So I started to write the cycle of abuse part 2 earlier but my minds just too all over the gaff with it. Anyone who’s seen me teach will probably know I get too much come into my head at once I get a bit all over the place 🤣 my brain genuinely does 200 million miles an hour especially when I’m passionate about something, so I’ll keep working on that one!

Today’s been another fairly good day, bit of a pattern emerging here. I could be jinxing it but maybe there is a little light at the end of that big old fucking long tunnel finally?!

I saw a friend today that I hadn’t seen for probs over a year and it was SO good to see her, love you girl 😘

We spoke about what actually triggered me to leave so that’s what I shall write about tonight!

What was the trigger? The wedding.

How unbelievably sad that it was my wedding day that made me want to leave my husband? I mean I wanted to leave hundreds of times before but this was the final nail in the coffin for me, I was done.

If I’m completely honest I didn’t want to go through with it, but when you’ve got people committed to an abroad holiday and you’ve spent about 10k it’s pretty damn fucking hard to pull out. I should of though, it wasn’t worth it, I know they would of understood but as always I wanted to protect them. A small part of the reason I never left before was to protect those around me, which has absolutely come apparent from the abuse he’s given them since I left. Even my CLIENTS have had abuse I mean seriously? Fucking crazy cunt fuck! I never wanted anyone I loved to deal with his shit, I thought if I take it and keep quiet noone else will get hurt. One thing that hurt me the most was his words about my friends and family, this will become more apparent at the end of this one. Grab a cuppa now it’s gona take a while 🤦‍♀️

Getting married was my last hope, I had been faithful for 11 years, I had given him two beautiful children, I worked my arse off to provide for our family and it was never enough. I like to think I’m also a pretty good partner, I’m not particularly needy or demanding, I did my best to be a good housewife too. I remember asking him all the time just to love and respect me and not hurt me physically, I never asked for much. I truly believed if marrying him didn’t stop it nothing would.

In the last few years before the wedding the abuse had been getting worse and more frequent, I think it was the take off of my career that did it but that story is for another day.

A few months before we had a big row (couldn’t tell ya what it was about because there was hardly ever an actual reason just coz he felt like it) it kicked off in the morning before school run and he smashed my salon up. He kicked in the door and put a pick axe through my beauty bed (clients and students may have noticed the hole in the floor) he trashed the whole room and wrote on the wall..

“The wedding is off you slag”

That day I had 2 students who had travelled from Devon (about a 6 hour drive) they were girls I knew too. I had to do the school run in absolute bits as always. I had 1 hour to put right my salon, I was in such a state but I couldn’t possibly cancel. I called my friend (same friend who gave me that fateful ultimatum) and she came round and helped me. I truly cannot explain the love and admiration I have for this woman, she knew more than anyone and NOT ONCE did she ever judge me, she just listened and did what she can for me. I will never ever forget how she was there for me, I love you always ❤ Anyways we cleaned it up and I got on with it as always but just an example of the build up.

Planning a wedding should be perhaps a little stressful but as a whole an amazing experience. I think you can imagine what mine was like.

I remember arriving in Zante and as always it had been a horrendous journey. Anytime we travelled it was just horrific. 10 minutes from getting off the plane he was off on one because I hadn’t done enough to help get the bags and watch the kids. He left me behind and when I walked out of the terminal my wedding dress box had been dumped on the floor and abandoned.

Can you just fucking imagine that for 1 second? The most important dress of a woman’s whole entire life DUMPED ON THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING FLOOR??? Imagine someone had taken it?? PRICK.

When we finally got to the hotel he threatened to rip it into shreds too, told me the wedding was off.

Anyone that knows him will understand what a difficult person he is to be around, even if your not physically threatened by him he has an incredibly intimidating aura. He was even worse around other people, I think he felt it threatened his control, he always wanted us and the kids on our own. The whole holiday he was rude to everyone, I just can’t put into words the horrible atmosphere that human being creates, it really is insidious.

And so the day came.

My dress was honestly the most beautiful thing in the whole entire world, those that know me will know I’m really not a confident person but seriously I looked fucking amazing mate 💁‍♀️😂 the ceremony was fine it was actually quite lovely.

One thing that stands out to me though is him crying the whole time, I never shed a single tear, weird. When I look back I think I was numb, it didn’t feel real, I had my brave face on, I think my gut knew this would never be enough…

And so came the reception which was actually really lovely too.

One thing I will never forgive myself for is the speeches. After the wedding I found out my sister was really hurt that I hadn’t mentioned her. All I could think about was making it perfect for him and special for him that I forgot about the one person who had made it all possible. I cannot tell you how deeply that hurts me. I’m not sure I can even write anymore about it, just know how sorry I am if you are reading this, I love you more than I could ever say and I hope that you have forgiven me.

Everyone had a good day and was very merry and so it was time to go back to the hotel.

Obviously we consummated our marriage, I was gona be really blunt then but I gota remember random people are reading this shit 😂😂

I was laying on our bed and we were talking about the evening, he started to get quite irate talking about my sister. Apparently she had been flirting with his friend who was there with his girlfriend. I said no of course she wasn’t, they’ve known each other a long time it was only banter.

No, she was flirting with a man right in front of his pregnant girlfriend because shes a fucking slag and she upset said girlfriend. No, she’s not a slag at all and she was not upset everyone was so happy I think your being silly! Oh so you agree with that type of behaviour do you? You condone being a fucking slag do you?

Next thing I know he has hold of my arms and legs and my body slams onto the cold floor.

I genuinely think my heart stopped for a split second. I had married this man just hours ago, we had literally just had sex and he was hurting me again.

That was the moment I realised he would never change.

Whilst he was screaming and shouting and throwing things I grabbed some clothes and ran from the room. I went to the pool and laid on a sun lounger and cried my heart out.

I’m not sure how long I was there but I fell asleep at some point. I woke to hear my mum and step mum walking around, the fear I felt was unbearable. I didn’t want anyone to know, I was hurt and embarrassed and ashamed. I waited for them to go and went back to the room. He was out cold in bed. I must’ve been there for 2 minutes when my dad popped his head in the door, oh the look on his face was heartbreaking.

I went with him to my mums room and told them what had happened. In my absence my family saw him and he told them what had happened and they all lost their shit, he tried to attack my sister too. My heart broke for them, they were just devastated for me. They knew we had had problems in the past but never knew the full extent.

My wedding night was spent sharing a single bed with my son, completely and utterly broken.

Of course the next day he was full of apologies and as always it was the alcohols fault. He made a promise to my whole family he would never drink again, a promise that as always was to be broken.

From that night something in me changed, I became numb. I no longer felt love for him, just pure hatred and resentment. I was never going to be enough for him and I knew from that moment on that I would leave him I just didn’t know how or when.

I gave my whole soul to a man who never deserved it.

As sad as it is I won’t allow this to ruin my future. I really hope one day I can experience that magical day with someone who truly loves me.

Until next time,

B xxx