On tonight’s episode of blogging with B… Can you tell I’m in a better mood? 😂

I feel calmer today than I have done in weeks, sometimes my anxiety sends me on a mad high (before a huge crash back down) so it could be that, it could be being around incredible friends, or that I haven’t taken any medication for 2 days. First I was on some for my IBS, then anti-depressants for the nightmares and depression, and beta blockers to stop panic attacks and anxiety. To be honest it’s all signs of PTSD or CPTSD but no formal diagnosis. Not sure if my body is coping with it all so I’m gona have a few days break see how we get on but my appetite is back and I slept better last night! It’s good to feel hungry, I defo lost a few lbs last week which sucks coz it took me SO long to put it on. My lowest weight was 6st 10lb, I was literally bones I looked hideous and felt it too! Now I’m sitting around a healthy 8st and it shows.

Today I want to share a bit of info on the cycle of abuse, of course it’s not always the same but most perpetrators follow a similar pattern. A few weeks after I left perp I was googling shit (fucking love a Google me) and I came across it. For a long time I believe perp was mentally ill (I guess technically he is coz narcissistic personality disorder is actually a real thing) I thought he had bipolar, I had actually joined a bipolar support group as I was SO convinced it was that. A question I regularly asked myself was,

“Is he genuinely mentally unwell OR just an evil person?”

Obviously I believed the first mostly, I had actually began to write a brief diary of his moods too. I knew there was a pattern of behaviour, I thought that if I could show this to a doctor they would help him. I actually used this in one of my many statements to police too as evidence.

It’s not overly in depth but you might just get the jist…

14/02
– AM fine, went to work
– Early eve, paranoia rant of phone/fb said I obviously want to leave etc
– Late eve, sorry for hurtful things said
– Good sleep

15/02
– Am fine
– Pm fine, relaxed and calm, no bad thoughts or words asleep early

16/02
Am – fine, relaxed
Pm – Mad that things weren’t done, snapped said if he doesn’t do everything in the house nothing gets done. I hadn’t done anything for upcoming trip. I didn’t care and clearly waiting for opportunity to leave said i should take kids and go back to friends.
Calm down quickly, both apologised. But when asked if he would still be visiting doctors ” yeh but ive felt so good i just get a bit stressed when others don’t make the same effort as me”

17/02
Am – calm
Early pm – irritable, was maybe 13 days sober and secretly drunk outside house on camera
Asked to have just 1 beer to relax, i said no and he did it anyway. Kept situation calm and all slept well.

18/02
Am/pm fairly relaxed, no paranoia etc
Apologised for previously drinking but still unaware i know of more drinking

19/02
Am – good/calm
Pm – Lots of energy, talking fast.
I felt uncomfortable this is usually when mood changes.

20/02
Ok most of day, quite tired and aggitated until i collapsed then he calmed down normal behaviour.

21/02
Am ok
From lunchtime very aggitated, due to go away for weekend alone. Ive done nothing to help or prepare, im planning to leave and my friends are in on it. All my friends and family hate him, telling me to leave him trying to destroy our marriage. Ranting about certain friends/family.
He puts effort into everyone and its never good enough. Hes shown me the man he can be and i push it away. I blamed him for collapse and he did nothing to help.
Very aggressive threw wedding ring at me and checked my messages to friends.
Bought beers.
I planned to ruin our weekend away on purpose, all of it is my fault. Horrible words about everyone close to me its their influence. I probably slept with someone or met someone 3 weeks ago when he drove me out the house for 3 days which prompted doctor visit.
Rant lasted until 1pm when i gave up and drove him to airport alone. 2.20am i write this.

See how I KNEW when things were changing? That’s when you slip into that tension phase.

The collapse I speak about is when I fainted whilst eating my dinner. Previous to all this I had attempted to leave him several times over the previous couple of weeks, he wouldn’t ever let me take the kids which is why I always went back. There was no obvious reason or physical reason for the fainting, I can only believe it was my body just giving up. I cannot begin to describe the level of exhaustion abuse brings mentally and physically.

Anyways, the cycle goes like so…

-Honeymoon period of loving behaviour and gestures.

-A build up of tension.

-The attack.

-Remorse and apology.

When I read that on Google I genuinely felt like I had been punched in the stomach, sick rose up my throat and I thought I have been such a fucking MUG.

The level of betrayal was unreal. I tried to HELP that man, I did at one stage love him and the whole entire god damn fucking time it was a GAME.

I saw a pattern of behaviour, I literally knew this pattern like the back of my hand and the whole time I was actually seeing my own cycle of abuse.

And that my friends, is some fucked up shit.

Thought I have to admit it is undeniably clever. The honeymoon phase reels you in, and this is why so so many of us go back time and time again.

“Oh but he can actually be really loving”

No, let me tell you narcissists are completely and utterly incapable of love. It’s a tactic to humanize themselves because they know we are empathetic and forgiving and want to see the best in people. Keeps us coming back hey?

A build up of tension is designed to keep up in fight or flight mode, and that is excatly what it does!! I did originally want to write about that stage today but I’ve got sidetracked 😂 that will come when I write about the Barcelona trip, urgh those words alone just creep me out.. Anyways, this phase keeps you on your toes, it makes you eager to please, it leaves you questioning what’s happening and what is going to happen. You are then so consumed by this you cannot possibly think of anything else. You are fully under their control.

The attack is a snap back to fucking reality. This doesn’t necessarily have to be physical either, we know that not all perpetrators use physical abuse, simply because they don’t need to. Often violence is used because their other methods of control are failing. This is why the term Domestic abuse is preferred over domestic violence. Yes physical abuse is utterly wrong and damaging but ultimately it’s the mental abuse that is the worst. The attack leaves you feeling so broken and vulnerable and so bewildered. You just sit there and think,

“What in the actual fuck just happened?!”

Then comes the remorse and apology, throughout the tension and attack your brain is on high alert, you don’t actually know who the fuck you are or where you are and your completely alone. Then suddenly there’s this person who wants to be there for you.

BAM they fucking have you by the short and curlies.

I think sometimes that stage can also be a bit like the tension because it can also continue with more verbal abuse. They will rant for HOURS AND FUCKING HOURS, even days until you are so physically and mentally drained you just give in. Even when your gut instinct is screaming at you not to, their control takes over, you just cannot fight anymore.

First time my eyes have welled up today with that part, knowing for so long that I knew it was wrong hurts deeply, I often refer to it as having 2 voices in your head. One is your gut instinct the other is their control.

Did you know that sleep deprivation is a common tactic used by perpetrators? Again fucking clever shit mate. They leave you in such a state of exhaustion and confusion that you give in and the whole cycle repeats itself, over and over and over again.

Again it’s incredibly clever, the tactics used within each stage are too. Honestly they are a breed.

So many others I have spoken to that share experiences and we go, holy shit that is my ex!!! Because they are all the same.

Complete and utter cunt fucks.

Until next time,

B xxx