Well today’s been emosh.

I don’t even know why, this is what I was like before anti-depressants. I either take them and live life on the edge of a panic attack or not take them and cry over fuck all multiple times a day like an absolute fucking nut job 🤦‍♀️

I haven’t been sleeping well either, just constantly waking up restless, tossing and turning but for now I refuse to pop those pills!!

I have serious mum guilt too, it’s eating me up alive. Literally can’t even deal with myself and my emotions most of the time I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with two small humans too.

Most of the time I feel like I’m not mentally there with them, yes physically I am (obvs, I mean we live in one room together and they are permanently by my side I have no choice 😂) Every day I am battling so so many demons inside my head it’s hard to concentrate on anything. And it’s been this way for years, all I could ever focus on before was him, now all I ever focus on is what he’s done to us. It’s such a painful process.

I guess when you think of it as i’m trying to process 12 whole years of shit, and it’s only been 6 months it’s not a long time at all. I’m just very impatient I want to be fixed and all brand new right now.

The other week I was smiling and my girl said,

” I feel like I don’t recognise that smile, you never smile anymore”

Even the boy agreed 😭

She always says mummy your nearly always sad. Which is mostly true I guess, I try to hide it but sometimes I can’t. She found me crying the other day and she just sat with me, it made me cry more she’s such a fucking sweetheart I swear I would be lost without her, my little rock, my little bestie.

She used to draw me pictures when he was horrible to make me feel better, sometimes she would try to tell him not to argue with me too. She keeps me going and always has done.

My boy keeps me going in a different way. He shows me why it’s so important to carry on, and how important it was to take him away from that negative environment, he’s been through so much it hurts my soul man. I feel more guilt with him, when I had him my depression hit hard. I’ve always felt like it affected him and I’ll probably never forgive myself for it. He’s had a rough old time these last couple of years, my princess has too but being that bit younger she obviously hasn’t seen as much and doesn’t understand as much.

I so think gender plays a part too, although he actually always was a mummy’s boy he of course took influence from the male in his life. He was told that men should be physically strong, have muscles and 6 packs. From this he is now incredibly self conscious, he does not take his top off infront of people and if he does he holds his stomach in. They were both always told about unhealthy food too, now of course that’s important!! However, telling them constantly they will get fat if they eat this or that is not a healthy way to encourage good eating. He picked up on words perp said about our daughters weight and regularly comments on it. He dramatically cut down on his food, at one stage he refused chocolate or sweets when I offered him a treat. He has started eating more the last month or 2 though so we are already seeing change! He also believes he has to be tough. The other week he had a meltdown and I could tell something was up, when I finally got it out of him he said someone at school was being mean. I asked him why he hadn’t told me, he said

” I thought you would think I was a wimp”

” Why on earth would I think that?”

” Because I didn’t hit him”

Now I am all for self defence, I have said that if someone physically hurts you whether they are a boy or a girl you absolutely have the right to defend yourself, however if you choose to walk away that is also ok too.

He often tells me he hates himself, that he’s no good at anything or he doesn’t deserve to be alive. He has held knives against his own chest before after trashing the house in a rage because he feels like he doesn’t deserve to live. He constantly fights his dads views and his own. He knows what is right and wrong but isn’t able to understand why he acted the way he did if it was wrong. When when angry he says to me,

“Well you let daddy hurt you, you let daddy shout at you and be rude to you”

HOW do you explain an abusive and controlling relationship to a child? How do you explain that you didn’t allow it to happen you just didnt have a choice.

A week or so after I left him we were driving in the car and my girl asked me a question…

” Who called the police on daddy mummy?”

” I did sweetheart”

” But why?”

” Because daddy hurt mummy”

” But mummy, daddy always hurt you”

Heart fucking broken into pieces mate.

It was then that I realised the severity of the effect our relationship had on my children. They had grown up believing that it was normal. That conversation in itself is enough for me to know that I made the best and most important decision of my children’s lifes and that was leaving their Dad.

Both of them now understand how his behaviour was wrong and unacceptable but they just struggle understand why it happened for so long. Yes it was right for me to leave him but why now?

It’s not answer that I can give them, perhaps when they are older I can explain, as best as you can answer that anyways.

All I say to them was that mummy wasn’t strong enough before but now she is.

They have both seen and heard things no child ever should, before I would feel guilty for that but I’ve now let go of that guilt and put the blame firmly on perp.

No matter whether I stayed or didn’t stay I did not subject my children to that shit, period.

I do talk to them about it alot, to be honest I didn’t have much choice! For the first few weeks of leaving him I allowed them contact. But very quickly I realised it was never going to work.

He told them that I was trying to put him in prison, that I was mean and that I lied. He told them that soon we would be back together as a family and he would come home. He would send gifts for me back with them, making himself look kind of course. He would ask them to tell me things or when they would facetime he would try to force them to put the camera on me knowing full well he wasn’t to have any contact with me OR use the children as a third party.

One time my girl was trying to talk to him and all he did was tell her to put the camera on mummy, tell mummy to talk to me. All she wanted to do was speak with her daddy but he wasn’t fucking interested in her only me. Made my fucking blood boil. He never ever deserved my babies not for one single second. All he wanted was to control them just as he did me.

Let me tell you now, NO CUNT will ever mistreat or use or control my children ever ever ever ever again.

NOONE.

I don’t give a fuck, parental fucking rights or not. Parental rights can kiss my motherfucking arsehole.

Children do not need 2 parents, all they need is 1 good one and I’ll be that 1 good one and more. I may not be perfect but I will do my best to provide them with love, kindness, empathy, understanding, patience and stability. In the hope thar I can repair the damage that has been done and they grow up to be good people and one day have healthy relationships of their own.

I read something today that said…

“Children do not care if they come from a broken home, only if they live in a broken home”

Until the law tells me otherwise I will keep it no contact.

I do feel sad that they don’t have the typical family unit but god damn I tried.

I never wanted to be that woman that stopped her children seeing their dad but I now know that I cannot change him, I cannot force him to love and provide for his children the way he should.

Whether or not he was physically abusive to them doesn’t matter to me, he subjected them to viewing it. And that is abuse of your own children.

One day they may read these blogs, if they wish too I will allow it. I will never bad mouth their dad intentionally but I will also never lie to them.

They will know the truth and my biggest wish is for them to be proud of me and the decisions I made.

I want them to say..

” You know what? My mum is the strongest woman, she protected us and cared for us and loved us even when she felt she couldn’t go on anymore and she walked away from evil no matter the cost”

I stand by every decision I have made so far, I have broken that cycle.

I hope I make them so fucking proud.

Today’s song for every blog is a little depressing, it came on and I just burst so here it is…

Anne Marie – Peak

Did I breath, did I

Did I sleep did I eat did I cheat,

Did i,

Did I do something wrong?

Did I hit the peak did I?

Did I feel, did I steal no I didn’t do anything but love

Until next time,

B xxx