embarrassing. I had been pretty quiet all night, I didn’t like drawing attention to myself. We got off the coach at the end of the night and started walking home. All of a sudden he was really angry at me, he said I had ignored him all evening and had been staring at other guys. I’m like wtf? As always I tried to defend myself and reassure him that that wasn’t the case but he didn’t care. He got right in my face and was screaming at me, I put my hand on his chin to push it away and he clamped down onto my thumb. I literally remember the evil look in his eyes, he stared at me with that evil stare while he sunk his teeth down into my thumb.

That proper shocked me, I knew he got angry but I didn’t think he would hurt me. Of course the next day he was full of apologies, crying telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was he had been so drunk. And I fell for it, it was too late by that point he had already got me.

And so that is how our 12 year relationship began, his control would become stronger and develop deeper over the coming years.

Today’s song for every blog reminds me of those very lonely moments, it’s also an absolute tune!

Natalie Imbruglia – Torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel,

I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor,

Illusion never changed into something real,

I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn,

Your a little late,

I’m already torn

Until next time,

B xxx