Here’s the next entry I made about 4 weeks ago, getting a little deeper into emotions here…

I’m not sure why I havent written or rather typed, it’s been a difficult week or so. My emotions have been pretty intense, my bad dreams have become more frequent and my mood lower. I guess it’s to be expected but I often think when is this going to end? But I have learnt some deep shit this week.
I’ve been reading an online course ( I say reading coz I havent done the exercise’s perhaps i should!) Its about overcoming narcissistic abuse, I think at this stage its pretty fucking fair to say perp is a fully fledged narc. One part spoke about loosing our own self trust, loosing faith in our own intuition. For years I felt like I battled myself in my own head, this little voice would always tell me to run, it would always tell me he’s going to do this again, and that actually everything I thought in my head was true. What he did to me and how he treated me was never ever ok, and deep down I always knew this but why didn’t i truly believe it?
Because I’ve lost how to trust myself and thats really quite sad.
How can another human being do that to someone? And how can you allow another human being to do that to you?
This is how insanely powerful these creatures are!! Alot of things made me sad this past week.
Alot of people leave their perps and miss them, I can honestly and truly say I have never for 1 single millisecond missed him. In the end I fucking despised him, I hated everything about him, everything he was. But what does hurt is that there was never actually real love from him, those good times were fake it was all a game, everything is a game. He never truly loved me for the person I was, and now I wonder if anyone actually will because the truth is I dont know who I am now.
Fuck me if i dont know how is anyone else gona find her and love her?
That really does hurt.

I tried to do an art session with the house yesterday, I was so drained I tried to hold it in but it all came tumbling out and I sobbed my fucking heart out. It made me think that since this all happened i have never let go in front of anyone, maybe a few tears but I’m talking that gut wrenching sob where your whole heart just aches and its painful. For so so many years I only cried alone, all those hundreds of times he just completely and utterly shattered my soul and I felt so alone. So trapped and lost, my intuition telling me one thing, his control another. Like 2 voices battling inside my head and I always choose his, even though it fucking pained me. I’m a stubborn cunt when I want to be and my, did I fight that control hard but it always won.
I told my Dad today about it and he said well I guess it’s because you’ve had to hold it in for so long your just used to it and it’s true, if I had let all that out in front of anyone the game would of been up and I wasn’t ready to do that.

The kids started school this week ( first time I’ve ever cried dropping them at school, normally I’m fucking running away ha) theyve done so well and been so brave. I’m so God damn proud of those 2 even if they do drive me to the brink of insanity. The boy has been hard work and always, hes absolutely been more effected out of the 2. He threw a piece of pasta at me the other day, now to a normal person that doesn’t mean too much other than its pretty damn disrespectful. To me its degrading, some of my strongest memories are those that werent as painful but degrading.
The night I left he threw a teddy at me in the kitchen, this was after hours of ranting. Telling me I wasn’t mentally stable to look after my children, I couldn’t wash up properly and of course I had planned all of this. When that teddy hit me that gut wrenching cry came, 10 minute previous he had me in a head lock trying to drag me down the stairs, I didnt cry then but now I did.
Another strong memory was about 10 years ago, before the kids, he tipped a whole carton of tropical juice on my head. I mean why would you even do that to someone? I’ve lost count of the times he would chuck his tea at me in the morning, I’d have to get changed before taking the kids to school. Or emptying the bin out on my head, do you know how many fucking times I’ve cleaned a whole kitchen full of rubbish and smashed plates? Cleaning the shit off the walls? How many times the kids came in, mummy can we help? mummy why is the rubbish everywhere?
You absolute fucking scumbag piece of shit perp.
This could go on and on but its 12pm already, hopefully the medication change from the doctor will help with a little of all of this. For now I’ll go to sleep hoping for a peaceful dream.

Until next time,

B xxx