I was going to finish lash journey part 2 but I guess the whole point of this shit is to get my feelings out at the time so that’s what I’m gonna do!
I’m feeling a bit sad to be honest. It’s quite hard for me to be around couples as stupid as it sounds, it is wonderful to see that true love exists but it makes me so so sad that I didn’t get that. And yes I’m well aware of the fact I’m only 28 and I have my whole life ahead of me bla bla bla, but it still hurts 🤷♀️
Although I know deep down that I was good enough sometimes I just have that little thought that perhaps I wasn’t.
Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough, maybe I didn’t dress nice enough or take care of myself and make an effort when I should of. Maybe I did work too much, maybe I didn’t do enough round the house or maybe I wasn’t good enough in bed.
Did I not deserve to be loved? Did I not deserve for someone to actually care about me? Like proper care not just the fake arse fucking bullshit. Did I not deserve to be treated with respect, physically and mentally. When I felt low why didn’t I have that loving partner to pick me up? Why did I not have someone there when I cried. If I had a bad day at work, or with the kids or maybe I just felt low when I was due on my period, why didn’t I have someone just to put their arms round me and be there? Someone to tell me it would be ok.
Just someone to listen, someone that didn’t judge.
When I gave birth to 2 babies why didn’t I have someone to be proud of me and to help me. You know how fucking hard that shit is? Do you know what it’s like to have the baby blues (crazy ass rush of hormones a few days after given birth while your body tries to figure out what the fuck just went on) and have to try and hide it because of being made to feel like it’s something else.
Why didn’t I get that 1 person that I could talk to? Like literally talk to about anything. Anything at all in the world without being judged or having to watch what I say. That 1 person that I could talk to about my deepest shit.
Maybe I really just didn’t deserve it, maybe I’m not worthy of that.
To be honest my looks were never overly commented negatively about, maybe something to be grateful of I suppose. But you know what? I actually didn’t want and don’t want someone to just be physically attracted to me. I just wanted that one person to love me for other things. Like being funny or clever or thoughtful, not that I am those things but do you know what I mean? Something that makes me ME.
But I don’t think he ever looked for that coz quite frankly he didn’t really give a fuck did he?
I literally build such an amazing business from nothing, I went from having fuck all on benefits to being able to support a family of 4 (plus pets) pretty much single handedly in just a few years. And we didn’t have a bad life!
Why didn’t I have someone to be proud of me?
Yeh he said he was but it was all for show, again fake bullshit.
I know that I don’t need all this, nobody needs a partner or a husband or a wife whatever. But I did want it and I do want it.
It hurts my heart that I didn’t get that when I gave all of those things and I was always willing to.
Instead of that I’m here by myself writing a blog, how fucking sad can ya get? 🤦♀️ literally feel like I embarrass myself sometimes with my stupid fucking thoughts but like I’ve said before my brain thinks waaaaaaay too much.
And so here comes the random bit, music. I literally love music, have done my whole entire life. So I’m gona write some lyrics from the song that is now in my head.
Good old fucking Ariana Grande!
Needy-
Ima scream & shout for what I love, passionate but I don’t give no fucks. I admit that I’m a little messed up, but I can hide it when I’m all dressed up. I’m obsessive and I love too hard, good at overthinking with my heart. How do you even think it got this far?
You know what’s really sad?
I could never listen to what I wanted to. I would in happy in my own little bubble with my tunes on and in comes the dickhead comments
“Is that what you want to sing to me is it? What you want another man or something? Don’t want to be with me anymore then?”
I HAD TO LEGIT BE CAREFUL OF THE SONGS I PLAYED.
You absolute son of a bitch cunt.
You know I genuinely love to sing and dance, that is me in my fucking element all day long! You think I ever actually did it infront of him?
No.
And I actually married the prick? Fucking christ almighty 🤦♀️
In just one single blog I’ve gone from crying my heart out to raging angry 😂
I NEED TO GET A LIFE.
I also need sleep, but might finish another first.
Cringing as I publish this one.
Until next time,
B xxx
12 years & out 
There is someone out there for you B, for each and everyone of us. You unfortunately found a rotten apple this time though. You have left behind someone who didn’t see, value or love you like he should of. Your grieving process will get easier with time, the spectrum of emotions you’re experiencing are normal, try not to be so hard in yourself.
Stand up and cheer for the steps you have made, you’ve recognised the challenge and are doing something about it.
Hugs B.
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Certainly a rotten apple! Thanks for your support as always, ill be ok ❤❤❤
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Oh my tonight’s blog had me in tears, it had me raging too. Everything you said rang true. I worked so hard to become a teacher while I was with him but he never really helped or supported me, only support I got was maybe running to the shops to get me chocolate and I never lived that down. There was little support listening to how hard it was or how many hours I worked. He didn’t have a full time job, he was at home most days while I worked 60+ hours. I would come home and the dishes weren’t put away or dinner was never ready. He used to make snide remarks the floor needing moping so I said go on then which resulted in a massive argument with him stating I only cleaned once a week! Well fuck me, sorry I work every minute god sends while you sit doing jack shit, you lazy mother fucker!
And he never once really applauded me changing careers at 36. After a few years of teaching he told me to get out of it because I used to moan how hard it was. He didn’t like me venting, he got bored of me letting of steam and gradually convinced me my career was killing me. But looking back, if I had more support I’d still be in my dream school and my dream job…!
And I hear you on we don’t need someone to boost us or support us but I want that, like you do. And why the hell not?! I’ve got so much to give and why should I not expect the same back! Not all men are emotional idiots, surely.
I know deep down that both you and I will find that one person who will tell their friends and family how proud they are of us for what we have achieved and what we mean to them.
Until then, I await your blogs with baited breath.
Forever proud of you!
Sarah
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You literally sound just like me! Its fucking unreal how similar they all are it’s like a whole different species!! I also think you should write a blog!! I’m also forever proud of you for getting out, it’s early days but you have absolutely got this! Big love ❤❤❤
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