So, 1228 views. That’s pretty damn odd! You ever just feel like your life is surreal? No? just me then 😂

It’s really strange to know so many people now know what the fuck goes on in your head, I do feel a sense of relief but also a feeling of fuck me what am I doing 🙈

When people find out what you’ve been through it makes it all the more real. I’ve spoken to so many different police officers, IDVA’s ( independent domestic violence advisors, this is a support service for the most high risk) social services, mental health workers, doctors and real life people and their reactions are of just utter shock. It seems so bewildering to others yet for me this is like the norm. It’s seeing their reactions that make you kind of step back and go woah, that was some pretty tough shit.

A tactic commonly used by perpetrators of abuse is one that makes you believe it’s really not all that bad. Your just being dramatic or that you completely imagined it. A few comments I had were “but I’ve never full on punched you in the face” yeh coz I’d rather have your teeth sinking into my arm drawing blood obvs. Or, “but I’ve never cheated on you” I guess I should be grateful?? 🤦‍♀️ I also don’t know if that was true either, but then he was either by my side 24/7 or on the phone so not sure he had time, a very busy man he was. Some will admit their actions, though of course theres an excuse, some will just outright lie.

I remember us all sitting at the dinner table once eating and he made a comment, I can’t actually remember what it was now, most likely something about me being “unfaithful” anyways it was nasty enough for me to literally freeze, my eyes filled up and I said what the hell is that about, he says “What? What you on about? What did I say?” In my head I’m screaming, how do you say that kind of evil shit to someone then just fucking forget?! And as always in front of my children.

They want to make you think your actually insane, your the crazy one, your the abuser.

Like the “assault” I was interviewed under caution about but got away with. Now although I would LOVE to physically hurt him for what he’s done I have to be realistic in the fact this short arse 5 ft something tiny me has no strength to hurt a paper bag let alone a man twice my size and weight. But I’m the abuser don’t forget that now…

You don’t realise how bad the situation is until you’ve left, and even now I don’t think I have grasped the full extent. Your brain goes through so many changes after experiencing trauma, you know there is genuine evidence to suggest brain damage can actually occur too just through mental and verbal abuse. Yes I’m full of random facts!

Now I’d like to finish this one off on a more positive note. We’ve spent the weekend with one of my incredible friends & her beautiful family. I also got to meet some other amazing girls for the first time who have supported me without even meeting me, for that I thank you so much. My brain is anxious (it legit is 24 hours a day) but it feels a little more at peace. It’s magical to see a strong family unit, it is a little sad for me of course but it makes me somewhat hopeful for the future and I will always wish true happiness for those I love no matter my own experiences.

Relationships are never easy, as humans we all have our faults. But true love is accepting of those faults, it’s kind and respectful. If you have a loving partner, no matter how much you want to throttle them sometimes, please be grateful.

Maybe one day that will be me.

Until next time,

B xxx